New relationship advice needed.

pineapple

Just moved to a new area and met someone less than 2 weeks ago. He is a lovely person and good company but I've been on my own for years and have got used to my own space. He however seems to expect us to spend all our free time together. And when we are not together he is texting constantly. I'm feeling a bit hounded and like I've acquired a partner in the blink of an eye. I think to be fair to him I need to have an 'it's not you it's me' talk. Whether I can put the brakes on without upsetting the apple cart completely is another matter.
Just wondered if anyone else had been in this situation?

cashewnut

It sounds like you're not compatible. As it's a less than two week relationship I would just text him and say you're not looking for anything serious with him. It's an uncomfortable situation though, good luck!

Amysdad70

Hmm, I understand this guy. I am a 44 year old man and my wife and I got together and married very quickly and have been together for 22 years.

I guess i would have been described as needy but it never felt like that. I was excited to see my now wife and if we were apart I would wonder what she was doing. I miss her terribly if I am away from home for a few days.

The problem seems to me that as a breed, men like us are classed as high maintenance, where in my case it was always about just wanting to be with the other person. May I ask, is this one of those times where you want the man to be aloof and unattainable, whilst also being loyal and dependable? That is a difficult line for us to tread.

I think it may be wise to think about what you really want first. Is your desire to pull back because you don't see a future in the relationship? I would start out asking what he wants from the relationship? (although this may prompt a proposal to move to the next stage of the relationship).

The danger of asking to slow down is that he may well just hear 'let's be friends'.

trolleyrun

Just be honest with the guy. Tell him you like his company, but you also like spending time on your own etc etc. He might not like it, but then again he might be ok with it. If needs be, tell him that you feel he's a bit full on and you'd like to take things more slowly. Any decent person will understand. If he doesn't, you're not meant to be.

Errata

He however seems to expect us to spend all our free time together. And when we are not together he is texting constantly. I'm feeling a bit hounded

That's because you are being hounded - less than two weeks and he's behaving like this? Just say no.

Fluff15

My current boyfriend was like this when we first met - I'll be honest I found it far too full on at first. He was telling me he missed me during his holiday after our first date, we'd only met each other once!

I didn't tell him that I felt it was overbearing because I felt if I did, I'd feel bad and also it would hurt his feelings (I am a whimp!). So instead, I carried on my life as normal, I would text back on my own terms, say I've got things to do in the weekdays, etc etc.

As time went on, he chilled out much more, and I'm glad I didn't call it off months ago because I felt it was too much too soon. He's a wonderful man and I've learned his enthusiasm about things is actually quite endearing, so when I suggest anything he's always happy to try it and planning holidays with him is like a dream cos I've got somebody who researches it all as much as I do

If I was you, I'd carry on your day to day life on your terms - don't feel obliged to say yes to everything. If in a few weeks you're still feeling suffocated, then call it off.

onomatopoeia99

pineapple wrote: »

Whether I can put the brakes on without upsetting the apple cart completely is another matter.

Just explain to him what you have explained here. If he accepts and understands what you want, and modifies his behaviour accordingly then IMO there's no reason why it can't work out. He won't know unless you tell him though.

I'm another person that needs quiet time and my own space, so absolutely get how you feel.

ERICS_MUM

Personally I'd be scared of the situation and would get out before it got too complicated and even more intense, by which time it might be difficult to "get rid" without any nastiness.

I admit to being a drama queen though, and I hate to read about stalkers who persist long after the other person has moved on.

I'm sure other forumites will come forward with less extreme views !

EM xx

pineapple

Thanks folks.
I think the truth is a bit of everything.
He is more smitten than me or we would surely both feel the same about the level of contact.
The problem is I don't know how much of it is down to my having been alone for so long. I do like his company but for me its early days. Whereas on his part there seems to be an expectation that we will spend all our free time together and I find it difficult to say 'Actually no I haven't anything planned but tonight I just need some me time and without constant calls/texting'. I've tried things like 'yes lunch would be nice but then I need to get back for....x/y/z' but he doesn't get subtlety and does everything he can to extend it - ie he suddenly announces that he needs a hand with something or didn't he mention that he's arranged for us to get together with whoever?
I think I need to spell things out clearly and then whatever will be will be. I don't want to hurt him but better be clear about things now.

Errata

I think I need to spell things out clearly and then whatever will be will be. I don't want to hurt him but better be clear about things now.

Just say no, you don't need to give reasons "Sorry, I can't" is sufficient response to whatever he suggests. He sounds socially unskilled bordering on creepy. You won't hurt him, you barely know each other.

Mojisola

pineapple wrote: »

I've tried things like 'yes lunch would be nice but then I need to get back for....x/y/z' but he doesn't get subtlety and does everything he can to extend it - ie he suddenly announces that he needs a hand with something or didn't he mention that he's arranged for us to get together with whoever?

It's not that he doesn't get subtlety - he's over-riding your wishes. What's clearer than "but then I need to get back for ..."? Deliberately making plans to meet up with other people after you've told him you have other plans isn't good.

I think I need to spell things out clearly and then whatever will be will be. I don't want to hurt him but better be clear about things now.

He's not worried about your feelings when he makes plans without consulting you!

It may be because he's completely smitten but, if he can't respect your wishes, he's not going to be a keeper.