Very mixed up, advice needed

Mrs_Muckle

I am definitely not desperate!

I can see what most if you are saying makes a lot of sense. In a way it is a low self esteem issue and I am getting some support for this.

I actually do not like weddings as u hate being the centre of attention and each time have just had very low key events.

On a lighter note though I do like wedding cake.

Pollycat

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

I can see what most if you are saying makes a lot of sense. In a way it is a low self esteem issue and I am getting some support for this.

Do you feel this is helping?
I ask because you sound obsessive about being married. 'partner' is just a word.

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

Hi fizz I do not want to be alone. I have got the opportunity to live in my own if I want but I choose to let out my own property and live with my partner, I hate that word!

When I first met him I did say at I would never live with someone long term without marriage and he said we would get married. He has now done nothing about it and when I try to discuss it he just says that we are ok as we are.

Trouble is that is not how I feel. I do love him but I feel lied to.

Have you sat down with your partner and asked him why he originally said he would marry you but seems to have changed his mind?
Have you asked him why he said he'd marry you but he tells other people that he would not marry again?
Although I think given that you have been together less than a year, you do seem to be trying to rush him into marriage.

I'm sorry to say, I really cannot see this ending well.

prowla

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

Thank you for your ,mostly good advice.

I have always worked, odd to assume I have never worked FBaby.

I think it is the emotional security I crave. I know in my head this is not guaranteed but my heart will not listen.

Prowls - I have never been married to an ' ennery! Lol.

Hehe...
On a serious note, I wouldn't push to get married; see if you're still together after 5 years or so, and then think about it.

Tigsteroonie

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

Hi fizz I do not want to be alone. I have got the opportunity to live in my own if I want but I choose to let out my own property and live with my partner, I hate that word!

So don't use it. There's no monopoly on words, nothing to say that only married couples can use the words 'husband' and 'wife' and I've even heard the words applied to the wrong gender when it comes to civil partnerships!

I call Marley my husband, to him I'm his wife. I've even taken his name by deed poll. We haven't got married (twice bitten! :rotfl:), we might in the future if we ever get time, who knows. I feel secure in this relationship and don't feel that marriage would add to that.

FBaby

Mrs Muckle, there is nothing wrong with you wanting to be married to the partner you love. Nothing wrong at all regardless the fact that you've been married 3 times.

What is wrong is that you want to rush it and because of it, you are putting pressure on your partner and making it that he is in the wrong.
He isn't, he is being sensible and rightly so.

Instead of focussing on being married, how about focussing on your relationship so that when you do get married, trust, respect, love, understanding etc... will be well set and secure. By putting all your mental energy on pressurising him to marry, you are risking ending up married to a man you will then discover not to be the person you thought he was, maybe as you've done three times already.

Be honest with yourself, would you advise a friend to marry her new partner who she's been with less than a year, after separating from her abusive ex-husband of less than a year to0?

clairec79

How much time have you actually had on your own? It seems you go from serious relationship to serious relationship (you admit marriage 2 was a rebound thing) - maybe you need some time alone

Mrs_Muckle

Hi all, more common sense coming my way and for this I am grateful.

We have been together a fraction over a year and been living together for 10 months.

I have never been alone, not really, I was on my own for 3 months between husbands 2 and 3. Even then my ex was coming home every weekend to be with the children, he was working away and had no accommodation in the UK other than our house.

I could in theory live alone I have somewhere I could go but I have mental health needs which means I have to have supervision. I have borderline personality disorder, the fear of abandonment is one of he main symptoms of this disorder.

I maybe should have said this before but I did not want to colour people's judgement if me.

Pollycat

I think people might have understood where you are coming from a bit more if you had mentioned your mental state.

TBH, moving in together after not much more than 2 months - especially in light of your previous relationship issues - seems far too soon.

Does your partner understand your disorder?

Can you not understand that even if you were married, he could still walk out on you?
A ceremony and piece of paper will not stop that happening if that is what he decides to do.
Being able to refer to him as 'husband' instead of 'partner' will not keep him by your side if he doesn't want to be with you anymore.

I've mentioned this in a couple of my posts:

Pollycat wrote: »

Have you sat down with your partner and asked him why he originally said he would marry you but seems to have changed his mind?
Have you asked him why he said he'd marry you but he tells other people that he would not marry again?

Have you had any answers from him?

purpleshoes_2

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

Hi all, more common sense coming my way and for this I am grateful.

We have been together a fraction over a year and been living together for 10 months.

I have never been alone, not really, I was on my own for 3 months between husbands 2 and 3. Even then my ex was coming home every weekend to be with the children, he was working away and had no accommodation in the UK other than our house.

I could in theory live alone I have somewhere I could go but I have mental health needs which means I have to have supervision. I have borderline personality disorder, the fear of abandonment is one of he main symptoms of this disorder.

I maybe should have said this before but I did not want to colour people's judgement if me.

I think this is the problem, I was going to ask how long you had been with your current partner before you moved in? 3 months?

Not long. Your mental health needs don't need to be supervised by a partner.

I think you are asking an awful lot of your new partner to be honest. The last thing I would do is judge someone who has mental health issues, but if you need support, I think that support has to come from professionals first particularly as this relationship is so new.

Otherwise you are going to spend your life going from one relationship to another and its very likely they will end up breaking down.

catkins

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

Hi guys,

Maybe someone has some insight for me. My situation is:

I have been married and divorced 3 times. I have been living with a new partner coming up a year and I have always said that I do not wish to just co habit for ever and that marriage is what I want. My new partner agreed that we would marry, although always says in discussion with others that he would not marry again, he was married for 18 years, 22 years ago. Neither of us are in the first flush of youth.

I hate to be referred to as partner and hate referring to him as same. I belong to a generation where marriage equals respectability. I have had marriages lasting 18 to 8 years so not flash in the pan
Mrs M

I too belong to the generation where marriage equals respectability but also that divorce is rather frowned upon.


I am a strong believer in marriage and have been married for over 34 years but both me and OH have always said if we were to split up we would not get divorced as neither of us would want to marry again.


That's not to say that I think divorce is wrong - it's just not for me. Of course marriages breakdown and people get divorced and remarried but to keep on doing so! Sorry but as strongly as you may believe in marriage you are actually making somewhat of a mockery of it.


I too hate the word "Partner" as, to me it sounds as though you have a business together but, as others have said there is nothing stopping you calling him your husband if that is what you want.


Sorry if you think I am being rude but having been married and divorced 3 times I would have thought you would be wary of ever marrying again let alone so quickly. I would just try and be content with things they way they are and so what happens in the future.