Renovations and Repayments.

kelpie35

Alex you need to go back and read your posts from a couple of months ago.

You were much more positive then, what has changed?

I think you need to stop looking back on the things you think you have failed in.

You have so much to be looking forward to.

Why don't you just concentrate on looking after your son and wife. Get back home, then tackle all the renovations that need done.

You have the ability to do all this if you put your mind to it.

Let your parents get on with their lives and if they need help allow carers to come in to do the job.

Your MH is much more important than any money.

So pleased to hear that LK is out to tea with friends, now you need to go on a date night with Mrs K.

Take care

LadyGnome

AlexLK wrote: »

My parents are better than I, it's not something I deny. All I want is to be able to give my son the things he needs to be happy in life.

Alex, did your parents give you what you needed to be happy in life? You are fixated on giving your son the childhood you had but was it really such a good childhood. Yes, you had a big house to rattle around in and grounds to play in but did you have friendship, time and attention?
I think you are giving your son a much better childhood than yours because what children really need is a nuturing environment.

AlexLK

maman wrote: »

:wall::wall::wall:

Where did that come from?? I didn't say they were better than you, you just took that to be the case because they've made lots of money. That doesn't make them better, just richer.

You're using the same reasoning to draw the conclusion that it'll be 'things' that will make your son happy.

Your parents' money may have paid for 'things' for you but it's having a massively adverse effect on your life. It's not called the root of all evil for nothing.:(

Hopefully LittleK is having a great time at his friend's home and that he won't come back with a taste for McDonalds or Pot Noodle or......:rotfl:

:rotfl: He should be back any moment so I'll find out.

It's not just money. In some ways I wish I wasn't married or a parent, it would be easier to end it. There's no way out as a parent because I don't want to mess my son's life up.

Clearly, my parents have succeeded where I have not. I can't sacrifice my time with my son or time for having fun to work 7 days per week. I've tried to be a success and earn a good income for myself. It was a contributing factor that made me very ill. I think I may have found something that I want to do with my life (teaching) but that isn't going to help me financially. Apparently, I need to "finally grow up", "get off my backside" and worship my wife for her ability to do well in her career.

My son's upbringing is very different to mine and better for that, in my opinion but it would apparently be better for me to be working all the time like my parents did than be able to spend time with him. Perhaps those who think my son would be better for me working the type of hours my parents worked think I ought introduce corporal punishment into his world too.

kelpie35 wrote: »

Alex you need to go back and read your posts from a couple of months ago.

You were much more positive then, what has changed?

I think you need to stop looking back on the things you think you have failed in.

You have so much to be looking forward to.

Why don't you just concentrate on looking after your son and wife. Get back home, then tackle all the renovations that need done.

You have the ability to do all this if you put your mind to it.

Let your parents get on with their lives and if they need help allow carers to come in to do the job.

Your MH is much more important than any money.

So pleased to hear that LK is out to tea with friends, now you need to go on a date night with Mrs K.

Take care

I don't know what direction my life is heading in and I'm concerned my son will grow up with divorced parents. I can't cope.

Red-Squirrel_2

AlexLK wrote: »

If going to a state school affects my son's mental well-being doors will be closed for him. That's ultimately my concern.

Why would it? The vast, vast majority of people in this country go to/went to state schools. To be honest, I think a private school environment would be more likely to be a danger to mental health, high pressure, often single sex, limited diversity among peer group leading to difficulties relating to others when they leave and have to manage in (sorry!) the real world.

Red-Squirrel_2

AlexLK wrote: »

My parents are better than I, it's not something I deny. All I want is to be able to give my son the things he needs to be happy in life.

Woah woah woah woah woah!!

No, they are not! For one thing you care a great deal about your son's happiness and his mental health, you want him to be happy and healthy more than you want him to be wealthy and more than you want him to please you. Is that true of your parents in their relationship with you?

You aren't perfect by a long way Alex, but then nobody is! You at least are trying your very best to be a good person, and that's what really counts.

-taff

AlexLK wrote: »

Apparently, I need to "finally grow up", "get off my backside" and worship my wife for her ability to do well in her career.

You've spent years feeling a failure because you haven't made as much money as your parents. So what, money didn't bring you or them happiness. In fact, them trying to make it, brought you the opposite.

You don't want your child to grow up like you did.

At the same time, you want your child to have what you had, i.e. live in a big house with lots of rooms, not feel he has to work for a living and be provided for no matter what.

Your parents money is a cushion in case things go wrong, you never had to worry about getting it totally wrong because they would always have been there to fall back on.

Your wife didn't have that so she made her own way. She wants you to be the same i.e. independent, as she is.

As your son gets older, you're realising you'll be left to your own devices before long, because time flies, he'll grow up and stop being the pleasant boy he is at some point.

Before that happens, you have to decide whether you will have something for yourself when he has grown, like teaching, or whether you'll be going back to the fold and meekly run your parents business and do what they tell you.

You have done really well at a lot of things that are more important than money. You had a home, even if you didn't think it was, you have a wife, a son, and a family. You got into debt, you paid it off, you needed work, you made it out of your hobbies, you found a vocation, teaching.

I think a lot of your trouble is that you spend far too much time thinking about what could go wrong and fixating on minor issues, while missing the great big rock about to fall on you.

Red-Squirrel_2

AlexLK wrote: »

:rotfl: He should be back any moment so I'll find out.

It's not just money. In some ways I wish I wasn't married or a parent, it would be easier to end it.

I've tried to be a success and earn a good income for myself.

Oh dear this doesn't sound good, do you need to get to the GP and get a bit of help with how low you're feeling.

Success is nothing to do with money, absolutely zip, nada, no relation at all. If you could only realise this and mentally disconnect the idea of money with the idea of your own worth, you'd instantly feel a million times better about almost everything. I really really wish I could wave a magic wand and just undo those links in your brain for you!

kelpie35

Alex please stop thinking of the past and look to the future.

You have so many great qualities.

Does your son want to move back home and for you all to be a family again?

AlexLK

Targets:
Total Grocery Spend: £430/>£500. Using up things to stop this from going over target at the moment. :rotfl:
Savings: £150/£250. Managed to add another £20 today.
Keep track of and replying to communications: Still keeping track, still replying but have avoided two things I should have dealt with today.
Updating spreadsheet: Updated savings.
Going to bed at a reasonable time: 9/28. Didn't stay asleep, though.
One new recipe per week: 3/4.

LadyGnome wrote: »

Alex, did your parents give you what you needed to be happy in life? You are fixated on giving your son the childhood you had but was it really such a good childhood. Yes, you had a big house to rattle around in and grounds to play in but did you have friendship, time and attention?
I think you are giving your son a much better childhood than yours because what children really need is a nuturing environment.

I enjoyed school and was happy there. My son has struggled to settle into school but seems to be getting there now. I want him to enjoy school like I did and have a home to be proud rather than ashamed of.

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Why would it? The vast, vast majority of people in this country go to/went to state schools. To be honest, I think a private school environment would be more likely to be a danger to mental health, high pressure, often single sex, limited diversity among peer group leading to difficulties relating to others when they leave and have to manage in (sorry!) the real world.

I'm concerned about him settling and about him having to go to senior school at 11 if he states with the state system.

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Woah woah woah woah woah!!

No, they are not! For one thing you care a great deal about your son's happiness and his mental health, you want him to be happy and healthy more than you want him to be wealthy and more than you want him to please you. Is that true of your parents in their relationship with you?

You aren't perfect by a long way Alex, but then nobody is! You at least are trying your very best to be a good person, and that's what really counts.

I'll try almost anything to be a good parent. My parents would try anything to fulfil their own ambitions. Them against the rest of the world, including me a lot of the time.

Thanks, I do try my best even though it's not really good enough. I suppose inherently I'm not a very nice person. Have some regrets about how I treated a few people today, dismissing their concerns because I couldn't deal with it.

Red-Squirrel_2

AlexLK wrote: »

Thanks, I do try my best even though it's not really good enough. I suppose inherently I'm not a very nice person. Have some regrets about how I treated a few people today, dismissing their concerns because I couldn't deal with it.

If you really weren't a very nice person, you wouldn't care about them, it wouldn't be on your mind, you wouldn't regret it.

Realising that you've treated people badly, caring that you have, then making amends and doing things differently next time. Those aren't the actions of a bad person, those are the actions of a decent but imperfect human being. I think that's what most of us are.