Photos at funerals and Facebook

fizz

proffLucy, with condolences on the death of your Mom.x

The insensitivity of your SIL is beyond belief-the woman must be totally bonkers to post these pictures on facebook-but as other posters have advised, you can ask to have them removed.

I wish you all the best at this terrible time. Look after you and yours.

fizz.x

Tigsteroonie

I'm bemused as to why this woman (the SIL) would think that her friends would be that interested in a funeral she attended to want to see the photos ... Did she also "check in" at the crematorium?

proffLucy

Well I've now fallen out with my whole family over this and I can't understand why they can't at least see or even acknowledge my point of view.


It seems SIL has now taken off the particular pic of me which was really bothering me. But my other brother put pic of us all standing round Dads grave where we had scattered mums ashes....I look awful in the phot...not that I give a hoot what I look like for vanity reasons, I mean you can tell I'm upset, uncomfortable, have been crying and I know how awkward I felt. Because he took it minutes after spreading the ashes, you can actually see mums grey ashes all around the grave. Originally he put it public....so anyone on facebook could see it, not even just his friends is, so I had to pm him to ask him to change it. I didn't go ballistic just asked him to change the settings. And I included a link to a question on Yahoo answers that someone had asked (similar to this thread) and the general response on Yahoo answers was that it was distasteful and disrespectful. He changed the settings but never replied to my message. Hes flying back to where he lives abroad today so I doubt I will see or hear from hi for years now. I noticed some of his friends (who I havent got a clue who they are...just random people) have commented and liked the post. Do I want random strangers looking at my grief and "liking" it....no I don't.


I did send an angry text to my sister saying I didn't feel part of the family anymore and she hasn't replied. My sister in law has been putting loads of those stupid quote/picture things on FB like "people that look for faults in others should spend some time correcting their own" I don't know if this is aimed at me but I have unfollowed her anyway.


I just want it all to end...but I feel like I have been alienated by the family over this when I have done nothing wrong except express my opinion and try to stick up for myself . I am so sad. I feel even more alone now, not that we were a close family to start with.


I don't want to get her profile shut down, I don't want to start WW3.


How do you cope when your family just don't give a toss about you??

TamVilla80

I haven't got the answer to your problem Proff, but just wanted to give you a virtual hug. So sorry for your loss, you sound like a lovely person having a rubbish time made even worse by idiotic people.
Its really raw at the moment (I lost my Dad 4 years ago so can understand how you must be feeling) and you are probably overthinking everything at the moment anyway, without your family being so crazy. You have all lost someone important and probably aren't thinking straight, it takes a while to find a new normal after loosing a parent, so try and concentrate on yourself and your little one/s. Take care x

JoW123

I'm going to play devil's advocate here, so don't take this the wrong way. All of you have lost your mum and you're all grieving. Emotions and feeling are very raw for all of you. This isn't the time anyone is going to be thinking rationally. If I look at it from their point of view, you've got cross with your sister-in-law for putting the photos on (I don't blame you because I wouldn't like it) but she has taken the one you requested off. Then you've got cross with your brother for putting photos on and have sent him a link saying everyone agrees with you, and you've sent your sister an angry text too. You believe all of this is completely justified because you are angry and upset and grieving. Maybe they are all really hurt too, and all they can see is a sister who is angry and cross with them and they can't seem to do anything right?


For your own sanity you need to stop yourself looking at the photos on Facebook. It's not going to help you, and also do you have more right than them to get the profile shut down? I really think you should leave making a rash decision about it for the moment, rather than do something you may regret. Your world has fallen apart, so please don't think I'm trying to be unkind. I'm trying to be objective because I don't know any of you. Maybe they aren't replying because they are upset or maybe they are hoping you will calm down. I think it's unlikely that they just don't care about you. Have you got friends who can support you and make you feel less alone?

System

Proff you did realize by making waves you were going to alienate yourself didn't you? You criticise others and it generally doesn't go down well. You were naïve if you thought it wouldn't cause a bit of a wall between you.

Saying that, I do believe you were in the right to ask for pictures of yourself taken down. No way would I want the world to see my tear stained face and sobs of emotion.

Big hugs to you, your family seem like an insensitive lot anyway. Sod them.

duchy

How do you cope when your family just don't give a toss about you??

You accept you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family and you let them get on with it. They can choose to be toxic but you can choose not to engage with them when they behave that way.

Frankly even if they didn't agree with your reaction anyone with a grain of empathy would simply say "She is overeacting due to grief and we will make allowances" (I'm not saying you are over reacting though -I'd have felt as you do)

My brother made a particular unreasonable demand in connection with my Mum's funeral and then left it completely to me to tell family about it and deal with the fallout-I was very unhappy about it as \I didn't agree with his insistence that a particular person wasn't welcome at the funeral (although I understood his reasons and he did have a point) but I'd not have made a stand at that point. However even though I didn't agree I felt his unreasonable stance was to do with his grief so I didn't argue it out with him as I would have done about most things - but accepted it- and dealt with the family all disagreeing and told them even if I didn't agree with him I respected his right to feel that way and wouldn't go against his wishes. We are full siblings so arguably unlike your SIL I had equal right to have my feelings considered but ultimately I didn't care either way if my cousin was there or not whereas my brother felt strongly so I had no intention of adding to his distress by fighting him on it

Everything is magnified by grief at the moment -let it go . I bet your Mum wouldn't want you to be suffering so do what you need to do but try not to dwell on it (that's what I did -worked out what my Mum would have wanted -and tried to keep that in mind and it did help when I had my cousin's siblings arguing with me when all I wanted to do was quietly sit and mourn my Mum in the days before the funeral)

balletshoes

duchy wrote: »

Everything is magnified by grief at the moment -let it go .
I bet your Mum wouldn't want you to be suffering so do what you need to do but try not to dwell on it (that's what I did -worked out what my Mum would have wanted -and tried to keep that in mind and it did help when I had my cousin's siblings arguing with me when all I wanted to do was quietly sit and mourn my Mum in the days before the funeral)

I agree with this. Everything, for everyone close to your Mum, is magnified by grief right now. Feelings are raw and very near the surface at this time, for all of you.

I briefly fell out with my brother, who I am very very close to, right after my Dad's funeral. It could have festered on and we could have ended up not talking and going our seperate ways over it. We got past it though, and are as close as ever.

proffLucy

you are right...I should have realised that they would see this as some sort of personal criticism of the way they live their lives on Facebook. My SIL especially.... and of course my brother is going to agree with his wife...I'm not trying to cause some family rift. I was just trying to stand up for myself and it has ended up in a real own goal.


I am angry and lashing out at them, I recognise that and am trying to deal with it all on my own this week. Im a single mum with a child, whereas they all have families, wives, husbands etc to lean on....Even the people that the photos have been sent to might just have a quick look and then move on to the next thing on their facebook feed. No big deal compared to what else is going on in the world. But I think I'm more heartbroken because it just highlighted to me how little my siblings care about me. I have a couple of really good friends who are more like family to me, but I don't want to "put on" them too much. Im just on my own today in the house...I think I might have to have a long think about how I can get over these feelings about my family.


Basically Ive got to realise Im on my own now, I cant rely on anyone to help or support me, so I got to grit my teeth and just get on with it.


Thanks for the kind words on here. It has really helped. And writing it down has helped...

pollypenny

Lucy, the SIL is still a crass fool and if the family can't behave with dignity and support each other, that's tough.

It's hard on you, but it will get better. Perhaps other people will express 'surprise' at her actions and she might realise that FB is inappropriate here.