Renovations and Repayments.

smallholdingsister

Hi Alex.
You are being unreasonable in expecting MrsK to live with her inlaws. Totally unreasonable.

slowlyfading

smallholdingsister wrote: »

Hi Alex.
You are being unreasonable in expecting MrsK to live with her inlaws. Totally unreasonable.

I agree; I love my inlaws dearly, but would never want to live with them.

It isn't fair to expect her to, either.

AlexLK

Not been online for a while.

Targets:
Total Grocery Spend: £375/>£500.
Savings: £25/£250. Waste of effort at the moment, really.
Keep track of and replying to communications: All good so far.
Updating spreadsheet: Can't face it. :mad:
Going to bed at a reasonable time: 5/28.
One new recipe per week: 2/4. Roast pork last Sunday was lovely, thanks maman.

Personal finances are dire at the moment.

Tilly_MFW_in_6_YRS wrote: »

Hi Alex, it may be worth reading articles on how 'Sting' is handling his finances in relation to his children. The burden of knowing you will come into money is a heavy one to bear. I've recently asked my mother to transfer the money due to me, to Trust Funds which we have set up for our children. They are not aware of this and will strive to forge their life on their own merits.

I don't post often but please think about the burden - albeit unwittingly - you may place on your son.

Best wishes Tilly

Hi Tilly,

Thank you for your post.

I do not wish to put a burden or expectation onto my son and hope I am not doing so. I just want him to be happy in both childhood and adulthood. It seems like no matter what I try to do I cannot do the right thing. All part of being a parent, I suppose.

smallholdingsister wrote: »

Hi Alex.
You are being unreasonable in expecting MrsK to live with her inlaws. Totally unreasonable.

slowlyfading wrote: »

I agree; I love my inlaws dearly, but would never want to live with them.

It isn't fair to expect her to, either.

I can't say I expect her to, though do think this house would make for a better home for my wife, son and I. It would be a lot easier if there was not my wife trying to pull me one way and my parents pulling me in another.

smallholdingsister

I have real sympathy with Mrs K on reading this, though she has not been mature in her behaviour.

It should not be up to her to pull you in a different direction from your parents. Either you are a couple, and you move forward together, or you do the decent thing and tell her actually you are unable to tell your parents to respect your marriage and that therefore she comes second.

It is up to you to have your parents respect your marriage (or deal with the boundaries YOU put in place). Sorry to be so blunt but your "I'm a failure, my wife doesn't respect me" litany looks like a red herring.

AlexLK

smallholdingsister wrote: »

I have real sympathy with Mrs K on reading this, though she has not been mature in her behaviour.

It should not be up to her to pull you in a different direction from your parents. Either you are a couple, and you move forward together, or you do the decent thing and tell her actually you are unable to tell your parents to respect your marriage and that therefore she comes second.

It is up to you to have your parents respect your marriage (or deal with the boundaries YOU put in place). Sorry to be so blunt but your "I'm a failure, my wife doesn't respect me" litany looks like a red herring.

In many ways I wish we (my wife and I) could live a life completely independently of my parents but my parents are not getting any younger in years. My father isn't particularly well at the moment. So far as the house is concerned, this property makes the better home for us.

For the vast majority of years I haven't made very good choices in life and that has affected my marriage and future, including money that could have been made independently of my parents. In a lot of ways I'd like to start afresh with my wife and son, move away but that would be completely impractical.

smallholdingsister

AlexLK wrote: »

So far as the house is concerned, this property makes the better home for us.

There is the problem. That may be your opinion but it isn't just down to you.

maman

smallholdingsister wrote: »

There is the problem. That may be your opinion but it isn't just down to you.

shs is right. It may be the better home by the standards of Zoopla but it's not your wife's or your son's home and it's only your childhood home. From what we know it's beyond anything you could aspire to on your and MrsK's earnings.

You'll inherit it one day but that day isn't today. Today you need to make a home with your wife and family.

I realise your parents are relatively elderly but you're still close to hand to support them and they're very able to buy in practical help to back you up.

I know you get a lot of flak on here but it's only because we care and you seem so blinkered by your upbringing.

AlexLK

smallholdingsister wrote: »

There is the problem. That may be your opinion but it isn't just down to you.

Smallholding, I hardly think wanting to move from the house we own together gives her the warrant to behave like she's 18 and single.

I agree that were we live isn't just my decision. Regarding the house we own together, it would be easier to get everything done that needs doing if no one was living there. Being here has made me realise the task we have and what we took on when we bought it. I've been in denial about that for a very long time. When we moved there the house hadn't been touched since the '50s, going through a period of complete neglect before the elderly owner died and was left empty. Whilst it's been in our custody for a decade, we've not been in the financial position to spend the money that needs to be spent on the house. Other than getting the house into a better condition, I think my wife and I have a lot of personal 'history' in that house. Some very happy memories but some very dark ones, also. The option of moving somewhere entirely new would be very difficult: current house would be hard to sell in current condition, I haven't seen anything I'd be interested in for under c.£500,000 and we wouldn't get a mortgage for that amount so there'd be some kind of arrangement with my parents, my wife wouldn't like that and the house would still not be as nice as this one.

newgirly

Sorry Alex, I'm not trying to be unkind but how much have you spent on cars? You could have spent that on doing the house up

AlexLK

Targets:
Total Grocery Spend: £415/>£500. Should do this.
Savings: £60/£250. My wife has saved £500 again.
Keep track of and replying to communications: All good so far.
Updating spreadsheet: Done it today.
Going to bed at a reasonable time: 6/28.
One new recipe per week: 2/4.

Half term hasn't been good, I've had a lingering cold for weeks now and my son hasn't been very well either. Tonight will be an early night for me.

maman wrote: »

shs is right. It may be the better home by the standards of Zoopla but it's not your wife's or your son's home and it's only your childhood home. From what we know it's beyond anything you could aspire to on your and MrsK's earnings.

You'll inherit it one day but that day isn't today. Today you need to make a home with your wife and family.

I realise your parents are relatively elderly but you're still close to hand to support them and they're very able to buy in practical help to back you up.

I know you get a lot of flak on here but it's only because we care and you seem so blinkered by your upbringing.

I'm dreadfully ashamed I will never manage to be independently successful in life. It causes conflict between my wife and I. Reading "it's beyond anything you could aspire to" serves to make me realise the shame of the way my life has gone. You are right, of course.

My father needs support beyond that of practical help at the moment. As well as physical ailments, guilt is tearing him apart and my mother can't cope with it. He talks to me for hours and hours everyday, analysing his past and the regrets he has. Yesterday he told me that he can't lose his memories as by losing them he may make the mistake of thinking he's a good man.