Renovations and Repayments.

Red-Squirrel_2

AlexLK wrote: »

Red squirrel, thanks. My wife has left the decision to me but has looked into buying my share of the house, so not sure what that says though she seems upset about how things have worked out over these past few months. I miss her terribly and will always be grateful for her sticking with me through difficult times. The last thing I want to do is throw my marriage away. At the moment she leaves straight after dinner as that's when my father starts his evening rants, I can't say I blame her for that, though. :rotfl: I know she doesn't want my family's money. I don't think she wants me to have it and thinks it is the route of a lot of problems. However, I can't really see how we can have a good life with the income we earn between us plus the mortgage and all the other commitments.

Do you have any friends? Do you ever spend time with people who have the sort of life your wife wants for you so you can see how they find their happiness?

I'm a nurse, I don't make a lot of money. I have a mortgage that seems fairly large to me (although nowhere near half a million!), but you know what, I have a lovely life. I love my family, I love my friends, I love my animals, I love my hobbies (I'm re-visiting the piano after neglecting it for 15 years) and I even love my job most days.

As long as you have enough to keep a roof over your head and food in your belly then money has very little to do with happiness. There's tons and tons of good quality research that demonstrates this very clearly.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/690806

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17905809

Has all that money made your dad happy, at all?

hiddenshadow

AlexLK wrote: »

First productive day in ages. Told father I had work to do and I've wound up earning some money that I wouldn't have done otherwise which will go into the savings.

Congrats, well done.

My wife has left the decision to me but has looked into buying my share of the house, so not sure what that says though she seems upset about how things have worked out over these past few months.

Is your wife a planner and/or over-analyzer? I would totally do this even if I couldn't bear the thought of going through with it, simply to have the knowledge of "well, if worst came to worst, I know I have to take steps a,b,c". See also: my detailed hypothetical budgets for a year from now, my myriad of spreadsheets for various combinations of lifestyle (income levels/expenses) and circumstances (keep vs sell house, various rental incomes, etc.) For me, especially if I couldn't control the outcome (whether you both decide to commit to the marriage), I'd want to be extra sure I knew what steps I could take for whatever outcomes...exerting influence on life's chaos, I suppose you could say. I don't know if MrsK is like that at all, but if so it could explain her behaviour and still have her committed to the relationship as well.

I know she doesn't want my family's money. I don't think she wants me to have it and thinks it is the route of a lot of problems. However, I can't really see how we can have a good life with the income we earn between us plus the mortgage and all the other commitments.

Have you talked about this? Do you agree on what "a good life" is, and what you might be willing to sacrifice (or not) to get it? (Or vice-verse, what you'd be willing to settle for in order to not have to sacrifice things?)

This seems like something that's been hanging over your heads for quite a while. Presumably it's coming to a head now because LittleK's current/future schooling are in play, your parents' health is impacting your lives, and so on, but this isn't something that's going to go away (unless your inheritance status changes in some fashion).

Random suggestion - can you buy yourselves time on the bigger picture issues (will/won't we live in The Big House, will/won't we leave money for LittleK, whatever else doesn't have to be decided in the next year or more)? If you actually like the challenge of paying off the mortgage on your house, and want to do it up, take advantage of that! You know MrsK wants the same thing, so you automatically have common ground there. Commit to your life as it is (not what it will be if you lived with your parents/inherited their house) for a year...see where things stand then.

Other posters have noted above that lately it seems like you're on Team K (your parents, you, LittleK) against MrsK who's largely on her own. You're not going to know if you can trust her until/unless something changes....via breakthrough in counselling, or living together and seeing what happens, or whatever. As it stands, MrsK seems to have things both very "easy" (she can come by one weekend day and a couple of weeknights for family time and otherwise do as she pleases) and very hard (see above re: Team K vs her).

It sounds woo-woo but I've read/heard before that relationships are a daily choice. You choose to be nice to your partner, to give them the benefit of the doubt, and/or to stay with them on that day. The next day you choose again. And again. You and MrsK could choose each other each day. Right now it seems like you're choosing your parents (though their situation sounds unfortunate it does sound like they could manage with much less time input from you), and you're hoping that MrsK will choose them along with you. I don't think it's surprising that she hasn't done that, but you might be surprised if you made the first move.

(This is all very waffly and purely speculative on your relationship, but it's been mulling around in my head for a few weeks so wanted to write it down...apologies if it's wildly off-base.)

kelpie35

Here is another question for you Alex.

What would you do if Mrs K asked you to go and live with her parents?

I know her parents have a completely different lifestyle than you are used to but in my opinion they are in the majority of how most people live their lives.

I am pleased your day so far has gone well and I hope it continues that way.

Take care.

AlexLK

Targets:
Total Grocery Spend: £430/>£500.
Savings: £130/£250. Discussed this with my wife tonight, she was surprised I've managed to save anything. I'm going to do as she does at the end of the month - half to over payment, half to renovations. My contribution isn't going to be great but it's something.
Keep track of and replying to communications: Still keeping track, still replying which is something of a miracle.
Updating spreadsheet: Updated with food / petrol spends and additional unexpected income.
Going to bed at a reasonable time: 8/28. Very tired this evening and will have to go to bed early tonight after the unexpected wake up from my son who wanted to get up and play piano. :T
One new recipe per week: 3/4.

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Do you have any friends? Do you ever spend time with people who have the sort of life your wife wants for you so you can see how they find their happiness?

I'm a nurse, I don't make a lot of money. I have a mortgage that seems fairly large to me (although nowhere near half a million!), but you know what, I have a lovely life. I love my family, I love my friends, I love my animals, I love my hobbies (I'm re-visiting the piano after neglecting it for 15 years) and I even love my job most days.

As long as you have enough to keep a roof over your head and food in your belly then money has very little to do with happiness. There's tons and tons of good quality research that demonstrates this very clearly.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/690806

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17905809

Has all that money made your dad happy, at all?

I don't have any close friends. Certainly no one I would discuss their income and expenditure with. The people I see on a regular basis are my wife and son, my parents, my cousin and her family, tenants (sometimes) and pupils / teachers I work with. I take my son to my in-laws to see them once each holiday and very occasionally see a friend from my university / school days.

My mother-in-law is a nurse, certainly not an easy job. Glad to hear you've come back to piano. Despite two music degrees I spent a time not playing music at all before coming back to it, really improved my practice in both violin and piano over the past few years and a lot more disciplined in learning pieces / exercises too. Seems age counts for something. :rotfl:

I've only read the abstracts of the studies thus far. So far as lottery winners go, it does not surprise me that the win does not make them significantly happier and I can understand how someone paralysed would long for the past. I long for how I felt before my MH got really bad and loath the person I was at the same time. Lottery winners have not lived their whole lives accustomed to a certain lifestyle and are potentially shocked by the sudden change in circumstances. Regarding the life events I can relate to some of those, also.

Re. my father. He's the sort of person that if he were a self-made billionaire it wouldn't be good enough.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

Congrats, well done.

Is your wife a planner and/or over-analyzer? I would totally do this even if I couldn't bear the thought of going through with it, simply to have the knowledge of "well, if worst came to worst, I know I have to take steps a,b,c". See also: my detailed hypothetical budgets for a year from now, my myriad of spreadsheets for various combinations of lifestyle (income levels/expenses) and circumstances (keep vs sell house, various rental incomes, etc.) For me, especially if I couldn't control the outcome (whether you both decide to commit to the marriage), I'd want to be extra sure I knew what steps I could take for whatever outcomes...exerting influence on life's chaos, I suppose you could say. I don't know if MrsK is like that at all, but if so it could explain her behaviour and still have her committed to the relationship as well.

Thanks, HS.

She can be a planner, certainly is for her work but often not so in other areas of life.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

Have you talked about this? Do you agree on what "a good life" is, and what you might be willing to sacrifice (or not) to get it? (Or vice-verse, what you'd be willing to settle for in order to not have to sacrifice things?)

This seems like something that's been hanging over your heads for quite a while. Presumably it's coming to a head now because LittleK's current/future schooling are in play, your parents' health is impacting your lives, and so on, but this isn't something that's going to go away (unless your inheritance status changes in some fashion).

Random suggestion - can you buy yourselves time on the bigger picture issues (will/won't we live in The Big House, will/won't we leave money for LittleK, whatever else doesn't have to be decided in the next year or more)? If you actually like the challenge of paying off the mortgage on your house, and want to do it up, take advantage of that! You know MrsK wants the same thing, so you automatically have common ground there. Commit to your life as it is (not what it will be if you lived with your parents/inherited their house) for a year...see where things stand then.

I don't suppose we've really talked about it much. My wife wants to move a little further with her career but not so much for the cash incentive. At the moment she pays a fair amount of money into a pension to avoid paying some higher rate tax and has said she will continue to pension any wage rises. So, she's not too bothered about earning more money but enjoys her work and is motivated to move forward.

My son's schooling is an issue. He's finally settled at school but we have got to think about what's happening at 7. My wife would like him to stay and go to the localish (in relation to the house we own) and local to here senior school which is a good school with fantastic history for a state school. I'm not sure it's a good idea and don't want to be closing doors for him at 7 years old. As for my parents, they are an issue. Mother is fine health-wise but father isn't.

I really like the challenge of overpaying and renovating the house. Probably seems not most of the time but that's generally to do with other things on my mind.

hiddenshadow wrote: »

Other posters have noted above that lately it seems like you're on Team K (your parents, you, LittleK) against MrsK who's largely on her own. You're not going to know if you can trust her until/unless something changes....via breakthrough in counselling, or living together and seeing what happens, or whatever. As it stands, MrsK seems to have things both very "easy" (she can come by one weekend day and a couple of weeknights for family time and otherwise do as she pleases) and very hard (see above re: Team K vs her).

It sounds woo-woo but I've read/heard before that relationships are a daily choice. You choose to be nice to your partner, to give them the benefit of the doubt, and/or to stay with them on that day. The next day you choose again. And again. You and MrsK could choose each other each day. Right now it seems like you're choosing your parents (though their situation sounds unfortunate it does sound like they could manage with much less time input from you), and you're hoping that MrsK will choose them along with you. I don't think it's surprising that she hasn't done that, but you might be surprised if you made the first move.

(This is all very waffly and purely speculative on your relationship, but it's been mulling around in my head for a few weeks so wanted to write it down...apologies if it's wildly off-base.)

Thanks, that does actually make a lot of sense.

kelpie35 wrote: »

Here is another question for you Alex.

What would you do if Mrs K asked you to go and live with her parents?

I know her parents have a completely lifestyle than you are used to but in my opinion they are in the majority of how most people live their lives.

I am pleased your day so far has gone well and I hope it continues that way.

Take care.

Thanks, kelpie.

Re. in-laws. I wouldn't go but it is a completely different situation as if we lived with my in-laws we'd have no space of our own at all (they live in a small 3 bed semi (3rd room very small) with an open-plan kitchen-diner and separate sitting room). No garaging for vehicles, no space for a workshop, no music room, no grounds, no separate spaces for them / us, very little space even compared to the house my wife and I own. Simply would not work even taking personalities etc. out of the equation.

Red-Squirrel_2

AlexLK wrote: »

Thanks, kelpie.

Re. in-laws. I wouldn't go but it is a completely different situation as if we lived with my in-laws we'd have no space of our own at all (they live in a small 3 bed semi (3rd room very small) with an open-plan kitchen-diner and separate sitting room). No garaging for vehicles, no space for a workshop, no music room, no grounds, no separate spaces for them / us, very little space even compared to the house my wife and I own. Simply would not work even taking personalities etc. out of the equation.

Alex, did you deliberately miss the point of that question?

I think it was intended to suggest that you have a think about what you are expecting of your wife and put yourself in her shoes for a minute so you can realise why its not a reasonable expectation.

Well done on your targets for today, I didn't do any of mine!

kelpie35

Alex, did you deliberately miss the point of that question?

I think it was intended to suggest that you have a think about what you are expecting of your wife and put yourself in her shoes for a minute so you can realise why its not a reasonable expectation.

Exactly red squirrel

AlexLK

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Alex, did you deliberately miss the point of that question?

I think it was intended to suggest that you have a think about what you are expecting of your wife and put yourself in her shoes for a minute so you can realise why its not a reasonable expectation.

Well done on your targets for today, I didn't do any of mine!

Thanks, red squirrel.

I didn't miss the point. It is a completely different situation. Ultimately, my parents view this house as something that will be passed through the generations as the house my mother grew up in was / is. My in-laws have a very small house and don't hold that view. It won't ever be my wife's as she has two other siblings and it has been agreed the house will be sold and the proceeds of the sale split three ways.

newgirly

I don't think the question was about the actual house, more would you want to live with your inlaws, For arguments sake with the same property as your parents?

The thought of living with my parents makes me shudder and we get on great, let alone the inlaws :eek:

Red-Squirrel_2

AlexLK wrote: »

Thanks, red squirrel.

I didn't miss the point. It is a completely different situation. Ultimately, my parents view this house as something that will be passed through the generations as the house my mother grew up in was / is. My in-laws have a very small house and don't hold that view. It won't ever be my wife's as she has two other siblings and it has been agreed the house will be sold and the proceeds of the sale split three ways.

Forget the houses, forget the actual practicalities, would you want to live under the same roof as your inlaws in a house owned by them under any circumstances? Even in a castle where your bedrooms were in opposite wings?

heartbreak_star

AlexLK wrote: »

I don't have any close friends. Certainly no one I would discuss their income and expenditure with. The people I see on a regular basis are my wife and son, my parents, my cousin and her family, tenants (sometimes) and pupils / teachers I work with. I take my son to my in-laws to see them once each holiday and very occasionally see a friend from my university / school days.

I think you need to broaden the friends circle a bit

Re. my father. He's the sort of person that if he were a self-made billionaire it wouldn't be good enough.

So the money hasn't made him happy, then. Why do you think it will make you happy?

My son's schooling is an issue. He's finally settled at school but we have got to think about what's happening at 7. My wife would like him to stay and go to the localish (in relation to the house we own) and local to here senior school which is a good school with fantastic history for a state school. I'm not sure it's a good idea and don't want to be closing doors for him at 7 years old.

Alex, we've been through this! If the local state school is good, why throw away money? My current lab has (I think) one privately-schooled person, and she's a tech like me. Neither Professor was privately schooled

This is one of those times where I want to hug you and give you a stern talking-to at the same time :rotfl:

Equally I know how difficult it is trying to balance a parent like you father with other things in life. Has he been seen by a doctor yet? I can't remember if you said...

HBS x