Renovations and Repayments.

Maiden_Mum

I'd be very surprised Alex if your son was ashamed of the house - it's his home and in my opinion children don't even notice things that adults might do, such as perhaps a need for any renovations etc!
I also think that upsetting as it might be at the time, the counselling is probably helping and the fact that your wife is getting upset shows how much she cares for you.

AlexLK

Targets:
Total Grocery Spend: £450/>£500.
Savings: £150/£250.
Keep track of and replying to communications: Dealt with one I really didn't want to today.
Updating spreadsheet: Done.
Going to bed at a reasonable time: 9/28.
One new recipe per week: 3/4.

Sorry I have not responded to everyone. I do usually try to but am struggling with how I can respond to some posts and am not in a very good place at the moment.

I went back to the house my wife and I own together after counselling and until my son's bedtime. We had fish and chips tonight rather than what was planned and talked about our potential future. Counselling was really difficult for both of us this week. Whilst I'm still not pleased about some of my wife's behaviour, I understand why a little more than I did. Tomorrow I'm seeing my Doctor.

School was good. Sports car boy has lost a little of his initial enthusiasm but is reading at home which is a step in the right direction. Also had a great conversation about Greek mythology with another pupil.

SL, I thought Easter would be a good time as we are not at school and my wife has some time off from work.

I would not move my son from his village school to a prep school and then to another state school. His village school has under 30 children in total and I think my son likes that. I tutor my son in Maths, English and Music. We study all his topics in greater depth than school can, visit places relevant to his current topic area. He's also learning French with me at the moment as we are hoping to go to France in May or summer. I'd like to think he's not short of an education.

My son had a good time at his friend's house. Before you ask, maman, he had a jacket potato with cheese and beans for dinner. Don't think it was the healthiest meal but could have been worse. Not exactly great when combined with tonight's fish and chips, though that's my fault. Tomorrow we will eat better.

The three things sound like something I should try to do. To be honest, my ones for tomorrow are very simple: 1. Explain to the Doctor rather than writing it down and handing a note over, 2. Finish the worksheets I've been making for my son, 3. Drink nothing alcoholic.

AlexLK

Maiden_Mum wrote: »

I'd be very surprised Alex if your son was ashamed of the house - it's his home and in my opinion children don't even notice things that adults might do, such as perhaps a need for any renovations etc!
I also think that upsetting as it might be at the time, the counselling is probably helping and the fact that your wife is getting upset shows how much she cares for you.

Thanks, Maiden.

I suppose a lot of my problem with the house is it's not this house or on par with it. The house makes me feel inadequate as my wife and I couldn't afford better.

Can't say I've ever found counselling easy; been through it a lot of times, now.

LadyGnome

Alex, the most valuable thing we give our children is our time and attention. It is the thing that they value the most and seek out. Life is often a balancing act / a cost benefit analysis. Your parents prioritised growing their business and financial wealth over spending time with you. They may well have honestly believed that the benefit of the financial security, private schooling and big house was worth the cost of not spending enough time with you. I can understand their thought processes because I could easily fall into a similar mindset as financial security for the family is very important to me. However, I have recognised that the cost to my family of me working all the hours is high so I have chosen to work a bit less and accept the mortgage will be around longer. Your parents made the choices they thought were for the best, I have done the same. You are also trying to find the best balance for your family. Maybe for you and your son the cost of you trying to earn like your parents is too high versus the benefits it would bring. If earning like your parents meant working like they did and sacrificing your time with your son (and potentially damaging your mental health in the process) is it really worth it? Does the cost benefit analysis stack up for you? Earning like your parents did doesn't happen in isolation it had consequences for all of you.

A_Frayed_Knot

Alex - your comments also worried me, and although I was reading, did not feel it was appropriate for me to comment.

SingleSue wrote: »

Post divorce, the first holiday I took the boys on was to a static caravan that my parents had been able to organise with friends of theirs. We had £60 a week spending money and that had to cover all of our food, outings and fuel for the car (we used to spend that in one night before!).

That holiday, despite being very tight for money was one of the best holidays ever, we lazed by the pool getting free jugs of water from the bar, we still went over to the club for the entertainment but instead of buying drinks, we again took the free jugs of water on offer. For days out, we would go to the beach, swim, make sandcastles or just take a walk along the cliff tops, or by the riverside. For food, I got creative with the value range but we still ate well and because of that, there was still a little left over for the all important ice cream on the beach for all of us (well maybe a shared ice cream or two).

Children don't need money to make them feel secure and loved, all they need is the love and attention from their parents.

This brought a great big smile to me. Remembering when we were all at the caravan with my young nephew, when the lights went out. Power Cut. My nephew looked worried. What do we do now, Gran, he asked my mum, don't worry I've got a Paraffin Lamp and a pack of cards. We all played for a couple of hours before bedtime. Before going to bed he said - I really enjoyed that, it was really good fun tonight.

Just echoing that the simple, plain free things in life, with good company, are enjoyable, you don't need a huge bank balance and all the tea in China, to enjoy yourselves.

Alex - Get to bed early, no matter what, lack of sleep doesn't help. B e d t i m e, now ! ! ! Lights out :shhh: and I'll be taking a leaf out of my own book. Night.

smallholdingsister

Well done for booking in with your GP.

eta I hope the Labradors are ok. Both with you?

AlexLK

Targets:
Total Grocery Spend: £450/>£500.
Savings: £150/£250.
Keep track of and replying to communications: Done.
Updating spreadsheet: Done.
Going to bed at a reasonable time: 9/28.
One new recipe per week: 4/4.

Went to the GP today, spoke about a few things and generally went well. After a bit of ongoing investigation, a physical problem I have has been put down to anxiety. Would have been easier if I could treat it with pills, instead it seems I need to train myself. Not been physically well today again (unrelated to the problem) and just can't seem to be 100% well (physically speaking), am considering making another appointment for tomorrow when they open in the morning.

LadyGnome wrote: »

Alex, the most valuable thing we give our children is our time and attention. It is the thing that they value the most and seek out. Life is often a balancing act / a cost benefit analysis. Your parents prioritised growing their business and financial wealth over spending time with you. They may well have honestly believed that the benefit of the financial security, private schooling and big house was worth the cost of not spending enough time with you. I can understand their thought processes because I could easily fall into a similar mindset as financial security for the family is very important to me. However, I have recognised that the cost to my family of me working all the hours is high so I have chosen to work a bit less and accept the mortgage will be around longer. Your parents made the choices they thought were for the best, I have done the same. You are also trying to find the best balance for your family. Maybe for you and your son the cost of you trying to earn like your parents is too high versus the benefits it would bring. If earning like your parents meant working like they did and sacrificing your time with your son (and potentially damaging your mental health in the process) is it really worth it? Does the cost benefit analysis stack up for you? Earning like your parents did doesn't happen in isolation it had consequences for all of you.

Thanks, LG.

I know my parents did what they thought was right at the time. I do what I think is right for my son but doubt myself and wonder if I make my choices for selfish reasons (I like spending time with him, making things and learning things).

A_Frayed_Knot wrote: »

Alex - your comments also worried me, and although I was reading, did not feel it was appropriate for me to comment.

This brought a great big smile to me. Remembering when we were all at the caravan with my young nephew, when the lights went out. Power Cut. My nephew looked worried. What do we do now, Gran, he asked my mum, don't worry I've got a Paraffin Lamp and a pack of cards. We all played for a couple of hours before bedtime. Before going to bed he said - I really enjoyed that, it was really good fun tonight.

Just echoing that the simple, plain free things in life, with good company, are enjoyable, you don't need a huge bank balance and all the tea in China, to enjoy yourselves.

Alex - Get to bed early, no matter what, lack of sleep doesn't help. B e d t i m e, now ! ! ! Lights out :shhh: and I'll be taking a leaf out of my own book. Night.

I'm feeling a little better mentally today.

That sounds like a great memory, AFK. I have lots of memories of spending no money and having fantastic days with my son.

Need to go to bed now, really. Thanks for reminding me.

smallholdingsister wrote: »

Well done for booking in with your GP.

eta I hope the Labradors are ok. Both with you?

Thank you.

Both are with me and are enjoying the company. My wife, son and I usually walk them together after dinner of an evening. Told father if he wishes to talk to me he has between 8.30-9.00pm as I want to walk the dogs, spend time with my son and have a little time alone before catching up. 9.00pm is now my reading time. Also reminded him that the drawing room is "mine", so I go to him.

Suffolk_lass

Well done Alex, your positivity is coming back through in your posts in the last two days. You must take care of yourself, as you are realising.

We love some of the memories we have of camping when DS was at prep school and money was tight - we used to go to a farm on the cliffs above Weymouth Bay in Dorset that was only a camp site for a month a year and very basic - originally dug latrines and a couple of solar showers and some hay-bales in the middle of each field, with organic meat and eggs from the Farm available to buy. I remember fishing for mackerel with a string of hooks under the supervision of an old East-Ender who was teaching his grandson and took our Son under his wing as they struck up a holiday friendship. We were so different but it reminds me of the value in every relationship where something is "paid forward" - a skill someone has is taught to others.

I attended a resilience and wellbeing event at work yesterday and it was a good reminder of the needs and the techniques we can all use to mitigate life's pressures and stresses. I especially liked one of the youtube videos we were encouraged to watch, ahead of the event "One-Moment Meditation: "How to Meditate in a Moment" " - I would encourage anyone on here to take a few minutes to give it a watch. Anything that helps me to take a moment and restore my sense of proportion and priority is a tool I intend using more frequently.

I think we all try to do the best for our children and some of us think we have (and some fret that we have not). The important thing is that our children know they are loved and yours does. All the rest is opinion, experience and preference.

I think you should keep thinking and posting about the three things - I learned yesterday that if you look upwards when you feel down, it helps you be more positive - I certainly learned that putting a smile on my face made me feel a tiny bit better even when I was feeling very low last year. I love the resetting of boundaries with your Father - that was a positive not in your 3 things but very important. You could make a minute each day to reflect on something positive for that day as I know that helps me sleep - sadly I don't always stay asleep but I get the initial deep rest (been up since 04.15 this morning with things in my head).

SL

-taff

My friend used to advise me to put on some upbeat music and dance and sing to it.
Felt stupid when I started doing it, but it worked to get my head out of the not great space it was in.

I used to do that to the Blues Brothers.

maman

God that you're enlisting help from your GP Alex. No reason why you have to just put up with various ailments. Has to be a good idea to see what's advised.:)

AlexLK wrote: »

I know my parents did what they thought was right at the time. I do what I think is right for my son but doubt myself and wonder if I make my choices for selfish reasons (I like spending time with him, making things and learning things).

You are doing the best you can for your son and it's not selfish to enjoy it!


You found it extremely hard to cope with him going to school full time (which I think inadvertently may have contributed to him finding it difficult to settle). You must know that he'll need you less as he gets older but perhaps channelling your energies into teaching will help you manage that. You owe it to him to encourage him to be more independent. Supporting him is fine and giving him experiences to widen his horizons but he has to increasingly take responsibility for his own learning too.


I thought this might be of interest to you:

http://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/orchestras-new-free-school-will-give-pupils-a-rousing-education-5wwbvgcfv


Would it be too far for you or Little K?


or if you moved to that area you could afford a big house of your own.:D


http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-42627525.html


When are you going to share these new recipes with us?


Incidentally, the jacket potato, beans and cheese meal that LittleK had at his friend's home was very healthy and a safe bet. Hope he didn't ask for lobster?;):rotfl: