partners with kids

j.e.j.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

If he's a low-earner with two kids to support then he'll never be able to contribute equally if you decide to live together. If he's about to apply for a DRO, he'll likely not have two ha'pennies to rub together. For a VERY LONG TIME.

I don't know much about DROs but I found this on the web:

A debt relief order can be a low cost alternative to bankruptcy. A DRO is only available if you owe less than £15,000 and have less than £300 in assets. You don't pay anything towards your debts for 12 months - and after that they will be written off.

Is that right?

purpleshoes_2

candylady89 wrote: »

Happy Sunday all
I'll keep this short

Im 25 and doing decent for myself (career, new flat-owner). I met my current partner on tinder last august: he's just turned 29. The issue im having difficulty dealing with is that he has 2 kids. Theyr 5 and 3. He has them fortnightly for the weekend and pays child support, hes a great dad. I havent met them and tbh have no inclination to!
My fairytale didnt include this. I know I sound spoilt and selfish I definitely want kids , my own.

Anyoneelse ever felt the same??

Also, I earn a fair bit more than him (approx 13k) he has no savings, is about to submit a DRO, and does unqualified warehouse type jobs only .

Thoughts please;)

I just feel like this is all abit of a drag on me tbh not convinced im cut out for this

Why are you with him then?

Leave him be and find someone you do care for more, kids, DRO and all.

You sound like you don't even like him.

Real life isn't a fairytale for many people, he has kids, you knew this when you started dating him, why did you?

purpleshoes_2

You do sound spoilt and selfish. If this was a problem for you, why did you get involved with him in the first place? You dont need to see his kids but the fact that you speak about them as if they are a problem, is the concern.

If you want a single guy with no kids, go out and meet one.

ellay864

If he is your partner you should share things and I actually find it hard to understand how you can consider yourself a partner for 8 months and not have met his kids. You don't sound like that you're that into him, and I'm surprised he hasn't wanted you to meet his kids if he sees you as a couple with a view to a future together.
Having your own kids is a perfectly natural thing to want but that doesn't wipe out the 2 he has.
You don't have to love the kids as if they're your own - I don't feel that about my stepkids and my hubby doesn't feel that about my boys. But we each understood when we met that the children were very much part of the deal and our relationship wouldn't have worked if we each hadn't been prepared to deal with that
If you see that and his money as a drag now then do him a favour as well as yourself and cut loose now

clark24

He is far removed from your fairytale, and can never be your fairytale, so why are you with him? He can't change his circumstances, the only thing that can change is what you want, so if you can't change that you should leave him so you can both go your separate ways and both find the partner you wish to have, and deserve to have.

easilydistracted

When you meet someone with a child you have to realise that if they are a decent person their kids are going to be their absolute priority.

My partner has a little girl of a similar age to your boyfriend's and his love for his daughter and everything he's done for her is my favourite thing about him. I also know he's a fab Dad which I don't think you can actually tell about someone until they have children.

I like the idea if we have children, when I'm half asleep with a howling baby who I'm struggling to pick up right then he will be able to know what to do. It helps I absolutely adore his little girl.

It's very different to knowing you have all your firsts together, you have to be prepared that you will probably have some little person jealousy and boundary pushing. All in all it's not for someone who believes in fairy tales tbh.

My partner also earns a lot less than me, but he knows if we have children he will be doing his fair share of childcare as a result. It just depends what your priorities are. If there were also screaming debts in the picture that may have been the deal breaker but who knows.

It seems you have already made your mind up though?

FBaby

Well, you need to decide whether he is worth all the sacrifices you are likely to have to make to share your life with him. Do you love him enough to take a larger load of negatives than you have bargained for? If you go and read threads from step-parents, they will say that they love their husband/partner and wouldn't leave them, but if they could go back, they wouldn't have got with them. At the same time, many step-parents will say that even if tough, they wouldn't change their lives.

Personally, from what you are writing, I would tell you to run a mile, it is not worth it, but he might be an absolutely fantastic man and you might think that you could never meet someone like him again, which also would be free of children and debts, and be a higher earner.

pebbles88

Everyone has a past, for whatever reasons he might have thought he had his 'fairytale' when he had his 2 children...... But obviously things changed.

I'm currently back out in the dating world, after being married, & I have to negotiate all kinds of things. I've been with men who have children, & ones who don't, it's just how life is.

I agree with the others that have said you don't even sound like you like him at all.
The unqualified warehouse job isn't a bad thing, at least he is working to help provide for his children. Which is a good thing as many don't, same that he wants regular contact with his children.

If you don't respect him, walk away.

pickledonionspaceraider

He definitely isn't your ''partner'' - there is this huge and massively important part of his life that you have no wish to get involved with.

I don't mean to sound as if I am doing you down, really I don't mean to

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to take on someone else's kids - I am not sure I myself could have made that commitment. You need to understand that this guy does come as a package deal and exactly what that may entail later down the line for you, as a couple and the restrictions it will bring, having ready made kids

It will become a bigger issue as time goes on, and he has less time and money to plough into a future with you. Every other weekend is already spoken for and so is a large part of his income. This could bring resentment for you and not the future you want.

Having said that, children are a delight, I am just not a fan of other peoples!

thorsoak

candylady89 wrote: »

Happy Sunday all
I'll keep this short

Im 25 and doing decent for myself (career, new flat-owner). I met my current partner on tinder last august: he's just turned 29. The issue im having difficulty dealing with is that he has 2 kids. Theyr 5 and 3. He has them fortnightly for the weekend and pays child support, hes a great dad. I havent met them and tbh have no inclination to!
My fairytale didnt include this. I know I sound spoilt and selfish I definitely want kids , my own.

Anyoneelse ever felt the same??

Also, I earn a fair bit more than him (approx 13k) he has no savings, is about to submit a DRO, and does unqualified warehouse type jobs only .

Thoughts please;)

I just feel like this is all abit of a drag on me tbh not convinced im cut out for this

Sorry - but from your post, this is most definitely not the man for you. He is doing all the right things, he is working, supporting his children, and looks after them every other weekend. Would you prefer it if he ignored them?

You are looking for "Mr Right" - he is Mr Wrong for you, just as you are most definitely "Ms Wrong for him - and his children.