Renovations and Repayments.

MrBloater

AlexLK wrote: »

They will pay for my son's schooling because I can't etc. etc. So it is difficult to not get embroiled.

You have a simple choice to make Alex. The man your boy grows up to be will either be inspired by the amazing Dad who has given his son a love of learning, devotes plenty of time to him, shows incredible patience, has displayed a real effort in showing how relationships can be repaired and is reinventing himself in a career that is all about giving. Or you can be the Dad who has zero self-esteem and is beholden to previous generations because he couldn't afford to pay for private schooling.

This is not about the opportunities from private vs state education - they are utterly unquantifiable.

But I can guarantee you this, speaking as someone who works with teenagers with extreme MH issues - choose your path wisely Alex and choose it quick. These are formative times for your boy and the current limbo you appear to be in isn't helping him.

heartbreak_star

AlexLK wrote: »

My parents expect that. When I question it, they'll make me the guilty one as they've worked so much over their lives to provide for future generations. They will pay for my son's schooling because I can't etc. etc. So it is difficult to not get embroiled.

Sounds like their problem to me.

HBS x

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

My parents expect that. When I question it, they'll make me the guilty one as they've worked so much over their lives to provide for future generations. They will pay for my son's schooling because I can't etc. etc. So it is difficult to not get embroiled.

That was their choice not something that you or future generations have requested. Going along with them and screwing up your MH in the process just isn't worth it. You know I have views on private schooling but the fact that his mother is totally against it should count for something.


I'm not sure whether you've discussed the idea of an allowance with MrsK or this is just more of you thinking she deserves to have more because she works etc. etc. If you're to move forward as a couple and get your home sorted then personal extravagance shouldn't be part of it. Maybe it was a hypothetical figure but the idea that MrsK might need £500 per month for spending on herself is crazy. I'm not saying don't spend anything but fix a small budget on eating out occasionally and doing things together and save for family holidays. I dread that we go back to MrsK taking herself off on retail therapy trips for winter gloves! You don't want to go back there.

-taff

I think you should try counselling about your relationship with your parents, and your negative self feelings..

You're not grasping that the way you see them is the problem, there's nothing wrong with you, you are not an awful person, or a failure because you don't do what they did.....lucky for your son you don't do what they did.

Suffolk_lass

Alex, I hope the meditation last night helped you to have a decent night's sleep. Don't forget the little smile, it releases some positive chemicals that help a bit, along with the looking up and sense of perspective stuff.
SL

newgirly

Hi Alex, sorry you are struggling again. You just seem to want to punish yourself all the time and it seems from what you have mentioned in the past that you have plenty of guilt from your parents already, no need to add to it yourself.

You have a chance of a fresh start with your wife and son, i really hope whatever happens in that respect you don't continue to be bogged down with the past, it's a cliche but life is too short

heartbreak_star

newgirly wrote: »

Hi Alex, sorry you are struggling again. You just seem to want to punish yourself all the time

Agreed, NG. And it makes me so sad to read it.

HBS x

AlexLK

MrBloater wrote: »

You have a simple choice to make Alex. The man your boy grows up to be will either be inspired by the amazing Dad who has given his son a love of learning, devotes plenty of time to him, shows incredible patience, has displayed a real effort in showing how relationships can be repaired and is reinventing himself in a career that is all about giving. Or you can be the Dad who has zero self-esteem and is beholden to previous generations because he couldn't afford to pay for private schooling.

This is not about the opportunities from private vs state education - they are utterly unquantifiable.

But I can guarantee you this, speaking as someone who works with teenagers with extreme MH issues - choose your path wisely Alex and choose it quick. These are formative times for your boy and the current limbo you appear to be in isn't helping him.

Hi Mr. Bloater,

I try my best to not let my son see that side to me but can understand that he may pick up on some things I don't want him to. It greatly concerns me.

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Sounds like their problem to me.

HBS x

I see your point as ultimately they chose to live their working lives as they wished.

maman wrote: »

That was their choice not something that you or future generations have requested. Going along with them and screwing up your MH in the process just isn't worth it. You know I have views on private schooling but the fact that his mother is totally against it should count for something.

I'm not sure whether you've discussed the idea of an allowance with MrsK or this is just more of you thinking she deserves to have more because she works etc. etc. If you're to move forward as a couple and get your home sorted then personal extravagance shouldn't be part of it. Maybe it was a hypothetical figure but the idea that MrsK might need £500 per month for spending on herself is crazy. I'm not saying don't spend anything but fix a small budget on eating out occasionally and doing things together and save for family s. I dread that we go back to MrsK taking herself off on retail therapy trips for winter gloves! You don't want to go back there.

Not sure how to get better on a permanent basis, to be honest.

The allowance idea was purely moot after Hidden Shadow mentioned it. My wife has the option to spend quite a lot per month at the moment and is not doing so. We are not eating out at the moment. Ex tenant seems unable to accept I was happy to do the work for free and has invited my wife and I out for a meal, if we go it'll be the first meal I've had out for a while. Certainly don't want to go back to my wife taking cash and spending a lot of it.

AlexLK

-taff wrote: »

I think you should try counselling about your relationship with your parents, and your negative self feelings..

You're not grasping that the way you see them is the problem, there's nothing wrong with you, you are not an awful person, or a failure because you don't do what they did.....lucky for your son you don't do what they did.

I have tried that in the past and it was awful.

hiddenshadow

AlexLK wrote: »

The allowance idea was purely moot after Hidden Shadow mentioned it. My wife has the option to spend quite a lot per month at the moment and is not doing so. We are not eating out at the moment. Ex tenant seems unable to accept I was happy to do the work for free and has invited my wife and I out for a meal, if we go it'll be the first meal I've had out for a while. Certainly don't want to go back to my wife taking cash and spending a lot of it.

That's exactly the point of an allowance. You agree to an amount that works for each of you (to have your own allowances! even you!) and you stick to those amounts guilt-free. If MrsK wants to go on a spending spree, she can, provided she's not exceeding the agreed-upon amount. If you want to buy a classic car with yours, you can. (To your point about them being investments, that's fine - you just give yourself back that allowance amount when you sell the car on.)

It's all about balance. It's great that you're saving money, not eating out, choosing not to spend, etc. but it's not sustainable long-term. At some point you'll want a special meal out. At some point MrsK will need more clothes. If you start now when you're choosing to be frugal, it's built-in when either/both of you decide you want a treat.

FWIW I picked a random number (I think £500/mo?) based on the classic car factor, your allowances could be £50/mo, or £5/mo. It's just something that you can spend guilt-free so that you don't have to worry so much about not being allowed any extra money for fear you'll go nuts spending it. You have a limit on what you can spend on a whim, thus it shouldn't matter what other money you make/have on hand.