Renovations and Repayments.

smallholdingsister

Great news if you and MrsK are making progress.

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

I feel very guilty for doing a lot of the things I do as I wonder if partly I volunteer / spend extra time with pupils working on concepts they struggle with / make extra resources / put a lot of effort into parenting to try to make me feel better about myself rather than because I am a "good" person. Not sure how long I can carry the weight of the past, nor do I think it is helping me or my family, really.

I can't begin to count how many times you've been told that you can't keep harking back to the past. That's done, can't be changed but you can (and are) learn from it and move forward. Continually beating yourself up over it achieves nothing other than to screw you up. No one is saying it's easy but it's definitely the way to go.


As for feeling guilty about working hard at being a good parent and teacher. It's a good thing to do, it's admirable. Don't feel guilty about the fact that you enjoy it and find (amazingly!) that it gives you pleasure.


It's time you threw that hair shirt in the bin! It's not a good look.;)

daisy_1571

I don't walk well. I keep falling over. I'm such a failure cos I don't walk well. It's a nightmare and I can't get it out of my head I don't walk well. Wish I wasn't such a complete and utter failure.

Now you might say kindly to me, "daisy dear I agree you didn't walk well 50 years ago, but you were only a year old and you found it hard to coordinate yourself, since then you have grown literally and mentally, you kept trying, you watched how others walked and tried again and again even if you fell over and now you can walk in high heels, over rough surfaces, on sand and all round the supermarket"

You would of course be absolutely correct and it is up to me whether I keep focusing on the 1 year old me and my 'failures' or accept that time for what it was and choose to focus on my more recent behaviour.

I hope I made you laugh at the absurdity of that but the same holds true of you. You are choosing to keep focusing on some things without realising that you have been on here, taken ideas that suit you getting yourself out of debt, starting to plan your spending, meal plan (a huge step for someone who used to buy food daily insisting you could 'taste' the difference if something had been in your fridge more than 1 day), you have been keeping control of your spending for some years now yet you keep deciding to go on about all the 'mistakes' you made financially and otherwise.

You say when you are in a down you forget to do the things that will help, lots of people find it useful to write things on notes and stick them round the house to remind them. Could be positive words or sayings, could be in code just for you, could be pictures etc so littlek doesn't get the full significance. Do what suits you. Downward spirals clearly don't suit you so do everything you can to avoid the triggers, make them go quicker and stay away longer between episodes.

And don't underestimate lack of sleep. It's no coincidence it's used as a form of torture, it disrupts your happy hormones and makes it harder to make good decisions. You didn't expect littlek to sleep right through the night straight away when he was young but I assume you didn't give in and let him stay up all night so do the same for you - bed at same time every night for 3 weeks at least, get up at same time every day for same, limit liquid in the couple of hours before bed, no screens before bed as the blue light given off makes your brain think it's daytime etc etc etc. It's not rocket science but don't think you can go early one night and you've broken the habit.

Anyhoo, hope you can take something from this, as ever please ignore what doesn't "click" with you as sometimes things are said at the wrong time to 'make sense' so do what's good for you

daisy

AlexLK

March Targets:

Total Grocery Spend: £27/>£450.
Surplus Money: £0/£750.
Going to bed at a reasonable time: 3/31. Went to bed as planned last night but had a terrible night. Will be going to bed after writing this again, though.
Meditation:4/31.
One new recipe per week: 0/4. One planned, just a simple lunchtime pasta salad with a new tomato and red pepper sauce I'll make beforehand.
Read three books: 0/3.
3 Things for Sunday: 1. One hour doing something relaxing, 2. Do supermarket component of the food shop, 3. Tie up a few loose ends (business).

1. Have an hour of doing something relaxing, hahaha, been out all day with my wife and son. 2. Try to distract myself / meditate if feeling negative, not had time to feel negative. 3. Tie up a few loose ends (business)Need to deal with this tomorrow..

smallholdingsister wrote: »

Great news if you and MrsK are making progress.

Thanks, Smallholding. We are making a lot of progress.

maman wrote: »

I can't begin to count how many times you've been told that you can't keep harking back to the past. That's done, can't be changed but you can (and are) learn from it and move forward. Continually beating yourself up over it achieves nothing other than to screw you up. No one is saying it's easy but it's definitely the way to go.

As for feeling guilty about working hard at being a good parent and teacher. It's a good thing to do, it's admirable. Don't feel guilty about the fact that you enjoy it and find (amazingly!) that it gives you pleasure.

It's time you threw that hair shirt in the bin! It's not a good look.;)

Thank you, maman. I am trying to sort myself out.

Yesterday, I suggested my father might be better seeing a professional about some of the problems he has. He told me he wanted to, then mother got involved in the conversation and apparently I'm being disrespectful for daring to suggest father see a professional. I suppose I see a lot of my traits of harking back to the past and the negativity in him.

My wife said something similar about beating myself up over the past.

daisy_1571 wrote: »

I don't walk well. I keep falling over. I'm such a failure cos I don't walk well. It's a nightmare and I can't get it out of my head I don't walk well. Wish I wasn't such a complete and utter failure.

Now you might say kindly to me, "daisy dear I agree you didn't walk well 50 years ago, but you were only a year old and you found it hard to coordinate yourself, since then you have grown literally and mentally, you kept trying, you watched how others walked and tried again and again even if you fell over and now you can walk in high heels, over rough surfaces, on sand and all round the supermarket"

You would of course be absolutely correct and it is up to me whether I keep focusing on the 1 year old me and my 'failures' or accept that time for what it was and choose to focus on my more recent behaviour.

I hope I made you laugh at the absurdity of that but the same holds true of you. You are choosing to keep focusing on some things without realising that you have been on here, taken ideas that suit you getting yourself out of debt, starting to plan your spending, meal plan (a huge step for someone who used to buy food daily insisting you could 'taste' the difference if something had been in your fridge more than 1 day), you have been keeping control of your spending for some years now yet you keep deciding to go on about all the 'mistakes' you made financially and otherwise.

You say when you are in a down you forget to do the things that will help, lots of people find it useful to write things on notes and stick them round the house to remind them. Could be positive words or sayings, could be in code just for you, could be pictures etc so littlek doesn't get the full significance. Do what suits you. Downward spirals clearly don't suit you so do everything you can to avoid the triggers, make them go quicker and stay away longer between episodes.

And don't underestimate lack of sleep. It's no coincidence it's used as a form of torture, it disrupts your happy hormones and makes it harder to make good decisions. You didn't expect littlek to sleep right through the night straight away when he was young but I assume you didn't give in and let him stay up all night so do the same for you - bed at same time every night for 3 weeks at least, get up at same time every day for same, limit liquid in the couple of hours before bed, no screens before bed as the blue light given off makes your brain think it's daytime etc etc etc. It's not rocket science but don't think you can go early one night and you've broken the habit.

Anyhoo, hope you can take something from this, as ever please ignore what doesn't "click" with you as sometimes things are said at the wrong time to 'make sense' so do what's good for you

daisy

Hi Daisy,

Thank you again.

Your post has made me think about how I view the past. Just need to think about this when it is negatively affecting me.

The notes idea is good and one I think I will take on board.

Re. sleep. I had a terrible night last night and was about to give up tonight and not both going to bed until I saw this. I'm going to try again tonight. I do wonder if a lot of the trouble is the fact I don't have a sleep routine as such. At one point I started doing all the things you listed and it did work. Tonight, I've just finished drinking a cup of tea (bad) and am on the computer (bad) ... I am going to go to bed after writing this so that's better than usual. :rotfl: My problem is having a bad night and it all starting again. You are right about my son, I am quite strict about his bedtime routine.

Cannot remember anyone saying that sometimes advice is given at the wrong time to make sense but that thought really helps. I've really struggled with various help I've been given over the years, mainly related to my MH but sometimes things do work or make sense months or even years later. Over the past few years, more things have started to make sense and various methods I'd consigned to not working for me are starting to. When I have times of very low mood and sometimes suicidal thought, they subside much quicker than was once the case.

AlexLK

March Targets:

Total Grocery Spend: £67/>£450.
Surplus Money: £0/£750.
Going to bed at a reasonable time: 4/31. Was later going to bed last night but did get to sleep quite quickly. Meditation seemed to work last night, too. Tomorrow is an early morning for all of us, so I will be going to bed earlier and plan to make the Monday morning get up my get up time everyday, trying your method, Daisy. My wife has a very strict routine with sleep, so I'm hoping I can get into the same habit. I think the time has come.
Meditation:5/31. Only doing the one minute meditation as and when at the moment.
One new recipe per week: 1/4.
Read three books: 0/3. Starting the first one this evening as my bedtime read, it's about keeping marine aquariums.
3 Things for Monday: 1. Be ready for school without rushing around, 2. Find three things to smile about, 3. Write a few notes to remind myself about the meditation if things aren't going well and place around the house.

1. One hour doing something relaxing, achieved: was busy doing absolutely nothing for an hour earlier today. 2. Do supermarket component of the food shop, done. 3. Tie up a few loose ends (business). Going to do after writing this.

Had a good weekend. Today has been quiet and I've really quite enjoyed that. Just read the article on here about driving in France and I am really annoyed; the car we plan to take was made in 1972 so won't qualify for a sticker and this basically means we won't be able to go to Paris as part of the trip unless we either take Mrs K's company car (not sure if we can), my LR (which would not be very comfortable) or borrow my father's XJ. Besides, one of the highlights of this is going in a classic car. :mad: So glad we're coming out of the EU before this type of rubbish gets put into EU law and subsequently becomes law over here.

My son is so pleased to be back here. I'm really quite surprised by how much. Not a lot planned for this coming week as we have quite a lot of work / school to deal with. Earlier today we were pricing up a few bathroom ideas online. My wife wants some things I see as quite modern whereas I want it to look like it's all supposed to be here but I can see her point. The room would be more functional as she wants it and a reproduction suite in the style of something from the Victorian era is going to cost a lot less and be much less hassle than sourcing something original (to the standard I'd want it to be). We're hoping to do it on a budget of £8,000 which I'm not sure is realistic or not.

AlexLK

3. Tie up a few loose ends (business). [STRIKE]Going to do after writing this.[/STRIKE] Completed.

Suffolk_lass

£8000 definitely a good budget for a bathroom. I can recommend the bath we bought which is a polycarbonate with a layer of something in the bottom to prevent it creaking (apparently plastic baths can do) - it is long with a central tap. We had previously always had cast iron and roll-tops but this is better at keeping the water hot and longer than standard as my husband is tall.

We also have a larger than average separate shower cubicle 1000mm x 900mm which I recommend highly - using shower board on the two corner walls and a 2-sided glazed sliding door and frame. If there is one room to depart from the feel of an older house I always think it is the bathroom. They can always take a mix of contemporary and traditional if you choose carefully. I usually (4 bathrooms) budget a bit less than £8000, including one where we hired a kanga hammer drill to remove the tiles and old concrete render, taking it back to pipes and bare bricks, before rebuilding. There are some good quality reasonably priced options if you want to spend less.

Definitely think about electric under-floor heating - you can buy a mat now, that just goes under your hard flooring (our last one required a liquid rubber self-levelling screed to be poured after laying all the wires but they come as a ready-made thing these days).

Good to hear that one-moment med is working for you - it is for me too!

-taff

Is the mat on a concrete floor or cn it be used on wooden flooring?
Sounds like a workable [and desirable] idea

AlexLK

Suffolk_lass wrote: »

£8000 definitely a good budget for a bathroom. I can recommend the bath we bought which is a polycarbonate with a layer of something in the bottom to prevent it creaking (apparently plastic baths can do) - it is long with a central tap. We had previously always had cast iron and roll-tops but this is better at keeping the water hot and longer than standard as my husband is tall.

We also have a larger than average separate shower cubicle 1000mm x 900mm which I recommend highly - using shower board on the two corner walls and a 2-sided glazed sliding door and frame. If there is one room to depart from the feel of an older house I always think it is the bathroom. They can always take a mix of contemporary and traditional if you choose carefully. I usually (4 bathrooms) budget a bit less than £8000, including one where we hired a kanga hammer drill to remove the tiles and old concrete render, taking it back to pipes and bare bricks, before rebuilding. There are some good quality reasonably priced options if you want to spend less.

Definitely think about electric under-floor heating - you can buy a mat now, that just goes under your hard flooring (our last one required a liquid rubber self-levelling screed to be poured after laying all the wires but they come as a ready-made thing these days).

Good to hear that one-moment med is working for you - it is for me too!

-taff wrote: »

Is the mat on a concrete floor or cn it be used on wooden flooring?
Sounds like a workable [and desirable] idea

Thanks, SL.

I hadn't thought about a bath made of anything other than cast iron, to be honest. My wife wants a separate shower unit. I think it's a good idea but am concerned about how it is going to be in keeping with the rest of the room.

Rather glad we've only the one bathroom and not 4! Ours will be stripped back and started again.

Had not considered underfloor heating. I'll look into it as it sounds interesting.

maman

While a shower unit isn't Victorian, a completely plain glass enclosure shouldn't detract as the wall tiling will show through and those rainfall type shower heads have a Victorian look. Try pinterest for ideas.