Renovations and Repayments.

AlexLK

Suffolk_lass wrote: »

Alex, I hope the meditation last night helped you to have a decent night's sleep. Don't forget the little smile, it releases some positive chemicals that help a bit, along with the looking up and sense of perspective stuff.
SL

Thank you, SL.

Went to counselling with my wife yesterday evening which was really successful and went to bed super early, 10pm at the same time as my wife. Realised how much I missed my own bed. :rotfl:

newgirly wrote: »

Hi Alex, sorry you are struggling again. You just seem to want to punish yourself all the time and it seems from what you have mentioned in the past that you have plenty of guilt from your parents already, no need to add to it yourself.

You have a chance of a fresh start with your wife and son, i really hope whatever happens in that respect you don't continue to be bogged down with the past, it's a cliche but life is too short

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Agreed, NG. And it makes me so sad to read it.

HBS x

Thanks, NG. You're right about punishing myself, I do and think I deserve not to be happy. We had world book day today at school (sports car boy school that I'm volunteering at), it was fantastic, really enjoyed it. So did my son at his school. Wife didn't have WBD at work and was disappointed she couldn't dress up as Tinker Bell but wore a green dress to work, telling our son that she was going as "professional Tinker Bell". Yes, I married that one. :rotfl: When I'm at school, keeping my mind occupied I don't think about all the problems I have and really enjoy my time there. Every day is different and the conversations and conclusions we arrive at in a learning environment never fails to amaze and sometimes amuse me. That's one of my selfish reasons for wanting to teach.

Red-Squirrel_2

AlexLK wrote: »

I have tried that in the past and it was awful.

Its not an easy process, but a lot of people find that if they have the right counsellor and they stick with it through the tough stuff they can come out the other side feeling a lot happier and a lot more empowered, with certain weights lifted off their shoulders.

I think it would probably be a bit much at the same time as your marriage counselling and I would focus on that for now, but it may well be worth thinking about again at some point down the line.

AlexLK

March Targets:

:eek: It's March, already.
Total Grocery Spend: £10/>£450. Managed to meet the >£500, so challenging myself this month.
Surplus Money: £0/£750. Between my wife and I. Will go towards renovations and perhaps an overpayment. Have talked to her about potentially not overpaying anything and putting all surplus towards the work on the house as someone suggested on here. She seems to think this may be the way forward.
Going to bed at a reasonable time: 1/31.
Meditation:2/31. Will keep trying at nighttime to see if this can become a good sleep habit.
One new recipe per week: 0/4. Doing the weekly food plan tomorrow, so will be looking at something new.
Read three books: 0/3.
3 Things for Friday: 1. Keep myself busy during the daytime.; 2. Try to distract myself / or meditate if I am feeling negative (apparently works for my wife getting angry about things).; 3. Respond to an email I have been avoiding.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

That's exactly the point of an allowance. You agree to an amount that works for each of you (to have your own allowances! even you!) and you stick to those amounts guilt-free. If MrsK wants to go on a spending spree, she can, provided she's not exceeding the agreed-upon amount. If you want to buy a classic car with yours, you can. (To your point about them being investments, that's fine - you just give yourself back that allowance amount when you sell the car on.)

It's all about balance. It's great that you're saving money, not eating out, choosing not to spend, etc. but it's not sustainable long-term. At some point you'll want a special meal out. At some point MrsK will need more clothes. If you start now when you're choosing to be frugal, it's built-in when either/both of you decide you want a treat.

FWIW I picked a random number (I think £500/mo?) based on the classic car factor, your allowances could be £50/mo, or £5/mo. It's just something that you can spend guilt-free so that you don't have to worry so much about not being allowed any extra money for fear you'll go nuts spending it. You have a limit on what you can spend on a whim, thus it shouldn't matter what other money you make/have on hand.

Going to be having quite a few conversations with my wife about our finances. We both want to draw a line under the old and start with something new that will hopefully work for us. I am going to suggest the allowance idea but not as Mrs K and I each have an amount to spend. I'm going to suggest we have a cars allowance, an eating out allowance, a clothes allowance etc. based on our joint income. For years we only had joint finances and until my wife got angry and decided she wanted to keep her money, it worked. Albeit in a budget free, spend whatever you like kind of way. However, cutting a long story very short, during counselling my wife said she wanted to have completely joint finances again if we did start again.

Fortunately, we both like the cars and both enjoy them. I couldn't be in a wife forces sale relationship. I understand the money must come from somewhere but would like that to be more a joint saving we both choose to make.

AlexLK

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Its not an easy process, but a lot of people find that if they have the right counsellor and they stick with it through the tough stuff they can come out the other side feeling a lot happier and a lot more empowered, with certain weights lifted off their shoulders.

I think it would probably be a bit much at the same time as your marriage counselling and I would focus on that for now, but it may well be worth thinking about again at some point down the line.

We certainly wish to focus on the marriage for now. I don't think I stuck with it for long enough or was willing to face certain things when I went through the process before.

Anyhow, bedtime for me. :A

newgirly

Hi Alex, glad the counselling went well

Having savings pots for the cars and entertainment etc. is a good idea but I would highly recommend separate allowances, it cuts a clear line then - I need a new pair of shoes could be a pair of £2 flip flops or £0000's on designer heels!
You can properly make joint plans over where all your money goes if you've budgetted the same amount monthly for you both. Setting clear boundaries might be a different way of doing things but perhaps it's time to try it, it will hopefully make it feel more like your 'family' money rather than your wife's wages. It worked for me when I was a sahm and still does now.

-taff

AlexLK wrote: »

When I'm at school, keeping my mind occupied I don't think about all the problems I have and really enjoy my time there

Huzzah!
When I was not happy, I found doing things kept my mind off things, and gradually, I discovered they weren't as important as I thought they were.
Your way might well result in you having the same experience ... i hope so

maman

I agree with newgirly. I'd have separate budgets for things like holidays, cars, renovations, repayments whatever but have a set allowance each for personal spending. You don't have to spend it if you don't want to, you can save up for something big or just keep saving it.


An alternative is to just live frugally and save all spare cash so that you have a joint pot to use for all the household/family spending above. I'd still have the allowance though as frugality can get a bit wearing at times and everyone needs a treat.


On an allied point, does LittleK have pocket money? It's a good idea to introduce that at some point so he can learn the value of money and make decisions whether to save or spend.


I take it from the 'own bed' reference that you're now back in your family home??

daisy_1571

Hi Alex

Along with the meditation that you are doing it would be nice to think you can gently shift your thoughts away from the spiral towards the gloomy thoughts all the time. Think instead about the good things in life in a positive way rather than somehow making it seem like a bad thing with your constant "perhaps I only do these lovely things for other people because I enjoy them and get pleasure from it, what a terrible person I am". Perhaps you do them because they are the right thing to do, you enjoy them (that is allowed you know) and it has a good effect in the world ?

As one of your 3 things that you think about each night to help calm your thoughts perhaps you could occasionally add something like "I really enjoyed teaching xx about yy today" or " I loved spending time with littleK doing baking".

Use these thoughts as lovely, warm, comforting little nuggets to get as much pleasure from remembering them as from doing them. Then you could start trying to get pleasure from anticipating the moments still to come tomorrow or next week etc. That way you get to enjoy nice things at least 3 times.

You are doing well Alex, keep it up and gradually, instead of bringing your own mood down, you will hopefully find you can lift your mood. Baby steps and all that.

Daisy

AlexLK

March Targets:

Total Grocery Spend: £12/>£450.
Surplus Money: £0/£750.
Going to bed at a reasonable time: 2/31. Will be going to bed after writing this, so hoping for a third night.
Meditation:3/31.
One new recipe per week: 0/4. Didn't plan food today, will need to do this over the weekend.
Read three books: 0/3.
3 Things for Saturday: 1. Have an hour of doing something relaxing, 2. Try to distract myself / meditate if feeling negative, 3. Tie up a few loose ends (business).

Friday recap: 1. Keep myself busy during the daytime. Managed this. ; 2. Try to distract myself / or meditate if I am feeling negative. Didn't really happen this afternoon after dealing with my parents. ; 3. Respond to an email I have been avoiding. Done.

newgirly wrote: »

Hi Alex, glad the counselling went well

Having savings pots for the cars and entertainment etc. is a good idea but I would highly recommend separate allowances, it cuts a clear line then - I need a new pair of shoes could be a pair of £2 flip flops or £0000's on designer heels!
You can properly make joint plans over where all your money goes if you've budgetted the same amount monthly for you both. Setting clear boundaries might be a different way of doing things but perhaps it's time to try it, it will hopefully make it feel more like your 'family' money rather than your wife's wages. It worked for me when I was a sahm and still does now.

The counselling is going really well at the moment.

Thank you for the advice re. finances. My wife and I are yet to work out what we're going to do but will certainly discuss this idea.

-taff wrote: »

Huzzah!
When I was not happy, I found doing things kept my mind off things, and gradually, I discovered they weren't as important as I thought they were.
Your way might well result in you having the same experience ... i hope so

I've tried keeping busy as a distraction in the past and it has worked. Just consistently keeping busy is sometimes difficult when it takes self motivation which I have little of if I am in a negative mindset. Won't have this problem from September as I won't have any other choice than to keep myself busy.

maman wrote: »

I agree with newgirly. I'd have separate budgets for things like holidays, cars, renovations, repayments whatever but have a set allowance each for personal spending. You don't have to spend it if you don't want to, you can save up for something big or just keep saving it.

An alternative is to just live frugally and save all spare cash so that you have a joint pot to use for all the household/family spending above. I'd still have the allowance though as frugality can get a bit wearing at times and everyone needs a treat.

On an allied point, does LittleK have pocket money? It's a good idea to introduce that at some point so he can learn the value of money and make decisions whether to save or spend.

I take it from the 'own bed' reference that you're now back in your family home??

Thanks. I am going to discuss the options with my wife. I think we need to draw up some different ideas / plans, talk about each one and then individually have a think about it before discussing again and working something out.

My son doesn't have pocket money but has earned the odd £25 from my cousin by helping them out. I'm not really sure when I should introduce him to having a little money of his own, to do with as he wishes.

I went back on Wednesday. Wasn't really intentional. After counselling, we had dinner there with our son and spent some time playing music. Son's bedtime came and we like to keep that consistent, he was tired so we stayed. Thursday I wanted to stay and my son wanted to be home. He seems happier here.

AlexLK

daisy_1571 wrote: »

Hi Alex

Along with the meditation that you are doing it would be nice to think you can gently shift your thoughts away from the spiral towards the gloomy thoughts all the time. Think instead about the good things in life in a positive way rather than somehow making it seem like a bad thing with your constant "perhaps I only do these lovely things for other people because I enjoy them and get pleasure from it, what a terrible person I am". Perhaps you do them because they are the right thing to do, you enjoy them (that is allowed you know) and it has a good effect in the world ?

As one of your 3 things that you think about each night to help calm your thoughts perhaps you could occasionally add something like "I really enjoyed teaching xx about yy today" or " I loved spending time with littleK doing baking".

Use these thoughts as lovely, warm, comforting little nuggets to get as much pleasure from remembering them as from doing them. Then you could start trying to get pleasure from anticipating the moments still to come tomorrow or next week etc. That way you get to enjoy nice things at least 3 times.

You are doing well Alex, keep it up and gradually, instead of bringing your own mood down, you will hopefully find you can lift your mood. Baby steps and all that.

Daisy

Hi Daisy,

Thank you.

Shifting away from the spiral of negative thoughts about myself is very difficult as I found this afternoon. Once they start, I seem to be powerless to it, do not think about the meditation or trying to swap a negative thought for a more positive one (remember something similar from CBT therapy).

I feel very guilty for doing a lot of the things I do as I wonder if partly I volunteer / spend extra time with pupils working on concepts they struggle with / make extra resources / put a lot of effort into parenting to try to make me feel better about myself rather than because I am a "good" person. Not sure how long I can carry the weight of the past, nor do I think it is helping me or my family, really.

Going to be sensible and go to bed now. Calling before midnight reasonable.