Very mixed up, advice needed

skattykatty

You first married at 16. You've had very little time on your own. You see marriage as 'security', despite your personal experiences. You consider yourself of a generation with fixed views on marriage - that it is preferable to other 'states' of togetherness and relationship. You have a fear of abandonment. As you have a diagnosis of BPD you know that fear of abandonment is one half of a see saw, the other being behaving in a way that prompts abandonment - a self-fulfilling prophecy. The struggle here is between a fixed sense of a how things should be and a flexible sense of how things could be. This sounds like a painful situation, but you have some awareness of why you think like this. Perhaps there are opportunities here to change a little, bend a little, enjoy what you have rather than grieve what you don't.

Mrs_Muckle

Thank you skattykatty, I do have some awareness of my condition driving my need. I had a meltdown yesterday and displayed just the behaviour that would cause abandonment but bless him I OH is learning how to cope with this and managed to bring me back down.

Catkins, I am very pleased for you that you have managed to stay with one person For all that time. You have been fortunate. I take issue with your idea that I am making a mockery of marriage. I have never set out to get a divorce, in fact it is very painful and distressing. As you are in a long lasting marriage you cannot possibly say what you would do if for whatever reason you break up. You say you would not divorce but life can be very lonely with out a life partner and if you have enjoyed being married, as I have, you probably would miss it even more.

purpleshoes_2

But your marriages haven't worked out. Surely that alone should make you not want to rush into anything.

I'm in my mid 40s and I'm not married. Never have been. It's possible to have a good life without being married. I'm sure it's possible to have a fab life if you are, but given that you have done it 3 times and it's not worked, the fact that you are desperate to do it again is concerning.

catkins

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

Thank you skattykatty, I do have some awareness of my condition driving my need. I had a meltdown yesterday and displayed just the behaviour that would cause abandonment but bless him I OH is learning how to cope with this and managed to bring me back down.

Catkins, I am very pleased for you that you have managed to stay with one person For all that time. You have been fortunate. I take issue with your idea that I am making a mockery of marriage. I have never set out to get a divorce, in fact it is very painful and distressing. As you are in a long lasting marriage you cannot possibly say what you would do if for whatever reason you break up. You say you would not divorce but life can be very lonely with out a life partner and if you have enjoyed being married, as I have, you probably would miss it even more.

I can definitely say I would not get divorced because neither myself nor my husband believe in it. As I say, I realise people do get divorced and I don't think less of anyone for that but it's not for me.


I am not saying I would never live with another man if we split up or my OH died but I would not get married again.


I did not say you set out to get divorced and I am sure it is painful and distressing so why continue to marry?


I can understand second marriages and maybe even third but if you can't make 3 marriages work I would give up and sorry but in my view you are making a mockery of marriage. To vow to be married "until death do us part" and then break that vow not once but three times does make a mockery of it

Marisco

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

Thank you skattykatty, I do have some awareness of my condition driving my need. I had a meltdown yesterday and displayed just the behaviour that would cause abandonment but bless him I OH is learning how to cope with this and managed to bring me back down.

Catkins, I am very pleased for you that you have managed to stay with one person For all that time. You have been fortunate. I take issue with your idea that I am making a mockery of marriage. I have never set out to get a divorce, in fact it is very painful and distressing. As you are in a long lasting marriage you cannot possibly say what you would do if for whatever reason you break up. You say you would not divorce but life can be very lonely with out a life partner and if you have enjoyed being married, as I have, you probably would miss it even more.

I don't think anyone does, but "stuff" happens. But after 3 failures why not think on a bit before rushing into a 4th marriage. Live together for a few years first and see how it goes. I got married beginning of this year after living with oh for 20 years, prior to that I was married for 23 years, in fact if we were still married we'd have been celebrating 46 years last month.

The only reason I got married was, we're both cracking on a bit, so wanted to tie up the legalities, and at 150 quid a pop, it's cheaper than getting a POA at a solicitors!! My kids thought it was hilarious that I was finally an "honest woman" No one cares any more if you are married or not, it's not the stigma it was when I was younger.

Mrs_Muckle

Well catkin we will have to agree to differ!

purpleshoes_2

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

Well catkin we will have to agree to differ!

What is the biggest reason you want to marry your partner? The main one.

Mrs_Muckle

Because I love him!

gayleygoo

Me and OH have been together for 10 years, and have 3 children. I do not doubt his commitment or his love for me, but would still quite like to get married if only for the experience! Years ago when we talked about it, neither of us wanted to, but it seems to be only me who has changed my mind.

Among our friends, we are "husband and wife", but when I have been talking to strangers about my "husband", they have often looked at my hand and perhaps noticed the lack of ring, and maybe I'm just paranoid about it but then I feel embarrassed that I've lied. So I use the term "partner" in those situations, even though I'd prefer to say husband. It's a minor thing of course, not worth breaking a wonderful relationship up over! Maybe it will happen one day, maybe it won't, I love my OH either way.

As much as I'd like to get married, I'd never want to insist on it. It wouldn't show much commitment on my part if I were to threaten to leave over such a small issue. Marriage (as you may have realised) does not guarantee commitment or loyalty, and not being married does not mean you are unrespectable.

I think your OH is being sensible in his decision to not agree to marriage, at least for the moment. You have your own self to deal with, and if you have mental health issues then they might need to be dealt with professionally - a wedding can't solve them, and your OH probably can't either.

I agree with other posters that it is still early in your relationship to be pushing the idea of marriage. If you love him, don't you just want to enjoy sharing your life with him?

meritaten

If you love him Mrs Muckle then why not agree to live him? marriage is not a guarantee of happiness as you know. I do agree that as you aren't in the first flush of youth - if anything happened to him you wouldn't be considered next of kin without that 'marriage certificate'. but, that can be overcome. he can name you in his will, he can have it certified that you are next of kin. he and you can share property. all legally. to me its a kerfuffle that can be avoided by nipping down the registry office. but, your OH has his opinion and if he feels that strongly against 'marraige' then that's your option.