Renovations and Repayments.

-taff

AlexLK wrote: »

I'm not in a great place at the moment, don't really know what is the right thing to do re. my parents / my marriage / my life in general. If I'm honest, I'm quite jealous of my parents and my wife and where they have managed to get in life without any help (financial or otherwise).

This is going to sound very simplistic, but when I have a choice to make and I'm not sure, I flip a coin. If I find myself wishing it had come down the other way, I know what my decision is.
Your life is your life [ general you, not specific you]. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it isn't.
For someone who was brought up with parents like yours sound, I'd be looking at my life and thinking, thank god I'm not like them, thank god I love my son, and my wife and am slowly realising that my parents are a bit toxic. Thank god I'm not too late to do something about it, and look, yippy skippy, I AM doing something about it.

:T [sometimes emoticons are useful]

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

Teacher seemed to know nothing about Wagner, so it wasn't as awkward as it could have been...

I'm surprised she doesn't know Wagner. I thought everyone knew he's the manager of Huddersfield Town Football Club, best mate of Mr Klopp the manager of Liverpool. I'm getting seriously worried about the quality of teacher recruitment!:rotfl:

AlexLK wrote: »

Can't deny the fact I'm concerned about my son when he is older if we do not live here and choose to move from the other house also but some posts on here about me not needing to pass a house onto him have made me think if there is another solution. I want my son to be independent but also don't want him to not have somewhere to call home.

I don't understand the logic of this comment. You and MrsK aren't considering selling up and sailing round the world indefinitely. He'd have a home, whether it's the one 'you own together' or in France or in Cornwall. Home doesn't have to be a 'big house'.


The walking away advice is good. There was certainly an impact when you kept away from your parents and their home after they rubbished LittleK's violin performance. I seem to remember your mother thought you were being unreasonable then too. I'm not saying they are consciously manipulative but they seem to think that after all they've done for you that you owe them indefinitely. That's not very caring. In my book, we do all we can for our children because we love them not expecting payback. It's not business transaction.

Madmel

I'm afraid I don't understand why you are still letting your parents dictate to you. You are a fabulous father, no thanks to the example they set you, and I share the frustration of other posters that you cannot seem to believe it.

As far as the house goes, it seems that you believe you have 2 choices: your marital home which admittedly needs some work doing to it, or your parents' place. Whilst I cannot condone some of her recent behaviour, I share your wife's concerns about moving to your parents' place. Equally I know that the work and money needed to sort out your marital home is quite daunting. My suggestion is a 3 or 5 year plan: throw your time and money at the marital home and get it as you want it, then reevaluate. Do you want to stay there, move into your parents' (not sure it's a good idea) or take a 3rd way, which is to sell your marital home and go somewhere you would really rather be? It seems to me that you are seeing it as an "either/or" choice, but either could be a staging point to something better. Putting a time-limit on the issue could help you both focus on what really matters.

I'm glad you liked the Part music. Another suggestion is John Tavener (the one who died in 2013 not the Renaissance Taverner). The Lamb is lovely as is Song for Athene. I really like The Protecting Veil but it is rather long. Nothing wrong with Little K liking Wagner - my teenage daughters are both competent musicians who spend most of their time listening to chart music, but love singing Messiah, Haydn's Nelson Mass and standard 19th century choral repertoire as well as playing Grieg, Mozart or Holst. Variety is the spice of life!

I teach a unit of work to 6th form students on Avant Garde music. They find Stockhausen baffling (so do I!) but they quite enjoy being able to watch Cage's prepared piano, or Steve Reich's Clapping Music. Experience as much as possible, then decide what you like.

Bluefire

AlexLK wrote: »

Not really sure this place / my parents' wishes are worth losing my wife over.

I am so relieved to hear you say that Alex. I've thought for a long time that moving your family in with your parents would more than likely mean the end of your marriage; the fact that you have continued to press the issue despite your wife making it clear it wasn't what she wanted has often made me wonder if you were prepared to lose her for the sake of living there and keeping your parents happy.

AlexLK wrote: »

I want my son to be independent but also don't want him to not have somewhere to call home.

Your son will always have a home. Whether that's with you and your wife, or a home of his own choosing. A home doesn't have to be a big grand house which will impress others, a home is what you make it and who you make it with. Wherever he is, if he's with the people he loves, he will be home.

I only hope that what you want for your son you can achieve for yourself some day. Be independent, continue to work towards the aim of this diary and when your 'renovations and repayments' are complete if you still don't feel like the house you own and live in with your wife and son is 'home' then do what the rest of us do and move somewhere else. Somewhere that isn't your parent's house. Because as much as it may be your wish to live there, to an outsider reading your diary it's clear that being there is doing you no good.

kelpie35

I have to agree Alex that living in your parents home is not helping your MH.

I am sure your son must be picking this up and the only solution I can see is that you take him back to his HOME and become a family again.

The sooner you realise that it is not the size of the home you live in but that the people who live there are happy, safe and secure.

I know that is all you want so pack your bags and get home.

Take care

biglass

Sorry,I'm a lurker here and finally posting! I can't understand why you spend a lot of mental energy thinking about the amount of work your house needs doing to make it a nicer place to live in, when all you need to do to achieve that,as you've said,is sell some cars!! It shouldn't be such a difficult choice,should it?? It's a simple solution I'd have thought!

DollyDee_2

And take a realistic wage from the business - you won't bankrupt it, stop punishing yourself. You were reckless with money in the past but you aren't now. Draw a line, the past is the past.

Throw the money at the renovations, make your family home comfortable. Forget overpaying for now - get your family home sorted so that you, your wife and son can be together.

Tilly_MFW_in_6_YRS

Evening, this question has just crossed my mind.....

How would your parents feel if they knew that your (you, your wife and LittleK) futures do not lie in the 'big house'.


I wonder how this would change the dynamic in terms of your relationship with them.

Parenting never ends, as we all know, but neither does it have a price tag. If your parents chose to put all their energies into creating £ then they cannot be surprised when they turn round and find you have your own life. You can carve time out of your life to spend with them but it is not to be at their beck and call.

As you start to think of your life with your son and your wife you change in how you post. When you are stuck minding your parents, even if some of the caring is gladly done, your mood goes down.

I really wish you well but please don't try rewarding the sometimes poor behaviour of your parents. Take care of you and your family.

Best wishes Tilly

AlexLK

Targets:
Total Grocery Spend: £490/>£500.
Savings: £150/£250. Not going to meet my target unless a miracle happens tomorrow.
Keep track of and replying to communications: Haven't managed this today.
Updating spreadsheet: Done.
Going to bed at a reasonable time: 12/28. Went to bed at a reasonable time, tried the meditation but that didn't work at all in bed. No idea why it didn't work but did in the daytime when I was not in the bedroom.
One new recipe per week: 4/4. I will update these in March with what I actually cooked.
3 Things:1. Try to smile a bit more, 2. Light out before midnight, 3. Do the one minute meditation at least once.

Found out today that someone I went to school with has not long got out of some residential rehabilitation clinic after snorting far too much coke. We were good friends but he always was a bit of a loose cannon; I remember drinking with him on school premises, so I suppose I wasn't much better. Last I heard he'd recently got divorced, not really grown up but seemed to have it together and was doing well for himself, so this was a bit of a shock. Did wonder if that could have been me had I not met my wife or moved on from my undergrad days. Puts my problems into a bit of perspective.

-taff wrote: »

This is going to sound very simplistic, but when I have a choice to make and I'm not sure, I flip a coin. If I find myself wishing it had come down the other way, I know what my decision is.
Your life is your life [ general you, not specific you]. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it isn't.
For someone who was brought up with parents like yours sound, I'd be looking at my life and thinking, thank god I'm not like them, thank god I love my son, and my wife and am slowly realising that my parents are a bit toxic. Thank god I'm not too late to do something about it, and look, yippy skippy, I AM doing something about it.

:T [sometimes emoticons are useful]

It's not about having a choice to make. I haven't done well in my personal life. I threw away one career after having a mental breakdown, didn't put the effort I should have done into my subsequent business because I was more interested in being a father. Now I have no confidence in being able to be independent.

Re. making choices, I've done that before if it doesn't really matter. I find it useful to stop me from being a control freak.

maman wrote: »

I'm surprised she doesn't know Wagner. I thought everyone knew he's the manager of Huddersfield Town Football Club, best mate of Mr Klopp the manager of Liverpool. I'm getting seriously worried about the quality of teacher recruitment!:rotfl:

I don't understand the logic of this comment. You and MrsK aren't considering selling up and sailing round the world indefinitely. He'd have a home, whether it's the one 'you own together' or in France or in Cornwall. Home doesn't have to be a 'big house'.

The walking away advice is good. There was certainly an impact when you kept away from your parents and their home after they rubbished LittleK's violin performance. I seem to remember your mother thought you were being unreasonable then too. I'm not saying they are consciously manipulative but they seem to think that after all they've done for you that you owe them indefinitely. That's not very caring. In my book, we do all we can for our children because we love them not expecting payback. It's not business transaction.

You weren't already worried when I got a place on a teacher training course?

I suppose it's the hang up from the expectations my parents have.

My mother often thinks I'm being unreasonable and my parents aren't really caring people. They view everything as something of a business transaction; that's probably why they don't really have any friends at all.

Madmel wrote: »

I'm afraid I don't understand why you are still letting your parents dictate to you. You are a fabulous father, no thanks to the example they set you, and I share the frustration of other posters that you cannot seem to believe it.

As far as the house goes, it seems that you believe you have 2 choices: your marital home which admittedly needs some work doing to it, or your parents' place. Whilst I cannot condone some of her recent behaviour, I share your wife's concerns about moving to your parents' place. Equally I know that the work and money needed to sort out your marital home is quite daunting. My suggestion is a 3 or 5 year plan: throw your time and money at the marital home and get it as you want it, then reevaluate. Do you want to stay there, move into your parents' (not sure it's a good idea) or take a 3rd way, which is to sell your marital home and go somewhere you would really rather be? It seems to me that you are seeing it as an "either/or" choice, but either could be a staging point to something better. Putting a time-limit on the issue could help you both focus on what really matters.

I'm glad you liked the Part music. Another suggestion is John Tavener (the one who died in 2013 not the Renaissance Taverner). The Lamb is lovely as is Song for Athene. I really like The Protecting Veil but it is rather long. Nothing wrong with Little K liking Wagner - my teenage daughters are both competent musicians who spend most of their time listening to chart music, but love singing Messiah, Haydn's Nelson Mass and standard 19th century choral repertoire as well as playing Grieg, Mozart or Holst. Variety is the spice of life!

I teach a unit of work to 6th form students on Avant Garde music. They find Stockhausen baffling (so do I!) but they quite enjoy being able to watch Cage's prepared piano, or Steve Reich's Clapping Music. Experience as much as possible, then decide what you like.

I try my best with my son.

My concern about the 3-5 years is because my son is getting older. In five years he will be 11 years old. If my wife and I didn't have a child, I'd be a lot more at ease with staying at the other house, slowly doing the work required. The house would be fine for my wife and I to live in.

Taverner is one of the few 20th Century composers I have listened to. I like the fact my son enjoys all types of music. The Wagner is all my fault, really. I suppose I was concerned the teacher may think I'd have him watching DVDs of Wagner opera, hardly subject matter ideal for a 6 year old to engage with.

Stockhausen and the rest of the Darmstadt composers are indeed baffling, in my opinion and the ones I automatically think of when someone says 20th Century composers.

AlexLK

Bluefire wrote: »

I am so relieved to hear you say that Alex. I've thought for a long time that moving your family in with your parents would more than likely mean the end of your marriage; the fact that you have continued to press the issue despite your wife making it clear it wasn't what she wanted has often made me wonder if you were prepared to lose her for the sake of living there and keeping your parents happy.

You son will always have a home. Whether that's with you and your wife, or a home of his own choosing. A home doesn't have to be a big grand house which will impress others, a home is what you make it and who you make it with. Wherever he is, if he's with the people he loves, he will be home.

I only hope that what you want for your son you can achieve for yourself some day. Be independent, continue to work towards the aim of this diary and when your 'renovations and repayments' are complete if you still don't feel like the house you own and live in with your wife and son is 'home' then do what the rest of us do and move somewhere else. Somewhere that isn't your parent's house. Because as much as it may be your wish to live there, to an outsider reading your diary it's clear that being there is doing you no good.

I've wondered if I'll end up divorced because of my parents' wishes too. My wife doesn't really like my parents, nor what she thinks they stand for. She gets it from her father who is rather bitter about all kinds of, I suppose, class related things.

I don't really know if living here is my wish or more an expectation I'm willing to go along with and I feel I've nowhere else to call home, to be honest.

kelpie35 wrote: »

I have to agree Alex that living in your parents home is not helping your MH.

I am sure your son must be picking this up and the only solution I can see is that you take him back to his HOME and become a family again.

The sooner you realise that it is not the size of the home you live in but that the people who live there are happy, safe and secure.

I know that is all you want so pack your bags and get home.

Take care

I am concerned my son is picking up things. He's started asking questions about my parents and why they are the way they are. I tell him they are just a little old fashioned. Today he asked me if my mother would mind being "grandma", I told him she would. He asked me why and I was honest that she'd find it disrespectful. I don't know why I find it somewhat upsetting that my parents have only ever let me call them mother and father and mock my wife and I for letting our son call us Mummy and Daddy. I know it means nothing but somehow it affects my relationship with them.

I've told my wife I am planning to go back and give things another try.

biglass wrote: »

Sorry,I'm a lurker here and finally posting! I can't understand why you spend a lot of mental energy thinking about the amount of work your house needs doing to make it a nicer place to live in, when all you need to do to achieve that,as you've said,is sell some cars!! It shouldn't be such a difficult choice,should it?? It's a simple solution I'd have thought!

Most of the cars have quite a lot of sentimental value and we use them all. Today I have been thinking about potentially selling some other assets if things continue to go well between my wife and I. The sticking point for me is due to the assets appreciating and me enjoying them.