How much to give as wedding present?

Serendipitious

I would never ever mention gifts or money on any invitation, and would wait until the subject came up naturally in conversation. Then there is no chance at all that anyone would be offended.

In the past I've given money (or gifts) of around £50. It's always been gratefully and graciously accepted.

But some elderly friends of mine were quite upset when they received a wedding invite suggesting cash gifts, for the simple reason that they had already bought the gift - and had put quite a lot of thought into it.

fierystormcloud

Serendipitious wrote: »

I would never ever mention gifts or money on any invitation, and would wait until the subject came up naturally in conversation. Then there is no chance at all that anyone would be offended.

:T

Serendipitious wrote: »

But some elderly friends of mine were quite upset when they received a wedding invite suggesting cash gifts, for the simple reason that they had already bought the gift - and had put quite a lot of thought into it.

Awwww how sad.

dirty_magic

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Agree with the above. I think £100 is an absurd amount for a cousin. I only gave £25 to my last cousin about 3 years ago. Also, I am so sick and tired now of people having weddings 100s of miles away, and having hen do's that last all weekend and cost 100s of pounds. And if you don't go, they get offended.

Some 2 decades ago, as purpleshoes said, it was unheard of to have a weekend away for a hen do; you would have a night in the pub - the week before - and then that would be it.

Not so familiar with engagement parties as purpleshoes mentioned earlier, but with the people I know (family/friends/colleagues) if someone gets engaged, we have gone out for a few bevvies with them or a meal (maybe 8 to 15 people,) and split the bill equally. And the happy couple may go on a romantic weekend together to celebrate.

Also, everyone I knew - pre 2000s - had their wedding within 5 miles of where they lived. Also, all virtually their family and friends lived nearby too. These days, people have it miles away; sometimes abroad! Making it difficult and expensive for people to attend. And then you have to fork out for a gift (or cash!) too!

In addition, they have wedding planners, and wedding lists (with rather pricey gifts!) and often the cost of the wedding runs into 20 odd thousand or more, and it takes 10 years to pay off the bill (or 10 years to save for it!)

I have actually known a number of people (including me) who have turned down invitations to weddings because of the cost involved in attending the hen do, and the wedding, and the cost expected for a gift. Unless it was a sibling or a niece I would not go.

And although I think it's cheeky to ask for money (esp on the invitation!) I think it's ok - if people ask what you want - to say 'well we don't need anything, so would prefer cash, if that's OK, but it's not mandatory!' I would then accept all the envelopes with the cash in, and not count the individual amounts in front of everyone.

It does make sense to have cash, if you don't need anything, but to ask for it to pay for your honeymoon is a new one on me!

It's definitely changed! Weddings are a huge business now, the days when it was held at at the nearest church with a do at the liberal club are long gone. People never used to have 'gimmicks' either like photo booths and retro sweet stands. Not that there's anything wrong with it; the photo booths are a great idea, but I do think that it's such big business now that people feel a lot of pressure to make their day extra special.

I do love going to weddings and I enjoy the hen dos, but it does get expensive when everyone is doing it, and I can understand why it would put some people off going.

One thing I have noticed is that a lot of people say they wish they hadn't got so carried away with all the little things, because once you're married no-one remembers what your invitations were like or what favours you had.

mgdavid

dirty_magic wrote: »

...... Not that there's anything wrong with it; ..........

beg to differ, there's everything wrong with it. It completely demeans the whole event and process. But for as long as there are people stupid enough or weak enough to do what they think is expected rather than make their own mind up and plough their own furrow then the commercial world will see them as targets.

Pollycat

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Agree with the above. I think £100 is an absurd amount for a cousin. I only gave £25 to my last cousin about 3 years ago.

No, it all depends how close you are to your cousin (or whatever relative is getting married).

That's why I think this question (and others like it) are exactly the same as asking 'how long is a piece of string?' - because the answer to that is 'it depends'.

And it depends how close you are, how much disposable money you have etc etc not on etiquette or what other people do or think.

TBagpuss

JP08 wrote: »

What I have heard suggested is that, if you are giving money, you at least match what you are accepting from them on the day ... whether it's a gourmet meal and unrationed champers or ham rolls and a free vino from the bar *

This 'cover your plate' idea is one which gets suggested from time to time, but it is not accepted wedding etiquette (and doesn't make a lot of sense) - a wedding invitation is not a business transaction, and if couples expect guests to reimburse the cost of the reception they might as well sell tickets and be done with it! The whole idea is 'off' as it assumes that you will know what the couple will be spending, and also assumes that it is appropriate to spend more in giving a gift to a couple who chose to have a big, expensive wedding than to one who chose to be more restrained. It's a really terrible idea.

When you invite people to a wedding, you are their hosts. They are there because you want them at an important event in your life, not as cash cows.

As a guest, your obligation is to RSVP on time, show up if you said you would come, and behave politely while you are there. That's it. You are under no obligation to give a gift, although it is customary, but the gift should be something you can afford.

In this case, if you would normally give £100 for a close friend, then £100 - £120 would be reasonable. If you are paying for your child's outfit for them to be in the wedding party it would be reasonable to give a little less as you have that expense on top.

JustStartingOut

Like I had said I don't mind opinions, but would appreciate mine to be respected too and not to assume things about a couple's wedding. Jaylee I did not say your comment is rude, I said it is presumptuous, in my opinion.

The weddings I have been to have always asked for something whether it be cash or gifts. To me the wedding is more important than the honeymoon, and if you were asked for money wouldn't you want to know what it is being spent towards? One person has already told me she cannot afford to give me much and to be honest I don't care, I know her situation and told her not to worry about it.

It is the 21st century and people do ask for money towards the honeymoon, it is not something that I just plucked out of thin air. I spent a lot of time on the web thinking about the way to ask for a cash gift, and finding out what the etiquette is on this subject.
I think asking for towels and pots and pans is very old fashioned, and is no different than asking for cash. If there is a gift list then other guests will know whether you have spent £2, or £200 which could be embarrassing in some peoples eyes.

purpleshoes_2

People won't necessarily respect your opinions if they don't agree with them.

It's a forum. I'm sure plenty of folk disagree with every word I type, that's the chance you take when you post.

You know, I'm really glad my friends got married at a time when weddings weren't full of the ridiculous etiquette that seems to be getting worse year in and year out.

If I was going to a wedding and there was a gift list and I could only afford to spend 10 pounds that's the way it would be.

People get presents because it is the done thing but also because people want to give. But even when I've been to weddings where a considerable amount of money was spent, five figure sums 20 years ago, whether I went to a wedding spending 20 quid or 50 quid no one ever looked at me thinking, you only gave us this???

I would always give what I could afford, certainly wouldnwouldn't be spending 100 quid on a present because someone on the Internet said I should.

purpleshoes_2

Some people think asking for cash is in poor taste. If people want to give it fine. If they don't a present should be accepted with thanks.

Maybe some etiquette book or bridezilla might disagree
But manners go both ways

Lunar_Eclipse

For some reason that I don't fully understand myself, I don't like people dictating to me that they want money as a wedding gift.

So when my own sister did this for her wedding, disguised as 'you can buy us a meal out on our honeymoon for £25', 'a night in our honeymoon hotel for £50' etc etc, I bought her a gift. It was purchased thoughtfully, physically small and sentimental; whether she really appreciated it or not I have no idea, but I just hate the way people think it's okay to do this nowadays. It's not; I find it very rude.

If you have decided to give money, then I'd say £100-£150 off the top of my head, on the basis that presumably this is your husband's sister (so I'd say the same if it was your sister.)