Renovations and Repayments.

AlexLK

-taff wrote: »

You've spent years feeling a failure because you haven't made as much money as your parents. So what, money didn't bring you or them happiness. In fact, them trying to make it, brought you the opposite.

You don't want your child to grow up like you did.

At the same time, you want your child to have what you had, i.e. live in a big house with lots of rooms, not feel he has to work for a living and be provided for no matter what.

You've basically summed it up. Not sure how I can stop the guilt over not being the one to provide my son with the above.

-taff wrote: »

Your parents money is a cushion in case things go wrong, you never had to worry about getting it totally wrong because they would always have been there to fall back on.

Your wife didn't have that so she made her own way. She wants you to be the same i.e. independent, as she is.

As your son gets older, you're realising you'll be left to your own devices before long, because time flies, he'll grow up and stop being the pleasant boy he is at some point.

Before that happens, you have to decide whether you will have something for yourself when he has grown, like teaching, or whether you'll be going back to the fold and meekly run your parents business and do what they tell you.

You have done really well at a lot of things that are more important than money. You had a home, even if you didn't think it was, you have a wife, a son, and a family. You got into debt, you paid it off, you needed work, you made it out of your hobbies, you found a vocation, teaching.

I think a lot of your trouble is that you spend far too much time thinking about what could go wrong and fixating on minor issues, while missing the great big rock about to fall on you.

I think you're right about my wife but I've shown myself to not be capable of being independent. Therefore, I'm not going to fulfil that wish.

My son is growing up and becoming more independent, seemingly all the time. This will make me seem even more pathetic than I likely already do (if that is possible) but I read something online about last times doing things as parents, every time I think about it I can't hold back the tears because I'm so concerned if he will have a happy life and also what will happen to me. The self respect I've managed to build is all based around being the parent of a young child but I don't think I deserve something for myself and am guilty for wanting something.

The things you list as my doing well at, every one apart from my wife and son I am ashamed of.

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Oh dear this doesn't sound good, do you need to get to the GP and get a bit of help with how low you're feeling.

Success is nothing to do with money, absolutely zip, nada, no relation at all. If you could only realise this and mentally disconnect the idea of money with the idea of your own worth, you'd instantly feel a million times better about almost everything. I really really wish I could wave a magic wand and just undo those links in your brain for you!

If it persists I will go to the GP. I'm no stranger there. My wife came over until 11pm this evening and I'm feeling a bit better. Wish I could delete some of the posts I made earlier now.

kelpie35 wrote: »

Alex please stop thinking of the past and look to the future.

You have so many great qualities.

Does your son want to move back home and for you all to be a family again?

I am struggling to look to the future at the moment because I don't know what it holds for me. I don't want to end up divorced.

My son wants to go back, yes.

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

Clearly, my parents have succeeded where I have not. I can't sacrifice my time with my son or time for having fun to work 7 days per week. I've tried to be a success and earn a good income for myself. It was a contributing factor that made me very ill. I think I may have found something that I want to do with my life (teaching) but that isn't going to help me financially. Apparently, I need to "finally grow up", "get off my backside" and worship my wife for her ability to do well in her career.

My son's upbringing is very different to mine and better for that, in my opinion but it would apparently be better for me to be working all the time like my parents did than be able to spend time with him. Perhaps those who think my son would be better for me working the type of hours my parents worked think I ought introduce corporal punishment into his world too.

You and your wife could live very comfortably on her salary and yours from teaching. It'll be a struggle while you qualify but after that you could work part time, if necessary, until LittleK is independent enough to have limited time himself except for weekends and holidays.

I don't think LittleK is ashamed of his home. I thought he wanted to move back. If it worries you get on with the renovations.

It seems all your parents have succeeded at is making money. I'm not denying that's an achievement but you've achieved too. You're a very good dad, a caring husband and you have the aptitude and enthusiasm to be a good teacher. You need to believe it!! :A

SingleSue

AlexLK wrote: »

It's not just money. In some ways I wish I wasn't married or a parent, it would be easier to end it. There's no way out as a parent because I don't want to mess my son's life up.



I don't know what direction my life is heading in and I'm concerned my son will grow up with divorced parents. I can't cope.

These comments really concern me Alex.

As a fellow mental health sufferer, these are warning sentences and need to be followed up, please please speak to your GP about how you are feeling.

I've been there and had those thoughts, it was not a nice place to be at all.

Re having divorced parents, that was my biggest worry when my marriage was breaking down but it has actually been the best thing that could have happened to them mentally (and physically as I found out later! :eek:). They have gone from having all kinds of self esteem and confidence issues and confusion due to different parenting techniques to being 3 very confident and assured young adults.

AlexLK

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

If you really weren't a very nice person, you wouldn't care about them, it wouldn't be on your mind, you wouldn't regret it.

Realising that you've treated people badly, caring that you have, then making amends and doing things differently next time. Those aren't the actions of a bad person, those are the actions of a decent but imperfect human being. I think that's what most of us are.

This half term my in-laws said something similar to me. We've had a lot of differences in the past, still do really. Wish I could go back and not say a lot of things I said to them in the past.

I suppose my father telling me he didn't want to lose his memories because he doesn't want to make the mistake of thinking he is a good man has played on my mind a lot. I deserve to have many of my bad memories.

SingleSue

Going to say this from the heart but excuse ramblings, having brain fog issues at present which makes posting a little disordered and at times, confusing.

Pre divorce we had a nice life, nice holidays to lovely places, latest technology, meals out....living the good life.

Were we happy? On the outside we put on this facade of a happy family but in reality, we were living with a very controlling, angry man. I wasn't happy, the children were not happy. Ok, we had a nice home, a comfortable lifestyle but that isn't everything.

Post divorce, the first holiday I took the boys on was to a static caravan that my parents had been able to organise with friends of theirs. We had £60 a week spending money and that had to cover all of our food, outings and fuel for the car (we used to spend that in one night before!).

That holiday, despite being very tight for money was one of the best holidays ever, we lazed by the pool getting free jugs of water from the bar, we still went over to the club for the entertainment but instead of buying drinks, we again took the free jugs of water on offer. For days out, we would go to the beach, swim, make sandcastles or just take a walk along the cliff tops, or by the riverside. For food, I got creative with the value range but we still ate well and because of that, there was still a little left over for the all important ice cream on the beach for all of us (well maybe a shared ice cream or two).

Children don't need money to make them feel secure and loved, all they need is the love and attention from their parents.

Re education - Even if things do go wrong, it is still possible to come back from it even at a later age. Youngest was badly let down in his state high school and consequently, his GCSE results were not the best. A move to an outstanding college in the area has made all the difference though and despite his very dodgy background (didn't go full time until he was 11, poor attendance due to illness and disability and of course the failings of his high school), he is now the top student in his year, sitting on a unconditional offer for an integrated masters and impressing an RG uni so much with his out of college projects and in college grade predictions that they responded to him 2 hours and 40 minutes after his application was received!

-taff

AlexLK wrote: »

The things you list as my doing well at, every one apart from my wife and son I am ashamed of..

That's your perception.

My perception, and the perception of a lot of people who respond to your posts is that you are bogged down by the idea of your parents house/business/expectations, and yet you have still managed to triumph over adversity.

Sometimes, it's easier to blame ourselves for things that have happened than to accept we make mistakes, forgive ourselves for them, vow not to make the same ones again and take the path least travelled by.

AlexLK

My son isn't ashamed of the house, he likes it there.

The teaching switches off my spiral of doom. I suppose it's one of those things that doesn't allow you to think about anything other than the task at hand. Probably not a good way to pick a career. Got my other voluntary school to go to soon, will see how the children are getting on with reading after the half term. Wondering if sports car boy will still be motivated.

Counselling this evening. My wife is finishing work early for it and son is going riding. I don't think it's going particularly well at the moment, she is very upset every time. At least we'll have dinner together this evening.

Worked out that if I don't save anymore we have £325 for overpayment and £325 for renovation work. Years total so far is £575 overpayment, £575 renovations. Don't know why I care about this but I do.

kelpie35

Worked out that if I don't save anymore we have £325 for overpayment and £325 for renovation work. Years total so far is £575 overpayment, £575 renovations. Don't know why I care about this but I do.

Because you and LK are going to move back home and get on with all the decluttering and renovations hopefully.

Hope the counselling goes well tonight and you enjoy your time together.

heartbreak_star

Alex, you are a fantastic person who mentally trips over things. It makes you human, not a bad person

For what it's worth? I think you're going to be an amazing teacher, I wish you could teach me (I had ability but no interest in music at middle school haha!)

Sending hugs. I hope tonight goes well.

HBS x

Suffolk_lass

AlexLK wrote: »

I'm not particularly positive or bright at the moment because I don't know if I'm going to remain married to my wife or not. Not sure what else to say.

If going to a state school affects my son's mental well-being doors will be closed for him. That's ultimately my concern.

I'm not surprised if you are not feeling very positive or bright at the moment and to be honest, I don't think the tone of some of the posts on here is helping, aside from your marital state of flux. You love your wife Alex. She loves you. Why are you waiting for another 6 weeks until Easter?

On the subject of state versus private schooling, we experienced both with our Son. He really struggled to move from private to state and was persistently bullied when he changed schools. A good state school is great. Stick with it until it no longer works for you, in my view. We did not have that choice. Our local infant and primary was not good and had a higher ratio of special educational needs children than the normal numbers expected. That is why we sent him privately. We sacrificed things to afford it and would have continued to do so from 11 & 12 had we been in a financial position to continue. We were not.

Top up his schooling with extra tuition rather than take him out of state as a compromise, and as you say, keep him happy. If he has friends, encourage it (I think you said that is where he is tonight). Our Son struggled when we moved away from his friends - they are a great help and support and will contribute to his MH, wellbeing and health. It is the stability at home that is the biggest contributing factor - you know that.

I like what was said about deciding every day what you will do - stay or go - you can apply that to smiling and being a bit happier and writing three positive things each evening that you will try to be/do/achieve/think about/decide the following day. I am still amazed how much smiling and saying good morning to people helps!

You are coping, just in a different way to many of us on here.

SL