Renovations and Repayments.

AlexLK

Well, I tried to go to bed early tonight but couldn't sleep / stop thinking about some things my parents said earlier. They weren't very nice to my son or I after lunch today. I suppose it put me in a dark mindset. I've just read some of my posts from last year which someone told me to do as I seemed in a better frame of mind. It made me realise I normalise my parents' behaviour. My son asked me today why my "Mummy and Daddy" (glad they didn't her him saying that :rotfl:) aren't as friendly as my in-laws and why they are "grandmother and grandfather" (all his friends at school have grandmas etc.). Reading back made me realise they haven't changed, not in my lifetime. Every so often my father will go through phases of regret but he doesn't change.

Madmel wrote: »

Slightly random but have you tried listening to some Morton Feldman, Alex? I find some of his music for piano (4 hands?) really relaxing because it has huge gaps between the very soft chords. It's not to everyone's taste, but works for me. I also listen to Arvo Part's music for the same reason. Each year I end up taking groups of musicians on tours in the summer, which is really stressful (but fun). By about day 3 I need some downtime and can often grab 30 minutes lying on the bed listening to some Part string music and just zoning out.

I have to admit I listen to very little 20th Century music. There's a new challenge for me to try some Feldman / Part.

A_Frayed_Knot

AlexLK wrote: »

Well, I tried to go to bed early tonight but couldn't sleep / stop thinking about some things my parents said earlier. They weren't very nice to my son or I after lunch today. ...... It made me realise I normalise my parents' behaviour. ...... Reading back made me realise they haven't changed, not in my lifetime. Every so often my father will go through phases of regret but he doesn't change.

Alex have you ever removed yourself and your son from the room/house, when your parents start being offensive/not very nice to you and your son?

As soon as they start their remarks, ask your son if he would like to go for a walk with the dogs/ a drive/ or just get up and walk out. That would then leave them thinking next time they start, you will just up and leave, removing their target (you and your son). They may just then think twice about making any more remarks next time.

smallholdingsister

Yes on the discovery Alex (nice of you to remember). They are not new tyres and I did have some suspension work for the MOT but the tyres were already bumpy then.

Suffolk_lass

Try pasting this url Alex

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6eFFCi12v8

I googled one minute meditation and it was the first link for me

I am sorry to hear about your parents' behaviour. Perhaps Easter is a few weeks too long?

gallygirl

Not only are you normalising their behaviour Alex, you're normalising their expectation that you're living there and your father is becoming completely reliant on you. Time to go home - and make it a home.

cazmanian_minx

Oh, Arvo Part is fabulous - try starting with Fratres and Spiegel im Spiegel. The Tasmin Little recordings of both are very good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYypmgIYOVQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNz3394o3PM

misscousinitt

A_Frayed_Knot wrote: »

Alex have you ever removed yourself and your son from the room/house, when your parents start being offensive/not very nice to you and your son?

As soon as they start their remarks, ask your son if he would like to go for a walk with the dogs/ a drive/ or just get up and walk out. That would then leave them thinking next time they start, you will just up and leave, removing their target (you and your son). They may just then think twice about making any more remarks next time.

AFK is right - this does work!

Years ago I used to go to my parents house at Christmas and cook dinner for them. One year they argued (which was not unusual) and this spoiled the day. I said that if they ever did that again (Dad was always the instigator) that I would never cook dinner on Christmas Day again! The next year Dad started again and true to my word I never cooked or had dinner with them both on Christmas Day again. I spent time with them but then went down my MILS for dinner. My Dad actually respected me a little after this. It is best to remove yourself from the situation as it reinforces that this is not acceptable behaviour and you will not tolerate it. It doesn't mean you love or care for them any less.

I have been worried over your posts recently - don't let this incident bring you down - you were strong with them before and you can be again.

Take care.

MCI

AlexLK

Targets:
Total Grocery Spend: £490/>£500.
Savings: £150/£250.
Keep track of and replying to communications: Done.
Updating spreadsheet: Done.
Going to bed at a reasonable time: 11/28. Went to bed very early, couldn't sleep but went straight to bed after writing the post last night and went to sleep. Tried some Feldman, seems to have worked for me last night.
One new recipe per week: 4/4. I will update these in March with what I actually cooked.
3 Things:1. Read before sleep, 2. Light out before midnight, 3. Do the one minute meditation at least once.

Starting to think I'm beginning to be the unreasonable one so far as my marriage is concerned. The thing that made me leave before Christmas was to do with somethings that happened quite a long time previous to her telling me. Apparently, she told me because she wanted no secrets between us. She hadn't anticipated I would react in the way I did. I want to make another go of my marriage but don't think it will last unless she keeps the promises she has made. We talked about some quite long-term plans today. She doesn't want to live here and feels she has no say in the matter as I will decide I want to live here. Not really sure this place / my parents' wishes are worth losing my wife over. I told her that in an ideal world I'd like to move to the north coast of Cornwall or the south of France when we're older and she said that she'd love that also. Can't deny the fact I'm concerned about my son when he is older if we do not live here and choose to move from the other house also but some posts on here about me not needing to pass a house onto him have made me think if there is another solution. I want my son to be independent but also don't want him to not have somewhere to call home.

A_Frayed_Knot wrote: »

Alex have you ever removed yourself and your son from the room/house, when your parents start being offensive/not very nice to you and your son?

As soon as they start their remarks, ask your son if he would like to go for a walk with the dogs/ a drive/ or just get up and walk out. That would then leave them thinking next time they start, you will just up and leave, removing their target (you and your son). They may just then think twice about making any more remarks next time.

I haven't recently. I do wonder if my parents are manipulative as they were really good over the Christmas period but have slowly been less nice.

I did once tell them to get out of my house. Usually, I just end up apologising to my son on their behalf.

Not really been here today as I've been at the other house with my wife. We've not done a lot with the day. Worked on tiding a bit and made cheese and sun-dried tomato scones for lunch tomorrow and some bread with our son.

smallholdingsister wrote: »

Yes on the discovery Alex (nice of you to remember). They are not new tyres and I did have some suspension work for the MOT but the tyres were already bumpy then.

Sorry, I'm not sure. By "bumpy" do you mean the tread wear is not even?

Suffolk_lass wrote: »

Try pasting this url Alex

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6eFFCi12v8

I googled one minute meditation and it was the first link for me

I am sorry to hear about your parents' behaviour. Perhaps Easter is a few weeks too long?

Thanks, SL. Just tried it now. Almost fell to sleep twice in the minute. No idea why that worked, to be honest but I think I'll try it / another meditation and some music tonight. I do wonder if a lot is to do with my attitude, when I've done these type of things before I've always been cynical / sure it won't work for me but this time I was open minded and focused on the idea that it could work whilst it was being explained.

Not really seen my parents today apart from to take my father out for a walk with the dogs. He didn't want to but realised I wouldn't listen to his ranting if he didn't come for a walk. Mother thinks I'm being unreasonable.

AlexLK

gallygirl wrote: »

Not only are you normalising their behaviour Alex, you're normalising their expectation that you're living there and your father is becoming completely reliant on you. Time to go home - and make it a home.

I can't say I want my father becoming reliant but I suppose he has been to some extent or another for a while now. He expects me to take him to his medical appointments and to talk to me whenever he calls (be that knocking on the door or calling me on the 'phone). It seems mother now expects dinner to be served at a certain time as she was annoyed that twice this week I haven't been home to cook dinner at the time she wants it. She is more than capable of cooking and I let them know with plenty of warning if I'm not going to be back. Father isn't so ill he can't help, either.

So far as the other house is concerned, my wife and I don't have the money to finish the house without saving, selling some things or borrowing the money. She is doing really well with saving at the moment and we've identified a few areas we can cut back on to hopefully make some more savings but that will be a slow process to finish everything. Today she told me that she wants to be more involved with the finances as now she is managing her own finances, she can see how much she "wasted". She also has said she's going to ask work if she leave early one Friday close to Easter so she can come to a school recital afternoon that I've organised and our son is playing in. I was quite surprised. Apparently, the MD told her she should make some more time for her family after she spoke to him about leaving early for the counselling session, also seems very pleased with her work and encouraged her to apply for her current manager's job (he's leaving).

cazmanian_minx wrote: »

Oh, Arvo Part is fabulous - try starting with Fratres and Spiegel im Spiegel. The Tasmin Little recordings of both are very good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYypmgIYOVQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNz3394o3PM

Will have a listen to those a little later, thank you.

misscousinitt wrote: »

AFK is right - this does work!

Years ago I used to go to my parents house at Christmas and cook dinner for them. One year they argued (which was not unusual) and this spoiled the day. I said that if they ever did that again (Dad was always the instigator) that I would never cook dinner on Christmas Day again! The next year Dad started again and true to my word I never cooked or had dinner with them both on Christmas Day again. I spent time with them but then went down my MILS for dinner. My Dad actually respected me a little after this. It is best to remove yourself from the situation as it reinforces that this is not acceptable behaviour and you will not tolerate it. It doesn't mean you love or care for them any less.

I have been worried over your posts recently - don't let this incident bring you down - you were strong with them before and you can be again.

Take care.

MCI

Thank you, MCI.

I'm not in a great place at the moment, don't really know what is the right thing to do re. my parents / my marriage / my life in general. If I'm honest, I'm quite jealous of my parents and my wife and where they have managed to get in life without any help (financial or otherwise).

AlexLK

cazmanian_minx wrote: »

Oh, Arvo Part is fabulous - try starting with Fratres and Spiegel im Spiegel. The Tasmin Little recordings of both are very good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYypmgIYOVQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNz3394o3PM

Just listened to both, amazing music. I will play these to my son tomorrow. I think he'll find Spiegel im Spiegel a little more accessible but we shall see. I'd like to think he has a wide appreciation for music: we listen to a lot of 18th and 19th Century music, a little jazz and some '60's / '70's pop / rock mainly.

At school they have to take things from home in to show to their class and teacher, recently the teacher wanted their current favourite piece of music. Rest of the class presents well known or very recent pop songs, my son ... the prelude to Parsifal. :cool: Teacher seemed to know nothing about Wagner, so it wasn't as awkward as it could have been... Yes, I'm guilty of exposing my 6 year old son to Wagner's music (doesn't know anything about the operas yet). :rotfl: