partners with kids

duchy

Jagraf wrote: »

I meant ignore the fact you didn't know. As if it couldn't be determined before.

It just doesn't happen .....well not unless you fell in love with someone very quickly whilst they had laryngitis LOL

When you are getting to know someone - you both talk about the things that matter to you ............that includes people who are important to you - there's no way children wouldn't be mentioned unless they didn't give a stuff about them or they were deliberately concealing them -Either- for me- would be a deal breaker.

onomatopoeia99

Mattygroves2 wrote: »

If it was the right person she isn't too young. I got involved with someone with 2 kids (then 5 and 7) at the age of 24. We got married 6 years later and are still together nearly 18 years after the marriage. No regrets at all.

I got involved with someone with two children (5 and 8) when I was 24 - their father was not on the scene at all so no ex- issues. It's 20 years ago now, but I wouldn't do it again. I could accept not being the most important person in my girlfriend's life, not ever being able to do "couples" things as it ws always "family" things etc as I wanted to be with her and the children quickly became a big part of my life too and I was prepared to forgo children of my own. What I absolutely would not want to go through was when (several years later) she ended the relationship, I didn't just lose a girlfriend, I lost a family.

It tore me apart and I will not risk that again.

(p.s. good username, although his fate was pretty grim!)

aaa13ljsldjfldskj

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

What I absolutely would not want to go through was when (several years later) she ended the relationship, I didn't just lose a girlfriend, I lost a family.

It tore me apart and I will not risk that again.

I completely agree with this comment.!!!

VestanPance

I'd say it's an extremely important point. One that few people consider.

Having suffered losing nephews that I adored when I split from my ex, I can barely imagine how horrific it would be for someone who has sacrificed so much as to take on another's child as their own to have that ripped from them.

From a personal point of view I would never have gotten involved with anyone who already had children.

Jagraf

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

I got involved with someone with two children (5 and 8) when I was 24 - their father was not on the scene at all so no ex- issues. It's 20 years ago now, but I wouldn't do it again. I could accept not being the most important person in my girlfriend's life, not ever being able to do "couples" things as it ws always "family" things etc as I wanted to be with her and the children quickly became a big part of my life too and I was prepared to forgo children of my own. What I absolutely would not want to go through was when (several years later) she ended the relationship, I didn't just lose a girlfriend, I lost a family.

It tore me apart and I will not risk that again.

(p.s. good username, although his fate was pretty grim!)

Shame on your ex xxx

Jagraf

VestanPance wrote: »

I'd say it's an extremely important point. One that few people consider.

Having suffered losing nephews that I adored when I split from my ex, I can barely imagine how horrific it would be for someone who has sacrificed so much as to take on another's child as their own to have that ripped from them.

From a personal point of view I would never have gotten involved with anyone who already had children.

Doesn't always happen like that. My DD would choose her stepdad over me (mum) and bio dad. He's been a rock and DD loves him dearly. They would chuck me out if it came to it

Seanymph

But after the split you often do lose them - I spent 6 years raising two step daughters every weekend, and all of every holiday (their mum worked). They came to us from school 2 hours away every Friday, I picked them up, and they got taken to school on Monday morning.

After I split with their father I never heard from them again. They were too young to have an independent relationship with me.

I still see them on facebook, and the youngest is not doing so well in some areas of her life and STILL, 9 years or so on, I would love to be there for them.

I invested not just money (they had everything my own children had) but more importantly time - mine and my children's memories of their childhood all features these two children.

My ex walked away and took his children with him, he's never contacted my children and his kids have never contacted us.

In hindsight I wish I'd never dated him.

Guest101

Surely it's all just compatability.

Kids is just an emotive subject which gets people worked up. If his hobby was video games, football, walking, driving, whatever. And that took up a lot of time - there's a good chance he'd be slated as 'not being commited', but in fact it's his life.

He is choosing to spend time doing what he enjoys (in this case that is raising his children).

If he chose to play video games for 1/2 evenings/days a week, that would be his choice. the OP would/could be just as incompatible with that.

There are plenty of men (and women) who play no part in their children's lives. Would you really want to be with such a person?

Someone who can abandon their child? Truly the only form of absolute unconditional love that exists?

I think you'd find alot of love, respect and loyalty from a person who you help to raise their child(ren). and equally should consider them to be the best person to have a family with, someone who would not abandon your kids, even if you went seperate ways?

Anyway regardless. That is not what the OP wants. and as i said, it could be any subject. If one party feels that what they do is important to them, and the other party 'belittles' it (for want of a better word) then there will be conflict.

VestanPance

Children aren't a hobby.

The simple fact is if you date someone with children you're taking on a family not just a person. Many people may want their own family, not someone elses. Also adding into account the dealing with ex's, having to plan everything from around the kids, always being second best from day one.

Guest101

VestanPance wrote: »

Children aren't a hobby.

The simple fact is if you date someone with children you're taking on a family not just a person. Many people may want their own family, not someone elses. Also adding into account the dealing with ex's, having to plan everything from around the kids, always being second best from day one.

Of course they're not. My point was that there are many men and women who decide to have no part in their children's lives. This man does. And this is incompatible with the OP.

Similarly the man (may not have children) might have a hobby which is important to him, which would make them equally incompatible.