Having a baby aged 35 or over

AngelOfTheNorth

Jagraf wrote: »

Trying for a baby without mutual consent is a recipe or disaster and immoral (where's the shudder icon). What if a man wants a child but a woman doesn't, ones he pierce a hole in his condom?

Then it wouldn't be remotely comparable to this situation, where the man is aware that the woman isn't using any hormonal contraception and can choose to either have sex or not have sex on this basis. The huge distinction is the lack of deception.

With that said, it's still a stupid idea. For both partners. You're right about the recipe for disaster part. Having a baby is just such incredibly hard work, and that (based on my personal experience) is when both partners were happy about the pregnancies and actively wanted to work together to parent the child. It must be a million times harder when one of you isn't on board, or doing it on your own. I cannot imagine why anyone would have unprotected sex in the situation Worry_Wart describes, be they male or female. Too much at stake.

Rachylou1981

AngelOfTheNorth wrote: »

Then it wouldn't be remotely comparable to this situation, where the man is aware that the woman isn't using any hormonal contraception and can choose to either have sex or not have sex on this basis. The huge distinction is the lack of deception.

With that said, it's still a stupid idea. For both partners. You're right about the recipe for disaster part. Having a baby is just such incredibly hard work, and that (based on my personal experience) is when both partners were happy about the pregnancies and actively wanted to work together to parent the child. It must be a million times harder when one of you isn't on board, or doing it on your own. I cannot imagine why anyone would have unprotected sex in the situation Worry_Wart describes, be they male or female. Too much at stake.

Thanks for this Angel. The first part is what I was trying to say in that Worry_Wart's partner does have a choice in the matter as he is fully informed of her plan. The second part is the way I feel about it but each to their own and if Worry_Wart wants to play it that way then that's her choice. It isn't mine and I have never implied that it is.

Worry_Wart

Rachylou just wanted to say sorry for causing so much confusion in your thread! I'm trying to keep out of it. We're both in the same situation just approaching things differently. I hope everything works out for you!

FatVonD

Worry_Wart wrote: »

No, I wouldn't leave him, he'd have to leave! If he's still here by the agreed date, that means he consents to trying. He seems happy enough with that - gives him time to think and means he has to be the active one in leaving, so it's pretty unlikely he will. Most men I know just take the path of least resistance (sorry for the generalisation but it seems to be true of my male friends).

And with regards to the contraception, he knows I'm not on the pill, and want kids, so it's up to him to prevent that, not me. I'm just removing the responsibility from my shoulders.

There have been no arguments about this. Just me stating some facts and him mulling it over.

I applaud your stance on this even if few others do! Never let a man (who can father a child at pretty much any age) dictate how long you should put your fertility on hold for.

It was the exact same circumstances (the younger partner I was with throughout my late 20s/early 30s never being *quite* ready) that meant that I didn't start trying to conceive (with a different partner) until I was 35.

Of course the original partner's next two girlfriends both got pregnant by playing fast and loose with contraception. The first had a termination and the second went on the have the child. The second was a friend of one of my friends and I had the pleasure of bumping into her in the park with their baby whilst I was coming to terms with my failed IUI attempts.

This also meant that I had to stay in a relationship that I already knew wasn't ideal because of having to have fertility treatment. I never found it hard attracting men but it's one thing meeting a new partner and *accidentally* getting pregnant or even, in the flush of new love, them agreeing to father a child but you have to be in a pretty committed relationship to ask them to stump up £4,000 and ejaculate into a paper cup so you can be a mother and I knew that time was running out.

FatVonD

Rachylou, I notice you are only thanking posts that are telling you what to hear, (I don't mean just me, i mean throughout and further up this page.) You asked for people's experiences yet are sticking your head in the sand about a very important aspect of it.

Bambywamby

I had my second child at the age of 39. I got pregnant 2nd cycle of trying.Pregnancy was a breeze (the indigestion from seven months onwards was not fun) and I had a C-section as wee one was breech, walking around within 8 hours and I was back at home 48 hours later. The pain killers and anti-inflammatories you are given these days are amazing.


I had my first child 20 years earlier at the age of 19. Pregnancy was fraught with stress, high blood pressure and I ended with an emergency C-section and a two week stint in hospital due to an infection. I couldn't get out of bed for five days, let alone walk.


For me, the pregnancy as an older mum was so much better. Having more wisdom, calmness and insight to deal with matters. I certainly felt more tired with the sleepless night's at 39... but other than that, older pregnancy and motherhood for me has been a total blessing.


Try and get yourself in the best position you can before conceiving; not smoking and drinking, eating well, ideal weight and find ways to relax. Whether TTC, pregnant or not, being relaxed and optimistic is the best place to be. xx

Lunar_Eclipse

Bambywamby wrote: »

Try and get yourself in the best position you can before conceiving; not smoking and drinking, eating well, ideal weight and find ways to relax. Whether TTC, pregnant or not, being relaxed and optimistic is the best place to be. xx

I also agree with all of this.

Additionally, I wouldn't take the contraceptive pill for a year before trying to get pregnant (I'd want to be sure all hormones were out of my body if I had the time) at the same time as starting on folic acid and probably a good multivitamin with iron since even the healthiest diet doesn't seem optimal.

Rachylou1981

Worry_Wart wrote: »

Rachylou just wanted to say sorry for causing so much confusion in your thread! I'm trying to keep out of it. We're both in the same situation just approaching things differently. I hope everything works out for you!

No worries. Good luck to you too

Rachylou1981

FatVonD wrote: »

Rachylou, I notice you are only thanking posts that are telling you what to hear, (I don't mean just me, i mean throughout and further up this page.) You asked for people's experiences yet are sticking your head in the sand about a very important aspect of it.

I am thanking everyone or at least trying to. I don't want to post saying 'Thank you' to every poster or I'd never be offline (maybe I should use the button ).

Correct me if I am wrong but I am not sticking my head in the sand about anything. I am not going to be trying for a baby until I am over 35 and nothing will change that at this stage. I have never said that this thread was to help me decide or waiver on that.

Rachylou1981

Bambywamby wrote: »

Try and get yourself in the best position you can before conceiving; not smoking and drinking, eating well, ideal weight and find ways to relax. Whether TTC, pregnant or not, being relaxed and optimistic is the best place to be. xx

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I also agree with all of this.

Additionally, I wouldn't take the contraceptive pill for a year before trying to get pregnant (I'd want to be sure all hormones were out of my body if I had the time) at the same time as starting on folic acid and probably a good multivitamin with iron since even the healthiest diet doesn't seem optimal.

Good advice. Certainly always watching my weight nowadays and eating better than I ever was. I have never smoked and my partner brings out the best in me stress-wise, I am a lot more calmer since I met him and don't sweat the small stuff.

Certainly not ready to come off the pill yet but will give it some thought.