Renovations and Repayments.

misscousinitt

Best of Luck Alex! We are all rooting for you.

I was subjected to Wagner when I was a child :rotfl: - never did me any harm - but then I was subjected to David Bowie, Patti Smith and Dr Hook too - there is no accounting for taste.

As it transpires as I have got older, I have an extremely eclectic musical taste - I like all sorts from Mozart to Motorhead

Seriously though, I hope everything works out for you, MrsK and LittleK.

MCI

amanda_p

Best of luck Alex. I have read your thread from beginning to end and think your decision is the right one. Go back, give family life a chance, just the three of you.
With regard to private education, my son is a Consultant Neurosurgeon at a London Hospital. He is 36. He went to the local village primary school, then a comprehensive and transferred to a grammar school for 6th form. He passed a gruelling interview to get a place at medical school and worked his socks off for the 6 years he was there. His first try for a Neurosurgery training post, he didn't get but on the 2nd attempt he was offered a 9 year training post for neuro surgery, 2 years as an SHO,7 years as a registrar and finally Consultant.
What was interesting in the interview sage for Neurosurgery was that he was up against a fair few candidates that went to Public School. He said they were all incredibly bright yet the 9 he was competing against could not deal with the 'empathy towards patients' scenario. They all lacked a broader understanding of people from all walks of life as in their school they were a much protected species. They had no dealings with people of a very different background than what they experienced.
What I am trying to say is that a rounded education in all walks of life is a far more important instrument for your sons future. My son loved school all the way through and this has stood him in good stead for the very competitive job he has striven for.
As parents we are the bow and they are the arrows. Give them a good grounding and they will fly. They are their own people and not an extension of us. We just feel proud that he has made a success of his life and fought and worked hard to get there. Time is precious for him and his wife, long hours mean they often pass in the night. We see him when he has time, which isn't that often. But our job is done and he is making his way in the world. We are here for him should he need us but understand he has his own life and future ahead of him. As parents we certainly don't resent the fact that we don't see him very often, the nature of his job dictates that.
Make your house into a home for the three of you and be proud of what you have achieved, all your son will see is a dad who loves him very much. Material things will mean nothing to him, it is the love and stability they remember. One of the things my son remembers is his Friday night treat of being allowed to eat his dinner on his lap in the lounge, while watching Thunderbirds. The highlight of his week!

AlexLK

Had an awful day.

kelpie35 wrote: »

I've told my wife I am planning to go back and give things another try.

That is the best news I have heard from you in a long while.

I do hope and pray that things will work well for all of you.

Have you packed your bags yet?

Thank you, I hope things work out too.

-taff wrote: »

Just wondering.....
You are giving your son time and effort, and all the stuff you're supposed to give children.

What happens when he grows up and you start pressurising him to move in with you, to look after you , to cook for you, to take you to appointments, to listen to you ramble about how bad you are but not really change, to take advantage of him by letting him do your work but not paying him for it....see where I'm going with this?

If you wouldn't do it to your son, why would you accept it from your parents? Because they are doing that to you and you are letting them.


And in other news, good to hear you're going back, hope it's rosier on the flip side

I don't plan to do that to my son. Equally, I somehow doubt he will need me when he's older.

Thank you.

Suffolk_lass wrote: »

Well done Alex. I sincerely hope this is the right thing for you. It is the decision I made, and it worked for us

Thank you, SL. I do think I'm making the right decision at the moment.

AlexLK

JustAboutThere wrote: »

I've heard it said that people don't value things they get for free.

Is it possible your parents - or yourself (subconsciously) don't put value on the work you do for the company if you don't draw a realistic salary?

You do the work, you deserve to be paid.

Even if you don't want it, its a means to an end - perhaps completing renovations on your own house.

Just a thought . . .

I don't put value on the work I do and probably wouldn't even if I drew more money from it. I would not be in a position to do what I do if it were not for my parents.

I suppose I feel bad about the idea of taking more money and spending it. The ex-tenant wanted to pay me for the joinery work I've done on the house he's just bought, I told him not to worry about it, put it towards other bills that will crop up and to enjoy the house.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

Brilliant news, Alex.

The solution to this is called "paying yourself first". The minute you get income, you lock away whatever of it you don't want to spend. Us peons generally do that via pensions , but you could easily open a regular saver for any house plans that are 1+ years away, or even something as simple as a current account that you don't have a debit card/chequebook for, so that you would have to go in to the bank to get cash. (Not an insurmountable hurdle, to be sure, but certainly harder than just clicking "Buy It Now" on whatever classic car website you happen to be on )

Whatever you haven't locked away is what you can spend for the month. I highly recommend allowances, provided you (and MrsK) can figure out what numbers are workable (too high and you buy another car, too low and you feel deprived). I also recommend arranging as many DDs for the same day/week of the month, and paying yourself right before that. Then you get paid, money immediately leaves the account for whatever you've committed to, and the remainder is your food/fun/misc money.

(TL;DR: use a budget )


You possibly should look after them (to an extent), because you do care about them and their well-being, and it needn't make you suffer to look after them. That said, you could easily do that with much less time/effort/mental strain than you're doing now. Just because they raised you doesn't mean you're their slave for live. You need to put your own needs first (family, house, time commitments, etc.) and fit them in around that...and they need to realise that's the case. Even (especially!) if your "needs" include taking a weekend afternoon for an outing with MrsK and LittleK and not interacting with your parents at all that day....they will manage, by necessity if nothing else.

As for wanting to care for them....yes, if you care about them, you'll want to make sure they're not suffering. That's not the same thing as thinking "if I could choose anything to do today, I would jump up and down to listen to Father ramble on about that summer when he was 17 again". And that's OK.

(Forgive my saying, but it doesn't sound like they're at all appreciative of the time/sacrifices you've spent on them the past two months, so they deserve a bit of a reality check IMO!)

Thank you, HS.

I was thinking about having the teaching money put into a pension if I go to work for a school. At some point that would mean I would have an income in retirement that wasn't in effect me taking from my family's estate.

Thank you for the suggests about how we could run the finances going forwards. Our direct debits are all over the month and from the spreadsheet point of view it would be a lot easier if they went out on the same day. Can you request the company changes it and are they obliged to?

If my wife wishes to have a reasonable allowance for personal spending, I'd be happy for her to do that.

My parents are difficult people but I do care about their well being. They aren't appreciative and think I should do what is expected of me.

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Step back from this for a minute and think about it some more.

If that was the real reason your wife doesn't like your parents, wouldn't it logically follow that she wouldn't have got involved with you either? That she wouldn't like you for lots of the same reasons? I think its well established that whatever her flaws, she certainly does like you very much!

Is it not more likely that she dislikes your parents for other reasons? Perhaps because they are rude and unpleasant to and about her and to and about her family? Perhaps because of the way they treat you, the man she loves, and all the harm they have done to you over the years for the sake of money and pride, which she cares little about? Perhaps because of some of the very mean things they have said and done to her very young son?

My parents aren't very "nice" people, I don't suppose. I do think my wife shares some of her father's views, not to an extreme level but she is not keen for my son to attend an independent school and doesn't like the idea of money / assets being passed from generation to generation.

AlexLK

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Everything crossed for you, Alex. MrsK has not been an angel, but it definitely sounds like she wants to make a go of things now!

Much love to you both, and to LittleK!

HBS x

Thank you, HBS.

My wife is really trying, I think. One thing I didn't think she'd stick at is working through strategies to calm her rather than getting angry. I showed her the one moment meditation and she thought it was a good idea to try (for her). Quite surprised she's been taking calming down very seriously. Also didn't think she'd stick with taking my son to orchestra with me (I never asked her to) but she has. She's also been allowed the time off work to come to the recital afternoon and has told son who is excited to have Mummy coming to school.

edinburgher wrote: »

I am always confused by tl; dr. Surely when you're writing the overly long post, it's more helpful to put it at the start, like an executive summary?

I appreciate that if you're 'tl; dr'ing someone else's post, it would naturally/logically fall after said post.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

That does make sense, I think I've only ever seen it at the end - I guess because you start reading, you read for a bit, you scroll a bit and realise how long it is and then you're already at the end so you could read the TL/DR there?

I end up writing it at the end because it takes me until then to realise what the summary should be. Though granted, that doesn't prevent me from moving to the top...that's laziness kicking in.

I didn't know what it meant and had to look it up.

AlexLK

misscousinitt wrote: »

Best of Luck Alex! We are all rooting for you.

I was subjected to Wagner when I was a child :rotfl: - never did me any harm - but then I was subjected to David Bowie, Patti Smith and Dr Hook too - there is no accounting for taste.

As it transpires as I have got older, I have an extremely eclectic musical taste - I like all sorts from Mozart to Motorhead

Seriously though, I hope everything works out for you, MrsK and LittleK.

MCI

Thank you, MCI.

I have quite an eclectic taste in music, also and hope my son continues to enjoy music.

amanda_p wrote: »

Best of luck Alex. I have read your thread from beginning to end and think your decision is the right one. Go back, give family life a chance, just the three of you.
With regard to private education, my son is a Consultant Neurosurgeon at a London Hospital. He is 36. He went to the local village primary school, then a comprehensive and transferred to a grammar school for 6th form. He passed a gruelling interview to get a place at medical school and worked his socks off for the 6 years he was there. His first try for a Neurosurgery training post, he didn't get but on the 2nd attempt he was offered a 9 year training post for neuro surgery, 2 years as an SHO,7 years as a registrar and finally Consultant.
What was interesting in the interview sage for Neurosurgery was that he was up against a fair few candidates that went to Public School. He said they were all incredibly bright yet the 9 he was competing against could not deal with the 'empathy towards patients' scenario. They all lacked a broader understanding of people from all walks of life as in their school they were a much protected species. They had no dealings with people of a very different background than what they experienced.
What I am trying to say is that a rounded education in all walks of life is a far more important instrument for your sons future. My son loved school all the way through and this has stood him in good stead for the very competitive job he has striven for.
As parents we are the bow and they are the arrows. Give them a good grounding and they will fly. They are their own people and not an extension of us. We just feel proud that he has made a success of his life and fought and worked hard to get there. Time is precious for him and his wife, long hours mean they often pass in the night. We see him when he has time, which isn't that often. But our job is done and he is making his way in the world. We are here for him should he need us but understand he has his own life and future ahead of him. As parents we certainly don't resent the fact that we don't see him very often, the nature of his job dictates that.
Make your house into a home for the three of you and be proud of what you have achieved, all your son will see is a dad who loves him very much. Material things will mean nothing to him, it is the love and stability they remember. One of the things my son remembers is his Friday night treat of being allowed to eat his dinner on his lap in the lounge, while watching Thunderbirds. The highlight of his week!

Thank you, Amanda.

Your son is the same age as I am. He's clearly done very well, whereas I have not. From your post, I think he was probably always likely to do well no matter the school he attended and I was likely not to do well. I certainly know I didn't have the maturity to enrol myself in medical school at 18.

I do understand where you are coming from re. getting to know people from all walks of life. I thought I did but really I actively avoided that before my 30s. Schooling likely contributed something towards my apathy. However, I don't necessarily think attending a state school provides the opportunity for a child to get to know people from all walks of life, either. That would very much depend on where the state school is located and its reputation.

I try my absolute best with my son and do not treat him as an extension of myself. I only want for him to be happy. If that means he follows a challenging career path or if that means he decides to travel the world with only the things he can carry, it doesn't matter to me. I do want him to have a good education, though. That's something I would like to think I have the ability to provide.

Red-Squirrel_2

AlexLK wrote: »

she is not keen for my son to attend an independent school and doesn't like the idea of money / assets being passed from generation to generation.

Those are perfectly reasonable views, I very much agree with her on those points! I do think it's remarkable and to your credit that you've muddled along so well together for so long when you are so very different in lots of ways.

Wishing you all the best for your reconciliation, I hope you don't reply anymore tonight because you're happily ensconced at home with your wife and enjoying each other's company!

hiddenshadow

AlexLK wrote: »

Thank you for the suggests about how we could run the finances going forwards. Our direct debits are all over the month and from the spreadsheet point of view it would be a lot easier if they went out on the same day. Can you request the company changes it and are they obliged to?

Yes, it should be just a simple phone call. I think they might have to wait a certain amount of time to make the change but I could be making that up (or it could just be for the original DD to start).

If my wife wishes to have a reasonable allowance for personal spending, I'd be happy for her to do that.

You should do it for yourself, too! Being in the mode of "must never spend money, can't be trusted" isn't healthy/balanced. It'll just make you break out at some point and buy another £X(X?),XXX car. At least if you had, say, £500/mo as your allowance you could buy a few £X,XXX cars each year guilt-free.

My parents are difficult people but I do care about their well being. They aren't appreciative and think I should do what is expected of me.

It's understandable to care about their well-being, just try not to get sucked into their version of events where you have to do everything for them, and/or be accessible to them at all times.

AlexLK

Targets:
Total Grocery Spend: £495/>£500. :j:j:j:j:T:T:T:T:beer::beer::beer::beer: Can't quite believe I managed this.
Savings: £150/£250. Didn't manage this.
Keep track of and replying to communications: Haven't managed this today.
Updating spreadsheet: Done.
Going to bed at a reasonable time: 13/28. Going to try going to bed after writing this, so 13 is for today.
One new recipe per week: 4/4. I will update these in March with what I actually cooked.
3 Things:1. Try to smile a bit more, 2. Light out before midnight, 3. Try meditation at night again.

I've not had a good day today. Had a lot of dark thoughts centred around my failures. Woke up feeling terrible and thinking about opportunities I've wasted. As I was finishing the work at my ex-tenant's house today I've had a lot of time alone, thinking and that made things worse.

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Those are perfectly reasonable views, I very much agree with her on those points! I do think it's remarkable and to your credit that you've muddled along so well together for so long when you are so very different in lots of ways.

Wishing you all the best for your reconciliation, I hope you don't reply anymore tonight because you're happily ensconced at home with your wife and enjoying each other's company!

We are also very similar in some ways and have a lot of shared interests. When we go away on a holiday and can forget about my obligations here we have a fantastic relationship. I've learnt a lot about her reasons for doing the things she's done as well as things she's tried to pretend are OK but aren't really during our counselling. This is the second time we've had it as a couple. First time produced no long term change or solutions but I don't think she was particularly willing. This time seems completely different, to my surprise.

:rotfl: I'm not there tonight, though my wife came here for the evening. Even if I was there or she stayed, she'd be asleep by now. She goes to bed early.

AlexLK

hiddenshadow wrote: »

Yes, it should be just a simple phone call. I think they might have to wait a certain amount of time to make the change but I could be making that up (or it could just be for the original DD to start).

You should do it for yourself, too! Being in the mode of "must never spend money, can't be trusted" isn't healthy/balanced. It'll just make you break out at some point and buy another £X(X?),XXX car. At least if you had, say, £500/mo as your allowance you could buy a few £X,XXX cars each year guilt-free.

It's understandable to care about their well-being, just try not to get sucked into their version of events where you have to do everything for them, and/or be accessible to them at all times.

Going to speak to my wife about the direct debits, it would make tracking our finances a lot easier.

I'm not really a healthy or balanced person, HS. At the moment, whenever I earn any extra money I put it straight into our savings because I really don't think I can be trusted. I've had large amounts of personal money that hasn't been tied up in a business / asset etc. and could not stop spending. I was also living a very unhealthy lifestyle. At the moment if I had an extra £500 per month after all bills / food etc. are taken care of, I would probably spend £50 and save £450. The cars are and aren't an extravagance as they are appreciating and sometimes we sell. At the moment, we plan to sell one of the cars which should have gone a while back and put that money towards the bathroom. I think we will be able to raise about £4,000 when that is gone (not all the cars are expensive ones, this one was an impulse buy last year and both my wife and I regret it a little bit) and with another £4,000 should be able to get the work done.

My parents expect that. When I question it, they'll make me the guilty one as they've worked so much over their lives to provide for future generations. They will pay for my son's schooling because I can't etc. etc. So it is difficult to not get embroiled.