Big age gap in relationship - experiences wanted

hazyjo

Dated someone 20 years older than me. It wasn't the age gap that split us up, it was the GF he'd lied about! Actually, they had a baby together a couple of years ago. He's mid-60s now. Goes running regularly, certainly fitter than me, and lots of charisma. One of the big loves of my life.


Lived with someone 15 years older than me. Again, not his age that sent me mental, just him lol. Age definitely never an issue.


My first husband was 7 years or so older than me. Several people thought he was my dad. He did look a LOT older than me, and I looked ridiculously young in my 20s/30s. I remember once when I was in hospital to have wisdom teeth removed and being really confused about them telling me my dad had called to see how I was cos I knew he'd never have picked the phone up to ring. Pieced it together later lol.


State of mind's what's important. So long as you like doing the same things, it doesn't matter.


Yes, you do risk the older one getting ill/dying before you. But I'd rather have less happy years with someone I love than wait for someone nearer my own age to come along. My friend's in her mid-40s and her husband slightly younger. He had a massive stroke a couple of years ago and is still recovering and in and out of hospital with 24/7 carers. Someone has to look after him if she leaves the house. You just never know...


Jx

Wantobeasaver

Had to make sure I hadn't written OP's post myself!!

I'm in a relationship with someone 14 years my senior. I too look young for my age (late 20's but most people think I'm early 20's)

I would say the looks/comments bother him more than me... after all I just think there are probably lots of people are jealous of those who can pull younger partners

It is difficult as we are in different phases of our lives...I know his previous partners were more ahead in their careers/financially secure than me...I do worry I'm holding him back on this but saying that there's plenty of 30-40 years who are in a similar boat to me (temping).

Funnily enough, he's a very healthy person and he's had to look after me through an operation, so I don't really think about that aspect!

Gloomendoom

Having an substantial age gap seems to run in my family and, in the wider perspective, I don't think it has ever been that uncommon, although I'm not old enough to remember the middle ages. My grandad (born 19th century) was more than ten years older than my grandma, my father is more than ten years older than my mother and I'm more than ten years older than Mrs G.

anotheruser

1) You're an adult now. Your parents must accept your decision. It's up to them how they deal with it.

2) Are you yearning after this guy because he has been "sweet" and "gentlemanly"? While I wouldn't want to suggest he's a rebound, do you really like him or the idea of being with him? Two very different things.

3) His kids won't like it. You're seen as the target for whatever happened between him and his now ex-wife/partner. Being their age, they will never see you as a mother figure and you shouldn't try to play that role - EVER.

4) It's understandable that you may feel un-wanted and un-sexy from what has happened with your ex, but that doesn't mean you should feel that the only person who would want you is the new guy. He may be giving you attention now, but in doing so, you're not seeing attention that may come from someone else.

5) Think about when he gets much older. While love is great, are you setting yourself up for a lot more heartache later on in life? Then perhaps you will struggle to find some else, or end up being lonely.

6) Stop worrying about what other people think and do. People stare because it's fairly unusual. Start by waving at them; it'll give you a bit of a laugh and make them feel bad for staring.

7) You need to think about family. If he doesn't want any more kids and you do, there's a problem that will probably never be rectified. Yes, it;s early days of the relationship but you must think now otherwise you may spend 5+ years with this guy and be left on the shelf.


Good luck in your choices.

onlyroz

AmyTurtle wrote: »

Yes, they did have lots of good times, but the fact remains you are more likely to become a carer to your partner if they are significantly older than you. That may bother some people more than others. I have only admiration for those who do it, but having cared for my grandmother and mother over the years, I hope I never have to it for my partner (of course I would though, if necessary).

The chances of becoming a carer are equally likely - the difference is how old *you* will be if your partner ever requires care. You could argue that it's easier to be a carer if you're reasonably spritely yourself.

As it stands, I have benefitted from my husband's age because he was already financially secure and a property owner when I met him, and was able to be comfortable when living on my pittance of a PhD grant. And he will benefit from my youth because he'll be able to retire early as I'll still be working age and can cover all the household bills on my salary.

Gloomendoom

onlyroz wrote: »

And he will benefit from my youth because he'll be able to retire early as I'll still be working age and can cover all the household bills on my salary.

Mrs G is using the same argument to badger me into retiring early.

itsanne

onlyroz wrote: »

The chances of becoming a carer are equally likely - the difference is how old *you* will be if your partner ever requires care. You could argue that it's easier to be a carer if you're reasonably spritely yourself.

As it stands, I have benefitted from my husband's age because he was already financially secure and a property owner when I met him, and was able to be comfortable when living on my pittance of a PhD grant. And he will benefit from my youth because he'll be able to retire early as I'll still be working age and can cover all the household bills on my salary.

You might get to the point where you'd rather compromise on that so you both retire around the same time, with him working a bit longer and you retiring earlier than you would have done otherwise. That's what we ended up doing. It's good to have the time together when you're both fit and healthy.

Bluebell68

Mojisola wrote: »

My Mum worked with a woman who was in a similar situation - she was complaining that her elderly husband was practically housebound while she was still relatively young and active and was regretting marrying him.

My wise Mum pointed out to her that another colleague had a husband the same age as her who had MS - his life was also very restricted and his wife was a carer as well as a wife - so it wasn't a situation restricted to age.

I totally agree with what you say my husband is now my carer as I have MS
nothing do with age I am 18mths older than him together since in school

j.e.j.

Judi wrote: »

If I was the older woman I feel like I would have to apologise to his family and friends for the big age gap. The word 'Cougar' doesn't spring to mind but 'Cradle Snatcher' does.

In the case of the couple whose wedding I went to, I would say the phrase 'trophy wife' would also fit..

It is ridiculous if I am honest, one wanting to start a family while the other is out playing golf and doing the things that nearly-retired 60-something men do.

In the OP's case I would suggest she might be on the rebound, as it all started with him comforting her and 'being a friend' to her after the last bloke did the dirty on her. I may be wrong, of course. You can never really tell someone's situation just from a few paragraphs on a forum.

onlyroz

itsanne wrote: »

You might get to the point where you'd rather compromise on that so you both retire around the same time, with him working a bit longer and you retiring earlier than you would have done otherwise. That's what we ended up doing. It's good to have the time together when you're both fit and healthy.

Well at the moment we're trying to figure out if we can afford for hubby to retire at 55 (3 years time) using his pension lump sum to pay off a large chunk of the mortgage. That would leave us mortgage-free in around 10 years, possibly less. As for when I can retire - I can't see it being possible until at least the kids have left school and/or gone through uni (another 15 years or so) - but I don't see the need to plan that far ahead. My main priority is for him to have some time to get enjoyment out of life while he's still healthy, because he's been stuck in a job he hates for the last 10 years, and it's slowly been driving him potty.