Renovations and Repayments.

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

Yes. Mind, he used to call me to go there. Once it was an "emergency" ... to talk about a numberplate on a car he owned well before I was born. :rotfl:

He specifically wants to talk to me as he recognises that he is upsetting my mother with some of the things he says and won't say anything to a stranger.

I understand that but if you weren't there he wouldn't be able to. I think you need a compromise. Perhaps have a coffee with him and allow 30 minutes or so but not huge chunks of your day.

AlexLK wrote: »

My wife thinks we do well financially and is happy with where she is income-wise. The other day she said we'd be fine if she earned what she does currently and I earned a teacher's salary but never inherited or had any other income. She realises how little teachers earn, too. Whereas, there's a part of me that wants to take ridiculous amounts from the business to fund a lifestyle but I won't as it's ultimately money that will be passed through my family and ensure future generations don't fall into poverty.

And she's right. By the standards of the vast majority of the population you are doing very well. Your problem is that you were brought up as the rich kid in the big house with all the trappings that go with that. That's not your fault but you want to replicate it for your son (despite all the angst it's caused you) and probably enjoy it for yourself too. The reality is that you can't afford it without living off your parents to some extent, something you're prepared to do but MrsK (very understandably IMO) isn't.


If I didn't know where you were coming from Alex, I'd find your definition of poverty laughable if not offensive to those who genuinely live in poverty.

AlexLK

Targets:
Total Grocery Spend: £415/>£500.
Savings: £60/£250. My wife has saved £500 again.
Keep track of and replying to communications: All good so far.
Updating spreadsheet: Done it today.
Going to bed at a reasonable time: 7/28. Should get an early night tonight too as I've told my father it's a school night and I can't stay up. Also not had a drink tonight for the first time since my parents got back from Spain. No wine at lunch, either.
One new recipe per week: 2/4.

kelpie35 wrote: »

Other things don't get done. It's the main reason I'm not managing to make any extra money for savings and haven't been online (that's probably not a bad thing, though ). I have let down a couple of pupils because he usually talks to me when my son goes to bed and only stops at about 1am. After lunch he expects me to stay in the dining hall whilst my son walks the dogs with my mother. Only "got away" this evening because I wasn't feeling well and have decided to take the computer to my bedroom rather than wait for him to come to the drawing room and be up until 1am drinking.

Oh Alex this is causing me to have alarm bells ringing.

I know your parents are elderly but you have a family of your own now. They need to come first.

Can I ask you a question please. If you did not have your parents home to stay in at the moment, would you be back staying in your own home with your wife and son?

I know that things have been difficult between you and Mrs K and that, at times, her behavior has not been appropriate, but that is what you and her need to be working on.

You are 6 months or so away from carving out a new career for yourself. A career that you could excel in, which would make you feel fulfilled and in return make your life much happier.. If you continue to live the way you are at the moment you will not be able to cope.

I know that you have been brought up in a world completely different to mine, but deep down you are just a nice young man, who is a caring dad, caring husband and caring son. Please think carefully about YOUR future.


Take care

Thank you.

I'd likely be at the other house, yes.

I'm dreading starting the course at the moment, to be honest. Whilst I do still really want to do it and am going to give it my best attempt, I can't really see how I'm going to be able to make it work at the moment. I suppose I am also anxious about the potential of starting a new career (last one didn't end well, the business I started after I could have done things a lot better than I did), I want to make it work but don't know if I have the ability to deal with it. The self doubt is not a nice position to be in, to be honest.

choccielover wrote: »

So let me see if I have his right,

You aren't taking a "proper" salary from what you do with your parents business so that you can keep the money in the "Alexs parents" business to hand down, leaving the burden of providing for what your family needs in the here and now to fall to Mrs K. You complain about the home you bought together and share and how you haven't got enough money to find improving it, whilst the money you should be earning stays in this family business and is presumably funding the running of "the big house" not to mention the place in Spain, the purchase of 3 brand new cars (one of which has gone on ice till yoir sone can drive) as well as various other things.

Whilst I recognise Mrs K hasn't exactly covered herself in glory lately Alex I think you do her a huge injustice.

I applaud your efforts to want to be a teacher, but then you seem incapable of the realities of the world. Not everyone has a safety cushion of a future inheritance and the fact you can only afford to be a teacher and stay living in the manner in which you do (at the big house or at your own home) is because you live off the means someone else provides. If having a £500k home is so important to you and is the only thing you can possibly bring yourself to consider suitable for a man or your tastes then get off your backside and learn a skill that will pay you the appropriate salary so you can afford it. Contribute fairly to the relationship financially instead of being derogatory about what Mrs k does earn because from where I'm standing she doing a damn sight better than you are

I don't take a "proper" salary: 1. because I want to take as little as possible for some of the reasons you outlined and 2. because I don't really trust myself to do the right thing with surplus cash. If we all lived here and the other house was brought up to date and sold, there'd be no mortgage, no work to be done and as living costs would be much less for my wife and I we could send our son to a good school from our own earnings.

So far as my wife is concerned, I have not made any derogatory remarks about her income. In fact, I'd be the first to admit she has done better for herself in life than I.

smallholdingsister wrote: »

Alex I agree that Mrs K is not entitled to behave like a single 18 year old.

Also I realise you are being challenged a LOT here. It is all well meaning though.

If you do a little research you will find that endlessly absorbing your Father's angst will damage your MH and do nothing beneficial for him.

Also staying up super late and being less productive as a result will also have a negative impact on your MH.

Finally, if you could do the work on your marital home more easily without living there, then borrow/rent a caravan and put your furniture in storage, but live as a family if you want to KEEP your family.

I know it is damaging my MH, things are starting to go downhill for me again. However, my mother is really upset, so I don't really want her to be the only one to listen to father. She is also putting him under a lot of pressure (giving him daily memory tests / mental arithmetic tests for about 2 hours per day) as they are both concerned about his memory.

AlexLK

Suffolk_lass wrote: »

Well said SHS.

Alex, it feels to me as though your original purpose in moving to your parents house has been superseded by their needs. I think what people are trying to say to you is that you need to step back, be clear what your priorities are, and then resolve the problem areas, not be deflected on to another pile of issues.

From what you are saying, you perhaps did not realise your father's change of focus (suggests progressive mental failing, for whatever reason) until you moved in to stay there while making space to evaluate your marriage. Now you are supporting your parents (family loyalty, sense of guilt, love and care and everything else) to the possible detriment of your marriage and family life.

You said you love your wife. You have not said much about her on here since she went away for a week on business. At that point it felt as though it was a "test" to see if she kept in contact with you. It feels as though you need to look at how you have changed since you moved to your parents' and question whether your marriage and family life are still your priority. Be careful that your separation does not quickly become permanent if you do not pay appropriate attention.

If it does, it must be a conscious decision, based on your priorities, not a sub-conscious outcome.

SL

Thanks, SL.

I'm still here for the moment because I've a decision to make re. my marriage. I haven't yet come to a decision about whether I want to remain married or not.

My wife stayed in touch and she still comes for dinner and lunch on Sunday. She stayed for a couple of nights when my parents were in Spain and has read to my son some nights. I love her dearly but don't know if she's setting me up.

maman wrote: »

I understand that but if you weren't there he wouldn't be able to. I think you need a compromise. Perhaps have a coffee with him and allow 30 minutes or so but not huge chunks of your day.

And she's right. By the standards of the vast majority of the population you are doing very well. Your problem is that you were brought up as the rich kid in the big house with all the trappings that go with that. That's not your fault but you want to replicate it for your son (despite all the angst it's caused you) and probably enjoy it for yourself too. The reality is that you can't afford it without living off your parents to some extent, something you're prepared to do but MrsK (very understandably IMO) isn't.

If I didn't know where you were coming from Alex, I'd find your definition of poverty laughable if not offensive to those who genuinely live in poverty.

If I wasn't here, he'd call me. I am concerned he will call me at school when I'm doing the course / teaching job. I don't want to allow huge chunks of my day to be taken with him talking to me about the past. Today I was taken back to his teenage years and why he made the decisions he did, he was asking me if I thought them good decisions. I tried to be noncommittal and tell him that he did what he needed to and thought was right for him at the time but that isn't a good enough answer for my father.

I'm sure no parent wants less for their child than they had?

cazmanian_minx

AlexLK wrote: »

I'm sure no parent wants less for their child than they had?

If it's what makes the child happy, then why not? Many of the ultra rich are now saying to their kids they have to stand on their own two feet and most of the family money is being given to philanthropic causes. Peter Jones (as in Dragons' Den) has what I think is an excellent system - he's set up performance-related trust funds for his five kids. So if they go out and earn money, the trusts match it. If they do something socially useful but historically low-paid, such as train to be a nurse or a social worker or a teacher, the trusts quadruple what they earn.

newgirly

I just started writing a big long post and then deleted it as it's quicker to shorten it to :

Are you going to spend your life living in yours and and your parents past, or are you going to move on and make a fresh start (with or without your wife) ?

Why can't you get over the fact you will never be as financially independently successful as your parents, why are you worried what they think?

Why is your son having even more money than you important?


Sorry it's blunt, but I feel a bit :wall: sometimes Alex.


Ps well said cazmanian minx

Suffolk_lass

AlexLK wrote: »

Thanks, SL.

I'm still here for the moment because I've a decision to make re. my marriage. I haven't yet come to a decision about whether I want to remain married or not.

My wife stayed in touch and she still comes for dinner and lunch on Sunday. She stayed for a couple of nights when my parents were in Spain and has read to my son some nights. I love her dearly but don't know if she's setting me up.

When I originally told you about my circumstances, I explained that it happened before the separation had become the established way and in a time period that allowed us to live together again. Be careful Alex, it is two months plus and your priorities are your parents and not your marriage, based on what you are writing.

You will never know if your wife is setting you up if you do not try again. You talk about loving her very much. You also talk about not wanting to regret decisions.

If you miss out on this most important decision because you are prevaricating, you will, most certainly regret it - if not for the outcome, for the lack of conscious decision about what happens next.

The clock is ticking Alex.

SL

AlexLK

Son has decided to get up and ready, eat breakfast and have some spare time to play piano. Quite impressed by the dedication, to be honest.

cazmanian_minx wrote: »

If it's what makes the child happy, then why not? Many of the ultra rich are now saying to their kids they have to stand on their own two feet and most of the family money is being given to philanthropic causes. Peter Jones (as in Dragons' Den) has what I think is an excellent system - he's set up performance-related trust funds for his five kids. So if they go out and earn money, the trusts match it. If they do something socially useful but historically low-paid, such as train to be a nurse or a social worker or a teacher, the trusts quadruple what they earn.

I just want my son to be happy and also to be fulfilled in adulthood. I realise and can understand why some may do that but my parents did nothing but work before retirement because they didn't want that for future generations.

newgirly wrote: »

I just started writing a big long post and then deleted it as it's quicker to shorten it to :

Are you going to spend your life living in yours and and your parents past, or are you going to move on and make a fresh start (with or without your wife) ?

Why can't you get over the fact you will never be as financially independently successful as your parents, why are you worried what they think?

Why is your son having even more money than you important?


Sorry it's blunt, but I feel a bit :wall: sometimes Alex.


Ps well said cazmanian minx

I think a lot of the reasons I can't let things go relates to letting people down, I know I let my family (wife, son, parents) down. There is a part of me that would like to move far away from here with my wife and son, start again but I can't do it. I didn't consider the possibility of not doing well when I was younger and was expected to do well. Not doing well has knocked any semblance of confidence I had. I suppose I do know what's "wrong" with me but can't fix it.

Re. money, I don't want to let my son down and am concerned about his education, likely irrationally. Believe it or not I do want to give him the skills to be independent and lead a fulfilled life even if he doesn't earn much in adult life.

Red-Squirrel_2

Hi Alex, I've not posted in this section before but I've been reading a few of the diaries over the last few days and yours was so unusual that I've ended up reading the lot.

What I want to say is this.

Your wife clearly loves you, a lot.

She may not be perfect (who is?) and she may have behaved badly at times, but she has to be very deeply in love with you and care for you a great deal. If she didn't, there have been so many points at which she would have just walked.

• She stuck with you through some tough times in terms of your mental health.
  
• She had a child she didn't really want for you (not really the right thing to do, but an indicator of her feelings for you and your happiness).
• She has put up with you and your parents being unpleasant about her family and her upbringing/background.
• She has tolerated all your strange and wonderful financial decisions rather than putting her foot down and insisting that the house gets finished.
• She is still making an effort and coming to see you at your parents' house even though you are the one who left the family home and at this point you don't seem to have any intention of moving back in.

Its obvious that she's not after your family's money (if she was she'd have packed up and moved into the 'big house' ages ago and would be trying to get your parents out). I'll be brutally honest here Alex, most women would have run a mile long ago if they'd had to cope with half of what your wife has had to cope with in their marriage. Whatever her crimes, that she still wants to make it work is incredible and if you love her anything like as much as she must love you then its not to be thrown away!

She seems to want you to be an ordinary contented family, living in the home that you have bought together, going out to work, coming home, living on what you earn, just like most people do.

Is that such an awful prospect?

AlexLK

First productive day in ages. Told father I had work to do and I've wound up earning some money that I wouldn't have done otherwise which will go into the savings. Also managed to do a little towards my soon to be ex-tenant's new house that they've bought (they asked me if I'd help them with some joinery work, so I'm basically playing builder :rotfl:). Will be sad to see them go, to be honest but rather pleased for them as they are really nice people and the new house will be lovely when finished. Won't be able to keep that one ongoing for a decade whilst they pay rent, though I don't think. :rotfl:

Red squirrel, thanks. My wife has left the decision to me but has looked into buying my share of the house, so not sure what that says though she seems upset about how things have worked out over these past few months. I miss her terribly and will always be grateful for her sticking with me through difficult times. The last thing I want to do is throw my marriage away. At the moment she leaves straight after dinner as that's when my father starts his evening rants, I can't say I blame her for that, though. :rotfl: I know she doesn't want my family's money. I don't think she wants me to have it and thinks it is the route of a lot of problems. However, I can't really see how we can have a good life with the income we earn between us plus the mortgage and all the other commitments.

AlexLK

Suffolk_lass wrote: »

When I originally told you about my circumstances, I explained that it happened before the separation had become the established way and in a time period that allowed us to live together again. Be careful Alex, it is two months plus and your priorities are your parents and not your marriage, based on what you are writing.

You will never know if your wife is setting you up if you do not try again. You talk about loving her very much. You also talk about not wanting to regret decisions.

If you miss out on this most important decision because you are prevaricating, you will, most certainly regret it - if not for the outcome, for the lack of conscious decision about what happens next.

The clock is ticking Alex.

SL

Thanks, SL. Our posts must have crossed this morning. I do need to switch off from the parents a bit.

I was thinking about giving it until Easter to make my mind up, so not long as she'll be away with work again before then. I think my son and I will most likely have to move back there rather than my wife move here if things work out.