partners with kids

saveallmymoney

Taking on someone else children is extremely difficult, you WILL be labelled as the evil stepmother, there WILL be differences in parenting opinion, your partners time and resources WILL be divided with the children as a priority.

Well done to you for thinking it through before leaping blindly in.

I don't think you are selfish, you are just making a sensible rational choice.

Jet

I met someone in a similar position and knew from the start that I didn't want anything long term from him.

Don't feel bad, you don't have to accept someone else's kids and it doesn't make you a nasty person.

You have the right to live your life as you wish. I would try and see this relationship as something short term and fun, but accept that this man isn't going to be your long term partner.

sacha28

Now this is an odd one. When I first read your OP I thought you sounded pretty awful, materialistic and you came across as if you looked down on him. BUT it got me thinking about my situation......

I was 26 when I met my OH. He had a 4 month old DD (and 2 step DD), his finances were in a terrible state due to him working a low-paid job and his ex wife running up debts like they were going out of fashion but no way of paying them (mine were no better, if not worse but I had a very good, wellish paid job). I always said I would never get involved with a man with baggage, and he had baggage in abundance!! Yet he was (and still is) an amazing person to be around. He had a way of making me laugh, even on dark days (I had lots of them back then) he made me feel respected, appreciated, special. The fact that I fell completely and utterly head over heels in love with him seemed to make everything else pale into insignificance, the way I saw it was that there was nothing about his 'status' that couldn't be overcome. It doesn't sound like you are anywhere near that point with your boyfriend (sorry, can't bring myself to say partner).

We've been together for 6 years now. His finances, and mine, are now much improved. We both took out a DRO (I had my own financial demons from my previous relationship that nearly sunk me) which gave us a fresh start and we are now in a position we have never been in before. I adore my step daughter (even though she uses far too much toilet roll!!) and our son, her brother, idolises her.

I went against everything that I believed, because I love him and wanted my life to be shared with him.

As an aside, although you are only mid-twenties, you are getting to an age where it will become increasingly difficult to find a man that doesn't have some kind of baggage. I don't know many mid-twenties people that don't have at least one or the other....kids or financial issues of some sort. In the most part I would say that they go hand-in-hand with growing up.

Loz01

Tbh OP, whats done is done now. He has two kids, that's a fact. Im sure hes a great Dad and its good that he still sees them and supports them etc but if you cant get your head around it now then I wouldn't bother taking the rship any further - once you've met his daughters and stuff it'll get a lot more complicated and harder to call it quits.

warmhands.coldheart

It's often crossed my mind what I would do in a situation like this as we have a similar'ish situation in our extended family at the moment.

SIL has a pretty decent job, probably earns in high 30 to low 40 thousand per year.
she has her own house but it's in negative equity by about £25,000 (long story)
She has a son who's now 11 from previous relationship.
She's had a string of "Boyfriends" in the last 5 years or more but all have been "wasters" or blokes with low aspirations who all earned a lot less than her and some still lived with their parents...
They've always been deemed as beneath her by some in her family...

Anyway, fast forward to present day and she's just had a kid with her current "boyfriend/partner" (been together less than a year) and the shoes now on the other foot a somewhat.
He owns 2 houses, all low mortgages from what I've been told, drives a big flash car, has a good job, and she's now moved in with him in his house and rented out hers but the rent barely covers the mortgage....

I get a sneaky feeling that some of his family have not yet warmed to my SIL as it's a rural community (ohh arrrrr) and this "blow in" has come in and had a child with their brother and now moved in and bla, bla bla... you'll know the rest...

As an outsider looking in I can see everyone has reasons for their views and all are understandable....

Personally, as shallow as it may sound, I think when entering a relationship it does add a lot of extra strain when both parties come in with vastly different incomes, family situations etc and hence what they can contribute to the relationship....
I suppose it's just a symptom of the fact people are getting married or going into relationships later in life after their careers have taken off....

fivetide

Sounds like he's a top dad which is great and been honest straightaway. Just because someone has kids does not mean they don't want or aren't entitled to a relationship (I object to the use of the word 'baggage' here)


This is the issue with Tinder and the like though, based purely on superficial looks. A real dating site would have had that listed.


If it isn't for you, and I can understand why not, I would vote for the letting him down gently option and maybe use a regular dating site if that's what you want to do. Then you can filter this out.


Best to do it before it gets too serious and he wants to introduce you to the kids though. That's pretty serious and wouldn't really be fair on them.

SandC

I don't think you are being selfish. How would you have known how you would have felt if you didn't give it a go? At 25 I expect you've not had a relationship with someone who has children, combine that with the income differences and career aspirations and it's no wonder you are having a wobble.

I personally would think that if this stuff was bothering me 8 months in then it's probably not going to improve any time soon and would be considering ending the relationship.

I also don't get this obsession with getting involved with the children early on in a relationship. I was given the right old guilt trip by an ex who I was with for around 9 months when I ended the relationship that his daughter thought I was wonderful etc. etc. I actually haven't been out with anyone with children since then, coincidentally and if I did I think if it turned out someone had any younger than teens I would honestly think twice about pursuing things IF they seemed big on me getting overly involved.

Having said that, I'm older at 44 with no children and if it did happen would ideally like to be seen as Dad's friend just like any of his other mates male or female.

neatheyc

My ex has two kids at similar ages. It was difficult to accept at first because like you, I also want my own children and she said that she doubted she'd have a third.

But they were great children and I loved spending time with them as much as I loved spending time with her. After a while I accepted it and even wanted them in my life.

I'd say that if you like this guy, then go for it. But if it really is a deal breaker, get rid before the feelings get stronger. You're still young so time is on your side.

jtr2803

His children are something you either can or can't deal with and only you know the answer to that.

The financial stuff depends doesn't it? Is he actively trying to sort himself out, is he trying to get a better job or training to move forward, is he a go getter or a sitter?

I was on a DMP when I met my husband and earn't £10k less than him but I knew I wanted better and within 6 years I was a fully qualified professional earning over double what he does and my job has been the main reason we have just been able to secure a lovely family home as well as have at least 3 holidays a year. I am thrilled that after all his support and patience with me and my financial situation, I am able to repay him and treat him.

I don't think it's fair to assume that he is a down and out purely from your comments here. Some people go through tough times and others just don't have the drive to do well in a monetary sense, which one is he?

itsanne

candylady89 wrote: »

I just feel like this is all abit of a drag on me tbh not convinced im cut out for this

This is the crux of the matter. It doesn't really matter why you feel like this, but if that's how you feel there isn't any point in continuing. You don't love him. It's also fairer to him to finish things now rather than have him thinking everything is okay.

(It's not selfish to feel as you do about his situation.)