Renovations and Repayments.

AlexLK

newgirly wrote: »

Sorry Alex, I'm not trying to be unkind but how much have you spent on cars? You could have spent that on doing the house up

The thing with the cars I'm interested in, I've made money on them at the point of sale and traded up. It's not been "dead" money. If we sold all our cars apart from one and Mrs K kept her company car we could do the house. However, we wouldn't see the money back unless the house was sold then we'd have to find somewhere else, so still wouldn't see the money.

newgirly

I just don't know what to say to that Alex, How on earth do you find time to listen to your dad for hours a day?

Sorry but we all have regrets in life, it's not your job to make him feel better and it doesn't sound like it's doing you a lot of good getting so involved with it all.

As for the money being lost, I don't understand that way of thinking as a nice home is not a waste is it?

AlexLK

newgirly wrote: »

I just don't know what to say to that Alex, How on earth do you find time to listen to your dad for hours a day?

Sorry but we all have regrets in life, it's not your job to make him feel better and it doesn't sound like it's doing you a lot of good getting so involved with it all.

As for the money being lost, I don't understand that way of thinking as a nice home is not a waste is it?

I don't. Other things don't get done. It's the main reason I'm not managing to make any extra money for savings and haven't been online (that's probably not a bad thing, though :rotfl:). I have let down a couple of pupils because he usually talks to me when my son goes to bed and only stops at about 1am. After lunch he expects me to stay in the dining hall whilst my son walks the dogs with my mother. Only "got away" this evening because I wasn't feeling well and have decided to take the computer to my bedroom rather than wait for him to come to the drawing room and be up until 1am drinking. :rotfl:

To spend all the money my wife and I independently have on the house would mean we had few other assets. A nice home isn't a waste of money but we could have that more easily than putting ourselves into the position of selling the vast majority of our assets.

newgirly

Wow, that's a lot!

maman

OMG Alex not being able to aspire to a £500 000+ house isn't failure, it's normal. If you think otherwise then you're just settling yourself up to fail.

It's quite possible to get care staff (whether under the guise of cleaners or whatever) that would give a listening ear to your dad. Or maybe (she says cruelly:o) if he didn't have an audience.....

What's worse is the thought that many years down the line you could be bemoaning to LittleK that you'd got it wrong.....

AlexLK

newgirly wrote: »

Wow, that's a lot!

Yes. Mind, he used to call me to go there. Once it was an "emergency" ... to talk about a numberplate on a car he owned well before I was born. :rotfl:

maman wrote: »

OMG Alex not being able to aspire to a £500 000+ house isn't failure, it's normal. If you think otherwise then you're just settling yourself up to fail.

It's quite possible to get care staff (whether under the guise of cleaners or whatever) that would give a listening ear to your dad. Or maybe (she says cruelly:o) if he didn't have an audience.....

What's worse is the thought that many years down the line you could be bemoaning to LittleK that you'd got it wrong.....

My wife thinks we do well financially and is happy with where she is income-wise. The other day she said we'd be fine if she earned what she does currently and I earned a teacher's salary but never inherited or had any other income. She realises how little teachers earn, too. Whereas, there's a part of me that wants to take ridiculous amounts from the business to fund a lifestyle but I won't as it's ultimately money that will be passed through my family and ensure future generations don't fall into poverty.

He specifically wants to talk to me as he recognises that he is upsetting my mother with some of the things he says and won't say anything to a stranger.

I really hope I won't. Whilst I'm not exactly pleased with how my life has turned out, I really wouldn't want to burden my son with my problems.

kelpie35

Other things don't get done. It's the main reason I'm not managing to make any extra money for savings and haven't been online (that's probably not a bad thing, though ). I have let down a couple of pupils because he usually talks to me when my son goes to bed and only stops at about 1am. After lunch he expects me to stay in the dining hall whilst my son walks the dogs with my mother. Only "got away" this evening because I wasn't feeling well and have decided to take the computer to my bedroom rather than wait for him to come to the drawing room and be up until 1am drinking.

Oh Alex this is causing me to have alarm bells ringing.

I know your parents are elderly but you have a family of your own now. They need to come first.

Can I ask you a question please. If you did not have your parents home to stay in at the moment, would you be back staying in your own home with your wife and son?

I know that things have been difficult between you and Mrs K and that, at times, her behavior has not been appropriate, but that is what you and her need to be working on.

You are 6 months or so away from carving out a new career for yourself. A career that you could excel in, which would make you feel fulfilled and in return make your life much happier.. If you continue to live the way you are at the moment you will not be able to cope.

I know that you have been brought up in a world completely different to mine, but deep down you are just a nice young man, who is a caring dad, caring husband and caring son. Please think carefully about YOUR future.


Take care

choccielover

So let me see if I have his right,

You aren't taking a "proper" salary from what you do with your parents business so that you can keep the money in the "Alexs parents" business to hand down, leaving the burden of providing for what your family needs in the here and now to fall to Mrs K. You complain about the home you bought together and share and how you haven't got enough money to find improving it, whilst the money you should be earning stays in this family business and is presumably funding the running of "the big house" not to mention the place in Spain, the purchase of 3 brand new cars (one of which has gone on ice till yoir sone can drive) as well as various other things.

Whilst I recognise Mrs K hasn't exactly covered herself in glory lately Alex I think you do her a huge injustice.

I applaud your efforts to want to be a teacher, but then you seem incapable of the realities of the world. Not everyone has a safety cushion of a future inheritance and the fact you can only afford to be a teacher and stay living in the manner in which you do (at the big house or at your own home) is because you live off the means someone else provides. If having a £500k home is so important to you and is the only thing you can possibly bring yourself to consider suitable for a man or your tastes then get off your backside and learn a skill that will pay you the appropriate salary so you can afford it. Contribute fairly to the relationship financially instead of being derogatory about what Mrs k does earn because from where I'm standing she doing a damn sight better than you are

smallholdingsister

Alex I agree that Mrs K is not entitled to behave like a single 18 year old.

Also I realise you are being challenged a LOT here. It is all well meaning though.

If you do a little research you will find that endlessly absorbing your Father's angst will damage your MH and do nothing beneficial for him.

Also staying up super late and being less productive as a result will also have a negative impact on your MH.

Finally, if you could do the work on your marital home more easily without living there, then borrow/rent a caravan and put your furniture in storage, but live as a family if you want to KEEP your family.

Suffolk_lass

smallholdingsister wrote: »

Alex I agree that Mrs K is not entitled to behave like a single 18 year old.

Also I realise you are being challenged a LOT here. It is all well meaning though.

If you do a little research you will find that endlessly absorbing your Father's angst will damage your MH and do nothing beneficial for him.

Also staying up super late and being less productive as a result will also have a negative impact on your MH.

Finally, if you could do the work on your marital home more easily without living there, then borrow/rent a caravan and put your furniture in storage, but live as a family if you want to KEEP your family.

Well said SHS.

Alex, it feels to me as though your original purpose in moving to your parents house has been superseded by their needs. I think what people are trying to say to you is that you need to step back, be clear what your priorities are, and then resolve the problem areas, not be deflected on to another pile of issues.

From what you are saying, you perhaps did not realise your father's change of focus (suggests progressive mental failing, for whatever reason) until you moved in to stay there while making space to evaluate your marriage. Now you are supporting your parents (family loyalty, sense of guilt, love and care and everything else) to the possible detriment of your marriage and family life.

You said you love your wife. You have not said much about her on here since she went away for a week on business. At that point it felt as though it was a "test" to see if she kept in contact with you. It feels as though you need to look at how you have changed since you moved to your parents' and question whether your marriage and family life are still your priority. Be careful that your separation does not quickly become permanent if you do not pay appropriate attention.

If it does, it must be a conscious decision, based on your priorities, not a sub-conscious outcome.

SL