Very mixed up, advice needed

purpleshoes_2

I don't think the op is going to change her mind. All I can say is, if someone didn't want to marry me, threatening to leave them and then them changing their mind and going through with it would be the worst way to start married life. Some people don't want to get married full stop, that is their right.

Being married doesn't stop people splitting up, if it's emotional security you need you need to find a way of moving forward without feeling you have to marry someone very quickly after your previous marriage broke down.

It's lot to ask of someone.

purpleshoes_2

They are living together just now and have been since a few months into the relationship.

Rev

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

Because I love him!

Then why are you trying to force someone you love into doing something they don't want to do?

And you can't say the same is true of him, he is forcing you to be in an unmarried relationship because he isn't. You can leave.


It might not seem that way to you but you've said you've told him you'll leave if he doesn't marry you. So you've issued an ultimatum. You've said to the person you love that if he doesn't marry you you're gone.

You have to admit that's extremely disrespectful.

Put it another way. How would you feel if he said to you 'Stop going on about marriage or that's it. I want you out'.

Would you find that hurtful? Would you feel it unfair that he'd issued you such an ultimatum? Unless you'd be absolutely fine with him saying something along those lines to you then you have to understand how out of order it is.

duchy

catkins wrote: »

I am a strong believer in marriage and have been married for over 34 years but both me and OH have always said if we were to split up we would not get divorced as neither of us would want to marry again.





I too hate the word "Partner" as, to me it sounds as though you have a business together but, as others have said there is nothing stopping you calling him your husband if that is what you want.


Sorry if you think I am being rude but having been married and divorced 3 times I would have thought you would be wary of ever marrying again let alone so quickly. I would just try and be content with things they way they are and so what happens in the future.

I don't think you are being rude but I do think you are viewing it from a married perspective.

I do think it's easy to say from the security of marriage that if it went wrong you wouldn't bother with divorce -but divorce has little to do with remarriage and more to do with drawing a line in a relationship and cancelling a contract (actually in many ways it is the spouses who should refer to reach other as "partner" when you think about it as it's the marrieds who have entered into a legally binding as well as moral contract)

As for using the word husband ........I personally wouldn't be comfortable doing that and just like changing your name by deed poll (sorry Tigs) seems a bit pointless- either you are married or you aren't......it smacks of wearing a wedding ring to check into a hotel to me ......using the props without bothering to make the commitment. I see nothing wrong with couples choosing not to marry I just don't see the pointing in aping married conventions if you aren't married.

That all said I think the OP is thankfully seeing it may be too soon......and frankly blokes being blokes when he said he did want to marry her he may have been thinking after a few years whereas she's thinking months .......and a chat to see what his expectations were might clear things up a bit. I suspect that the OP could probably put it on the back burner if there was an agreement that there is a long term intention on both sides to wed -even if there is no formal engagement yet ..........or maybe she'd be happy to wait if they did get engaged -if that is what they both want.

FBaby

Because I love him!

You love the person you know NOW. That's probably the mistake you made 3 times, you assumed that the person you madly fell in love with was the final product. As we know, it rarely is when you've been together for less than a year because you are still in the honeymoon period.

You were married three times, and three times your judgement of your husband changed and you realised they were not the person you married and the disparity was such that you believed it was better to end it than to try to work it out. So why oh why would you want to take that risk again?

Give yourself and himself time to get to know each other completely, that is the good and the not so good and see whether you can really live with your faults too. He is clearly starting to get to see all your insecurities now and clearly so far, it is not putting him off. That's certainly a much more reliable sign that he wants to be with you forever than if he put a ring on your finger to then realise that you are still insecure and he couldn't cope with it.

The problem is YOU, not him and although you can't change tomorrow, you need to work on your feelings of insecurities. This is the opportunity to do it right with his help, so instead of pressurising him and convincing yourself that marrying you is the right thing to do, learn to face your fears of abandonment by taking this relationship slowly but surely. So if you do marry in a couple of years time, you will know you've done it for the right reasons, not to alleviate your anxieties.

Pollycat

Pollycat wrote: »

I've mentioned this in a couple of my posts:

Pollycat wrote: »

Have you sat down with your partner and asked him why he originally said he would marry you but seems to have changed his mind?
Have you asked him why he said he'd marry you but he tells other people that he would not marry again?

Have you asked him?

purpleshoes wrote: »

I don't think the op is going to change her mind.

I don't think so either.
I think we are all :wall:

purpleshoes wrote: »

What is the biggest reason you want to marry your partner? The main one.

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

Because I love him!

This is the stock answer that 18 year olds give to Jezza Kyle when he asks why they are still living with a bloke who beats them up and takes drugs.
Mrs Muckle - don't you believe that it's possible to love somebody without needing to have a piece of paper and a ring?

I wish the OP well but I do believe that unless she changes her attitude to the word 'partner', she's got a rocky road ahead of her.
Even if her partner caves in and agrees to marry her because of the pressure she's putting on him and the ultimatum she's given him, I think that there may well be much resentment in that marriage.
And the OP may have got what she really wants (to be able to call her partner 'husband') but for how long.....?

meer53

Today is my 31st Wedding Anniversary. No congratulations needed thanks !

My husband left me and our 2 children 13 years ago for someone else. We are still married. I refuse to pay solicitors to divorce him, if he wants a divorce, he can have one, but i won't be paying for it.

If i meet someone else and feel the need to legalise our relationship, it won't be through marriage. I really don't see the point of marriage anymore, i feel it's an outdated concept. I appreciate some people marry for religious reasons, these are my views, i'm a non believer.

I have no plans to look for another partner, if one comes along then thats fine, if not, i'm happy with my own company and that of my friends and family. One failed marriage taught me that, i certainly wouldn't do it again, it's totally unneccessary.

Mrs_Muckle

I have to say a big thank you to all that have offered me this immense support. Especially those that have put my OH possible points of view forward.

I think I will just try and live in the present, not always easy, but will try nurturing what we have rather than pushing for what I think might make me happier.

I still would rather be married and do not want to be alone but taken from what you have said a marriage ceremony will not guarantee anything and there are ways round practicalities.

I do receive a lot of professional help with my BPD and attend support groups and have meds.

I genuinely am grateful to all of you, even those who have seemed a little exasperated with me. You offered me support at a time I really needs it.

THANK YOU.

Pollycat

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

I have to say a big thank you to all that have offered me this immense support. Especially those that have put my OH possible points of view forward.

I think I will just try and live in the present, not always easy, but will try nurturing what we have rather than pushing for what I think might make me happier.

I still would rather be married and do not want to be alone but taken from what you have said a marriage ceremony will not guarantee anything and there are ways round practicalities.

I do receive a lot of professional help with my BPD and attend support groups and have meds.

I genuinely am grateful to all of you, even those who have seemed a little exasperated with me. You offered me support at a time I really needs it.

THANK YOU.

I'm glad you've decided to step back from this, I'm sure it will strengthen your relationship.

I'll ask this just one more time:

Have you sat down with your partner and asked him why he originally said he would marry you but seems to have changed his mind?
Have you asked him why he said he'd marry you but he tells other people that he would not marry again?

Basically - is he aware of how important you feel marriage is?

Mojisola

gayleygoo wrote: »

Me and OH have been together for 10 years, and have 3 children.

Among our friends, we are "husband and wife", but when I have been talking to strangers about my "husband", they have often looked at my hand and perhaps noticed the lack of ring, and maybe I'm just paranoid about it but then I feel embarrassed that I've lied. So I use the term "partner" in those situations, even though I'd prefer to say husband.

I haven't worn my wedding ring since our wedding day. If people want to look pointedly at my hand when I talk about my 'husband', they are welcome to.