Very mixed up, advice needed

Mrs_Muckle

Hi guys,

Maybe someone has some insight for me. My situation is:

I have been married and divorced 3 times. I have been living with a new partner coming up a year and I have always said that I do not wish to just co habit for ever and that marriage is what I want. My new partner agreed that we would marry, although always says in discussion with others that he would not marry again, he was married for 18 years, 22 years ago. Neither of us are in the first flush of youth.

I hate to be referred to as partner and hate referring to him as same. I belong to a generation where marriage equals respectability. I have had marriages lasting 18 to 8 years so not flash in the pan

The problem is there is no compromise. You cannot be half married or married alternate days. I have told him I will move out and he says he does not want this and he will be upset I feel my heart is breaking.

My story is long and painful so no room or appropriate here.

Any advice, majorly confused.

Mrs M

mgdavid

"I belong to a generation where marriage equals respectability."

so do I - and divorce was very un-respectable. Yet you managed to cope with three of them, so I'm sure if you put your mind to it you can embrace the world we now live in and be a partner. Just focus on what really matters in life, and enjoy the years that are left. You're probably over-thinking this.

maman

Personally I don't think a year is a long time to be committing to marriage. He might change his mind but don't bank on it. You can't force someone to marry you or threaten them.


You say your heart is breaking so it sounds a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face but it's your choice.


If his unwillingness to marry (for whatever reason) is a deal breaker for you then you'll have to walk away and live with the consequences.


Or is it the cohabiting that's bothering you? Perhaps you could live separately and enjoy 'dating'.

Rev

No disrespect but you've been married three times. What exactly do you think marriage means? It clearly doesn't mean forever commitment or you'd not have been married and divorced three times.

I don't mean that disrespectfully it just seems you're trying to rush into something that has proven to be unsuccessful for you in the past. Marriage doesn't equal commitment in the same way not being married doesn't equal no commitment.


You can't force your other half to marry you. If it isn't something he wants then it isn't something he wants.


What you need to figure out is what is more important To you? Being with the person you love (I assume you do since you want to marry him) without a bit of paper that says you're married or being without the person you love entirely. Either way you won't be married.


Agree with the poster above. You seem to be cutting if your nose to spite your face. You'll leave if he doesn't marry you. Do you really want to marry someone who agreed to this marriage purely because you issued an ultimatum?

pebbles88

Op, having been in an unhappy marriage, please don't just rush into anything else, especially as it's nots that long since you had to go through what you did with your recent ex-husband..... In May 2014. So less than a year living with your current partner. I would honestly advise just focusing on you, what you want in life, what makes you happy. Rather than having to have a partner to be happy, as with respect, it isn't working for you, nor making you happy. X

From the below thread

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/66582851#Comment_66582851

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

In May this year I left my controlling marriage and moved over 300 miles away to a place of safety. I was pursued here by my husband who called the police several times to do welfare checks, he is sure that by leaving him I must be insane, and to try and get my friend arrested for kidnap and violence.

He has now settled down and I have left the refuge and living independently. I have been living off savings up till now but having paid a six month rental up front I am rapidly running out of cash. I am not confident enough to get a job, I have applied for some and even had two interviews but my lack of confidence is holding me back!

My question is does anyone know if I can get any help while I try and find work. I am going away on retreat in December as I cannot face Christmas without my family, my four children are back where I used to live and they have their own families.

Any suggestions?

Mrs M

74jax

I'm a bit confused, how long have you been seeing each other. You say new partner and you've been living together a year. Did you move in straight away? But you say you don't want to live together without marriage on the cards but it's not on the cards so why are you living together?

I wouldn't live with my now hubby until we were married, he wouldn't marry me until he knew we could live together so we were at stalemate. After 8 years we decided to live together a year, after a year we either went back to living seperate or got married. Could you suggest that?

I don't really understand why you want to be married tho for respect? From who?

74jax

Just read pebbles88's post.

No way would I be living with someone. Or looking for marriage again yet.

FBaby

Reading between the line, it sounds to me that it is not the commitment of marriage you are after, but the status of marriage and financial security of it.

If deep inside this is true, then it is not surprising that however much your partner loves you, he would be reluctant to marry at this stage. In fact, he would be mad to marry someone now who has left an abusing relationship less than a year ago who was married twice before that.

If you want to marry for the wrong reasons, then don't be surprised he is not receptive, and give him an ultimatum so early in your relationship is only going to make him wonder how much you are really are committed to him rather than just being married.

thorsoak

To me, it sounds as if you are hankering after another wedding!

Pollycat

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

Hi guys,

Maybe someone has some insight for me. My situation is:

I have been married and divorced 3 times. I have been living with a new partner coming up a year and I have always said that I do not wish to just co habit for ever and that marriage is what I want. My new partner agreed that we would marry, although always says in discussion with others that he would not marry again, he was married for 18 years, 22 years ago. Neither of us are in the first flush of youth.

This is sending mixed messages and is unfair on you.
Why does he do this?
Does he feel that you are coercing him into marriage and agrees with you to get you off his back but tells his friends his real feelings?
Have you asked him why he does this?

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

I hate to be referred to as partner and hate referring to him as same. I belong to a generation where marriage equals respectability. I have had marriages lasting 18 to 8 years so not flash in the pan

Why do you hate that term?
You live together - would being able to refer to him as 'husband' really make that much difference?

Isn't it just a word?
What would you get out of being married that you don't have now?
'Respectability' won't keep you warm at night in an empty bed, it won't give you company in the evenings.
The days of people looking down at you because you are living with someone that you're not married to are long gone.
I would sit down and really think about what is most important to you - 'respectability' or the company of the man you love and who loves you.

Mrs_Muckle wrote: »

The problem is there is no compromise. You cannot be half married or married alternate days. I have told him I will move out and he says he does not want this and he will be upset I feel my heart is breaking.

Never, ever give anyone an ultimatum unless you are prepared to act on it.

Are you really prepared to move out and give up this person you love for the sake of being able to call him 'husband'?

harrys_nan

I have been married twice and now live with somebody, no way in this world would I get married again. What do you want from another marriage, it won't stop someone being violent or unfaithful, at the end of the day it's a piece of paper.
I am not a modern day female either.