Renovations and Repayments.

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

We had a bit of a disagreement this morning after I mentioned that she could move here in a few months. It seems she has a real issue with our son not having to "work for money" when he's older. She said some quite hurtful things to me and mentioned that she thinks teaching will be a five minute wonder: I will find it hard / frustrating at some point and decide not to bother because I don't have to do it for money. She said that if things don't work out between us, she would like 40% of the house equity, 2 of the cars which are more her's and nothing else because she doesn't want any of my family's money. Apparently, she'd be happier with our marriage if my family had nothing - she actually said this. We did put that behind us to have a nice day and evening, though I'm not sure if this is causing some of her behaviour - the fact that something neither of us have any control over (the family we're born to) is something she takes issue with.

If that's your plan for getting back together I'm not surprised MrsK fell out with you.


I realise it's hard for you having grown up with the expectation that you will inherit but it doesn't mean you have no control. MrsK has turned her own life around from the possibly low expectations of her upbringing. You could conversely decide to live within your means, pay your own way etc. as we've told you many times before. You'll inherit one day but you don't have to base your current life on it.


I can see what MrsK means about teaching. It is hard and you'll have to work within government edicts and budgets that will frustrate you. Only recently you were explaining that the low salary wouldn't be a problem for you and you've also talked about only working part time after you qualify. That's not the real world of work that MrsK and millions of others live in.


I'm the first to criticise MrsK for her many faults but this isn't one of them. You have this wish for your son to live in a big house and go to a private school but you can't afford it without your parents. He wants to go back to his own home, your wife doesn't want to move in with the in-laws. This could be a deal breaker for MrsK. Is it worth it?

newgirly

I think Maman has said what I was also thinking of posting very well

gallygirl

newgirly wrote: »

I think Maman has said what I was also thinking of posting very well

Thirded .

Watty1

AlexLK wrote: »

Where do you learn about actual nutritional content? I didn't know that leafy green veg is a good source of calcium. Nor did I know about the balance between calcium and magnesium. In fact, the only things I knew that needed a good supply of those minerals are corals (learning VERY SLOWLY about keeping a marine aquarium for my son).

Thanks, re. bedtime. I'm going to read after posting this and am determined to have an early night - very tired.



I think I need to be told what's best for me - don't seem to work it out for myself. :rotfl:

Hope you made it to bed early. As for learning about the nutritional content, well I had some training but google
the vegan sites about calcium. They are great as they give a good indication of calcium rich foods that are non dairy

AlexLK

February targets:
Total Grocery Spend: £15/>£500.
Savings: 0/£250.
Keep track of and replying to communications: All good so far.
Updating spreadsheet: Still not done, may have something to do with things not really being very good.
Going to bed at a reasonable time: 2/28, .
One new recipe per week: 0/4.

Still ill and despite getting an early night and a good amount of sleep, I've been really tired all day. Will be having another early night. Just got some jobs that were waiting done today and been for a drive. My wife went to see some friends.

maman wrote: »

If that's your plan for getting back together I'm not surprised MrsK fell out with you.

I realise it's hard for you having grown up with the expectation that you will inherit but it doesn't mean you have no control. MrsK has turned her own life around from the possibly low expectations of her upbringing. You could conversely decide to live within your means, pay your own way etc. as we've told you many times before. You'll inherit one day but you don't have to base your current life on it.

I'm not sure what my plan is, to be honest. Being here has made me realise the house my wife and I own needs more work than I had deluded myself into thinking it needs. The other house has never been a nice place to live in because we've never completed it. Here is, by far, the better place for my son to grow up in.

This is not really anything to do with inheritance. She has stated that she would rather be married to me if my family had nothing, something that is out of my control, I did not choose to be born to my parents. She seems to want my son to have no security in adult life, either. I live within my means, in fact I take as little money as possible for as much as possible to be reinvested which will benefit my son, ultimately. I could choose to take more but I don't. By the end of the month I have nothing in my personal account but know my family (and future generations) benefit, albeit in a small way, from me not taking for myself.

maman wrote: »

I can see what MrsK means about teaching. It is hard and you'll have to work within government edicts and budgets that will frustrate you. Only recently you were explaining that the low salary wouldn't be a problem for you and you've also talked about only working part time after you qualify. That's not the real world of work that MrsK and millions of others live in.

She is not even giving me a chance to give it a go before condemning it to being a "five minute wonder". According to her, everything I've ever done has been. :mad:

I am aware it will not work all my way and there is politicisation of especially state education. Not sure why working part time or not being reliant on the salary is an issue or any less "real world"? I have a genuine interest in education, is that not "real world" enough? I will still be responsible for the things I'm responsible for now and want to have time to pursue other things I'm interested in (cars, old things, music etc.), hence part time being a better option for me. I'm annoyed my wife seems to think money should be a motivation for me to carry on even if I find I don't enjoy it. Seemingly, she wants this type of attitude to prevail when my son reaches adulthood, potentially leaving him in a time consuming career with no time for his own interests for the sake of money. That is not a healthy way to live.

maman wrote: »

I'm the first to criticise MrsK for her many faults but this isn't one of them. You have this wish for your son to live in a big house and go to a private school but you can't afford it without your parents. He wants to go back to his own home, your wife doesn't want to move in with the in-laws. This could be a deal breaker for MrsK. Is it worth it?

I'm concerned how her attitude could potentially affect my son's wellbeing when he is older.

I want the best for my son, maman. Whether I can personally afford to give him that or not, is surely beyond the point? I know plenty of pupils attending my schools were likely not funded purely by parental means.

Had my son all his things here, I think he would settle well. I also think if my wife gave it a chance, she would. At the moment she comes here for dinner every evening, if she hated it here so much, she'd invite me to the other house.

AlexLK

Watty1 wrote: »

Hope you made it to bed early. As for learning about the nutritional content, well I had some training but google
the vegan sites about calcium. They are great as they give a good indication of calcium rich foods that are non dairy

Thanks, Watty.

Yes, I got to bed early and have another early night planned for tonight too.

I will have a look at the vegan sites as it would be good to know what foods other than dairy contain calcium. I think some general googling about the type of diet that gives good nutritional content is required which will hopefully allow my to find new foods / meals to enjoy alongside things I currently make.

newgirly

We are all having the same conversations in your thread and going round in circles Alex, I can see why you are at deadlock with your wife.

I hope you don't mind me posting my point of view about my family, it may be a different situation to your parents entirely (I have no idea how much money your parents have !) but I think we have very different views.

A "time consuming career" maybe what makes your ds happy, he may enjoy his work and feel proud of what he achieves, there is a lot of satisfaction in earning your own money surely? What if his hobbies are daytime tv and video games :rotfl:


From my perspective my parents are also self made and quite wealthy (not very mse but it has turned out well anyway for them!) I have no idea what their net worth is , but they own lots of properties here in London (nothing flash , but still) i appreciate that i may have an easier time in retirement than others who may not inherit will have, but that's as far as it goes. It doesn't impact on our family life at all usually (except when we were given money for he first time ever last year!) and as you may know my father has offered my dd an 'income' while she is still at uni which I (and she - by her own choice) turned down.



She now works part time for us and some entertainment companies around her degree, she earns money and also gains experience in the field she wants to work in. She can walk into any setting and talk with anyone, having to work in these environments has given her massive confidence boosts. Had she taken he 'income' perhaps she would be at home hanging out with her boyfriend, going for meals etc. would she be as well equipped? She would probably spend more on clothes and in Waterstones, but other than that I don't know!

Don't get me wrong I've been supported by my dh over the years no shame in being a sah parent, but I don't particularly want my kids aspiration to be a sah son or daughter :eek:

Do you worry about the pressure for your ds to achieve? Why would you not want to let him have the experience of the lows as well as the highs? If we all got what we wanted all of the time life would become quite bland.

Sorry this has turned into a monumental waffle! You have just stuck a nerve on this subject, it's also a valid loving parental plan to NOT want to give your kids what they want all the time, let them earn it and take pride in what they are capable of.

End of waffle.

Tropically

I think it's important to not derive too much of one's self-worth from one's parents money. Self-worth should be derived from personal accomplishments (and this definitely doesn't just mean salary) such as being an honest person, self-reliant, compassionate, athletic etc.

I can understand your wife's perspective where she wants to make sure your son has other things to derive self-worth from other than family money. He may not need to work for money, but I can understand wanting him to have a good work ethic so that he can live up to his full potential as an adult.

AlexLK

February targets:
Total Grocery Spend: £20/>£500.
Savings: 0/£250.
Keep track of and replying to communications: All good so far.
Updating spreadsheet: That'll be -1 to me, as I've not done it yet still.
Going to bed at a reasonable time: 3/28, .
One new recipe per week: 0/4.

newgirly wrote: »

We are all having the same conversations in your thread and going round in circles Alex, I can see why you are at deadlock with your wife.

I hope you don't mind me posting my point of view about my family, it may be a different situation to your parents entirely (I have no idea how much money your parents have !) but I think we have very different views.

A "time consuming career" maybe what makes your ds happy, he may enjoy his work and feel proud of what he achieves, there is a lot of satisfaction in earning your own money surely? What if his hobbies are daytime tv and video games :rotfl:

From my perspective my parents are also self made and quite wealthy (not very mse but it has turned out well anyway for them!) I have no idea what their net worth is , but they own lots of properties here in London (nothing flash , but still) i appreciate that i may have an easier time in retirement than others who may not inherit will have, but that's as far as it goes. It doesn't impact on our family life at all usually (except when we were given money for he first time ever last year!) and as you may know my father has offered my dd an 'income' while she is still at uni which I (and she - by her own choice) turned down.

She now works part time for us and some entertainment companies around her degree, she earns money and also gains experience in the field she wants to work in. She can walk into any setting and talk with anyone, having to work in these environments has given her massive confidence boosts. Had she taken he 'income' perhaps she would be at home hanging out with her boyfriend, going for meals etc. would she be as well equipped? She would probably spend more on clothes and in Waterstones, but other than that I don't know!

Don't get me wrong I've been supported by my dh over the years no shame in being a sah parent, but I don't particularly want my kids aspiration to be a sah son or daughter :eek:

Do you worry about the pressure for your ds to achieve? Why would you not want to let him have the experience of the lows as well as the highs? If we all got what we wanted all of the time life would become quite bland.

Sorry this has turned into a monumental waffle! You have just stuck a nerve on this subject, it's also a valid loving parental plan to NOT want to give your kids what they want all the time, let them earn it and take pride in what they are capable of.

End of waffle.

If a time consuming career is what my son wants one day, I'd have no problem with that. The problem comes if that is not what he wants but would feel obliged to do it "for the money".

He does not get everything he wants all the time and is being taught all kinds of life skills. My son will leave home knowing how to do all necessary household and cooking things, know how to maintain a car and how to work to a budget. I suspect he'll help my cousin out with her horses as he gets older - he already has earnt a little money helping out there, so I'm hardly promoting him to have no work ethic.

I am very concerned about external pressures in life, NG.

Tropically wrote: »

I think it's important to not derive too much of one's self-worth from one's parents money. Self-worth should be derived from personal accomplishments (and this definitely doesn't just mean salary) such as being an honest person, self-reliant, compassionate, athletic etc.

I can understand your wife's perspective where she wants to make sure your son has other things to derive self-worth from other than family money. He may not need to work for money, but I can understand wanting him to have a good work ethic so that he can live up to his full potential as an adult.

I'd like to think that I provide my son with plenty of opportunities to develop his own self esteem from more than family money.

As for work ethic, I'd like to think I have a good work ethic.

Tilly_MFW_in_6_YRS

Hi Alex, it may be worth reading articles on how 'Sting' is handling his finances in relation to his children. The burden of knowing you will come into money is a heavy one to bear. I've recently asked my mother to transfer the money due to me, to Trust Funds which we have set up for our children. They are not aware of this and will strive to forge their life on their own merits.

I don't post often but please think about the burden - albeit unwittingly - you may place on your son.

Best wishes Tilly