Very mixed up, advice needed

purpleshoes_2

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

Well none of my friends lived long term before marriage so they are my benchmark for marriage against living together! They are my generation.

Sorry, but Im 46 and a lot of my friends even 20 years ago plus lived together before getting married.

Youve said a few reasons in this thread for getting married, not all to do with age.

I think its more to do with your issues around abandonment

Plus your partner is 58?

I wouldnt blame him for not wanting to get married. If I met someone tomorrow I think I would have no desire to, no matter how much I loved them, he has the right to be happy with his life the way it is right now whether he loves you or not

barbarawright

I'm the same age as you. I don't know *anyone* who didn't live together before marriage though I also don't know anyone who married at 16 so my peer group is different from yours

Buzzybee90

To be fair to the OP who is a similar age to my parents, they and none of their peers lived together first either.

purpleshoes_2

I dont think this has anything to do with age

This will be the OP's wedding number 4 and shes been out of her last marriage a relatively short time

System

Have you ever had any help with the BPD? I have a friend with it and although it has its issue, with help she's managed to stay in a fairly secure marriage so far (though her wife also has mental health issues so i think there's some understanding there). Having a basic knowledge of BPD, i know fear of abandonment is a big part of it, is there anything (apart from marriage as so far that seems to have been in some ways a way of coping with it-thinking the marriage perhaps provides the security that lessons the fear them leaving you) that would help lesson the feelings and make you feel more secure?

Pollycat

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

Just because you think the same meer53, it is one thing to say our behaviour maybe in your opinion immature but to say we act as teenagers is offensive.

FBaby wrote: »

To be fair, it is up to both of you if you want to get married after knowing each other less than 12 months and on the rebound. I agree with you MrsMuckle, you are not teenagers,

For the record, I did not say you acted as teenagers, nor did I say you were teenagers:

Pollycat wrote: »

You both sound like immature teenagers instead of the (probable) late 50s/early 60s that you actually are.

Let's put it in a nut shell, shall we?

He tells you he will marry you.
He tells friends that he'll never get married again.
When you bring up the subject of marriage, he say's 'we're OK as we are'.
He tells you he'll marry you eventually, you need to give it time.
Then he's looking at engagement rings!


Well, a lot of my friends are around the same age as he is, and act a lot more mature than that.

Actually, reading through the synopsis above, I'm thinking he really is messing with your head.

Marisco

Pollycat wrote: »

For the record, I did not say you acted as teenagers, nor did I say you were teenagers:

Let's put it in a nut shell, shall we?

He tells you he will marry you.
He tells friends that he'll never get married again.
When you bring up the subject of marriage, he say's 'we're OK as we are'.
He tells you he'll marry you eventually, you need to give it time.
Then he's looking at engagement rings!


Well, a lot of my friends are around the same age as he is, and act a lot more mature than that.

Actually, reading through the synopsis above, I'm thinking he really is messing with your head.

That's probably to shut her up when she starts "nagging" him about it!

As for living together, no one did it when I was younger, I am older than many on this thread though, but times change and no one cares now. As I said I lived with oh for 20 years before we got married., we wanted to be sure we were compatible If it wasn't for the legal "stuff", we'd not have bothered now either, it hasn't made a jot of difference to us, I've not even changed my name!

Pollycat

Marisco wrote: »

That's probably to shut her up when she starts "nagging" him about it!

It's still giving out mixed messages though and given what the OP has posted about her

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

low self esteem issue

and

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

mental health needs & borderline personality disorder, the fear of abandonment is one of he main symptoms of this disorder.

it's not a very nice thing to do.

Marisco wrote: »

As for living together, no one did it when I was younger, I am older than many on this thread though, but times change and no one cares now. As I said I lived with oh for 20 years before we got married., we wanted to be sure we were compatible If it wasn't for the legal "stuff", we'd not have bothered now either, it hasn't made a jot of difference to us, I've not even changed my name!

I'm really surprised by the OP's age (51) given her comment in her first post:

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

I belong to a generation where marriage equals respectability. I have had marriages lasting 18 to 8 years so not flash in the pan

I'm a good 10 years older and certainly don't consider I'm in a generation where marriage = respectability.
It was the norm for people in my generation to get married rather than live together but some couples did cohabit - and I don't remember people thinking they weren't respectable.

fairy_lights

I don't understand why, after three failed marriages you would want to rush in to it again with a man you've been with for less than a year.
You're three ex-husbands turned out to be toads rather than princes, why wouldn't you be a bit more cautious this time and get to know him better?
My parents are slightly older than you and have been together for almost 30 years but never married. They have lots of friends of the same age who cohabit but aren't married so I don't understand the issue about respectability either, as a lot of your generation no longer get married.

Marisco

Pollycat wrote: »

It was the norm for people in my generation to get married rather than live together but some couples did cohabit - and I don't remember people thinking they weren't respectable.

I must say I cannot think of any couples my age who lived together, but I was from a small "buttoned down" place, so maybe the "wicked city ways" didn't apply

I would seriously think on though if I had 3 failed marriages behind me, especially if the bloke (as seems) is less than enthusiastic. If she carries on pressuring him, he might just do a runner!!