Very mixed up, advice needed

FBaby

I'm sorry MrsMuckle I assumed you'd never worked, clearly misread this totally.

I do understand what you mean by emotional security and you're right, it is the heart talking, not the head. Having done it three times, surely your head should start taking over.

The main issue in your case is the short length of your relationship. Clearly you got it wrong three times, so what makes you so sure you are not this time? Or is it a case that you don't worry so much about the fact you could end up divorced again as long as you are married in the meantime? But surely that's not emotional security?

You clearly left your last husband, what was the circumstance of the divorces the two times before? Were you always the first one to end the marriage?

Mrs_Muckle

Yes I did end my marriages. First husband was alcoholic, did not understand that at the tender age of 16 when we married. He was 26 and the drink came first after 17 years he got a lot worse hiding bottles of spirit etc.

The second was a mistake. He asked me to get married on the rebound of the first marriage and when I became pregnant I agreed to marry. Lasted 8 years when he got himself a girlfriend.

Third marriage was to a man 15 years older and a complete control freak! We were together 12 years 10 of them married.

So all ended for good reasons that we did try and solve, Relate, mediation and space all used before divorce applied.

I started working from age 13 and I have never kept a house or anything from a divorce, everything always fairly shared out.

Pollycat

FBaby wrote: »

I'm sorry MrsMuckle I assumed you'd never worked, clearly misread this totally.

I do understand what you mean by emotional security and you're right, it is the heart talking, not the head. Having done it three times, surely your head should start taking over.

I think you should really try to channel your energies into taking this advice.

I'd hate to read a post from you a few months down the line about your partner leaving you because you hounded him about getting married.
I think that may be a real possibility - especially if you have or are thinking of giving him an ultimatum (which you maybe are doing by telling him you will move out).
Why not try to enjoy what you have together?

fizz

Mrs Muckle, with respect life is not a Beyonce song or a Disney Film and you are not Elizabeth Taylor!
Your partner is obviously not interested in getting married again and having done it once and failed at it, I can see where he is coming from.
If you wish to give him an ultimatum, it will end it two ways....he will end the relationship now (wouldn't blame him) or he will agree to marry and you will end up Divorced again.
Perhaps you could be radical and learn to enjoy life on your own?

fizz.x

purpleshoes_2

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

Thank you for your ,mostly good advice.

I have always worked, odd to assume I have never worked FBaby.

I think it is the emotional security I crave. I know in my head this is not guaranteed but my heart will not listen.

Prowls - I have never been married to an ' ennery! Lol.

Marriage won't give you emotional security, it is no guarantee that someone won't leave you.

Counselling to rebuild some self esteem I think is the way forward for you, not marriage.

Mrs_Muckle

Hi fizz I do not want to be alone. I have got the opportunity to live in my own if I want but I choose to let out my own property and live with my partner, I hate that word!

When I first met him I did say at I would never live with someone long term without marriage and he said we would get married. He has now done nothing about it and when I try to discuss it he just says that we are ok as we are.

Trouble is that is not how I feel. I do love him but I feel lied to.

I am not Liz Taylor but I have been unfortunate that my marriages have not lasted.

purpleshoes_2

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

Hi fizz I do not want to be alone. I have got the opportunity to live in my own if I want but I choose to let out my own property and live with my partner, I hate that word!

When I first met him I did say at I would never live with someone long term without marriage and he said we would get married. He has now done nothing about it and when I try to discuss it he just says that we are ok as we are.

Trouble is that is not how I feel. I do love him but I feel lied to.

I am not Liz Taylor but I have been unfortunate that my marriages have not lasted.

I think talking about marriage so early on isnt the best idea anyway, what if you decided to get married and then realised you had made a huge mistake?

It really all boils down to compromise and that has to happen on both sides. Just because you wouldn't live with someone without being married doesn't mean he feels the same.

Also, how would you feel about leaving him, because you are effectively leaving yourself with little choice but to do that if you are determined that you won't carry on with the relationship unless you get married (assuming he doesn't want to).

Rev

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

Hi fizz I do not want to be alone. I have got the opportunity to live in my own if I want but I choose to let out my own property and live with my partner, I hate that word!

When I first met him I did say at I would never live with someone long term without marriage and he said we would get married. He has now done nothing about it and when I try to discuss it he just says that we are ok as we are.

Trouble is that is not how I feel. I do love him but I feel lied to.

I am not Liz Taylor but I have been unfortunate that my marriages have not lasted.

I don't think you're wrong in how you feel any more than I think you're other half is wrong in how he feels.


The trouble is your idea of what the future will bring and his seem to be two entirely different things.


You want to marry and feel he has lied to you by saying he will marry you. He doesn't want to get married a second time.


You're not going to stop feeling like you've been lied to and if he decides to marry you it will be because you've laid down the law and said you're off if he doesn't. Which is the absolute wrong reason to get married. And will no doubt end in divorce number 4.


So as I said you now have two options. Leave and be alone or stay and learn to live with the fact that you won't be getting married again.


Neither options ends in you having the marriage you seem to so desperately want. But it's absolutely 100% unfair to your other half to force him into a marriage he doesn't want because you've threatened to leave if he doesn't comply.


Plus you've been together less than a year. That's rushing it by anyone's standards. I'm also genuinely confused as to why you're so intent on getting married yet again when doing so has ended in device for you thee times. What exactly is it you see is the advantage to being married? Less than a year is hardly 'long term' is it.

fizz

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

Hi fizz I do not want to be alone. I have got the opportunity to live in my own if I want but I choose to let out my own property and live with my partner, I hate that word!

When I first met him I did say at I would never live with someone long term without marriage and he said we would get married. He has now done nothing about it and when I try to discuss it he just says that we are ok as we are.

Trouble is that is not how I feel. I do love him but I feel lied to.

I am not Liz Taylor but I have been unfortunate that my marriages have not lasted.

I wasn't trying to be offensive or flippant but I did want to make you think.
A ring will not make you happy, but a contented relationship, with compromise on both sides may. Again just think about it.

fizz.x

Georgiegirl256

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

When I first met him I did say at I would never live with someone long term without marriage and he said we would get married. He has now done nothing about it and when I try to discuss it he just says that we are ok as we are.
.

Seriously? You've been together for less than a year. I think you need to take a step back, slow down and enjoy what you have. Also, it seems like you have major self esteem issues too. Just from reading what you've wrote on here, it reeks to me of desperation. Stop putting pressure on the poor guy, and just enjoy your relationship for what it is now.

I could understand if you'd been together for years, but less than a year? As others have said, that's still very much the honeymoon period.