Big age gap in relationship - experiences wanted

rocketqueen

Hi everyone.

Incase any one remembers me I'll just give a bit of background, me and my husband split up early last year after I found out he'd been having an affair etc. It's been a rough year but it's all come good in the end.

Though all the bad times a guy at work has been there for me as a shoulder to cry on etc (he'd been there for me before this too purely as a friend NEVER anything more) over time my feelings for him have grown and a few months ago we started to have a relationship. The only problem is he's a "bit" older then me 20 years in fact. This doesn't matter to us at all, but other people don't seem to see it that way. I look young for my age anyway which doesn't help and we quite often get starred at where ever we go etc, his kids didn't take it particulary well as they are same age as me.

My main issue is I haven't told my family about it yet as I know my mum is going to go up the wall, as he is older then she is. I know it's none of her business really and I'm so happy which is the important thing.

Just wondered if anyone had any experiences of this kind of issue that they wanted to share?

Errata

I look young for my age anyway which doesn't help and we quite often get starred at where ever we go etc,

Assuming you mean stared at, why on earth do you think people are staring at you? It's hardly unusual to see two people of opposite genders and different generations out together.

fivetide

Errata wrote: »

Assuming you mean stared at, why on earth do you think people are staring at you? It's hardly unusual to see two people of opposite genders and different generations out together.

This.


Has he got an extra head or something?


Hardly uncommon, I suspect you are too concerned by it. Live life, have fun.

Mojisola

rocketqueen wrote: »

The only problem is he's a "bit" older then me 20 years in fact. This doesn't matter to us at all, but other people don't seem to see it that way. I look young for my age anyway which doesn't help and we quite often get starred at where ever we go etc, his kids didn't take it particulary well as they are same age as me.

My main issue is I haven't told my family about it yet as I know my mum is going to go up the wall, as he is older then she is. I know it's none of her business really and I'm so happy which is the important thing.

It's good you're both happy.

Is the relationship strong enough to withstand on-going pressure from his children and your family?

dandy-candy

My husband if 9 years older than me and it wasn't a problem until this last year. Now he is fifty he is getting very over weight, his joints ache, his knee has popped and won't get better, the pain means he can't do much in the bedroom and he's too grumpy and set in his ways to seriously diet. As much a s I love my hubby and will stay with him, if I had known how this would turn out I would have stuck to boyfriends my own age. I Will honestly tell my daughter to not marry a man with this age gap.
I have a friend who's husband is twenty years older and they split when he got to 60. He was always fit and active, But he became such a crotchety old misery and they hadn't had sex for nearly ten years. I seriously don't recommend it.

Mojisola

dandy-candy wrote: »

My husband if 9 years older than me and it wasn't a problem until this last year. Now he is fifty he is getting very over weight, his joints ache, his knee has popped and won't get better, the pain means he can't do much in the bedroom and he's too grumpy and set in his ways to seriously diet.

Him being overweight, etc, has nothing to do with his age!

browneyedbazzi

I don't think couples with an age gap are that unusual now.

My aunt married her high school science teacher (she was 17 when they got together, he would have been late 30s) and they're still together now over 40 years later. Oddly enough, the big issue for them was that it was an interracial relationship - I don't think anyone was phased by the age difference or the fact that he was a teacher which would make headlines now!

I also have a friend who is in her late 20s whose mum got together with one of her school friends after separating from her father. I think it was difficult for the children to adjust to but they have done and the couple have been together (seemingly happily) for years.

As for people staring when you are out - I wonder if they really do stare or if you may be hypersensitive about how you look as a couple and interpret every glance/person looking as 'staring'.

scubaqueen

Depends on whether it's going to be a long term relationship. If it's not then enjoy every minute and don't bother with anyone else.
Note of caution about the future though, as I know a couple where there is a significant age gap(one is 15 years). The husband has been in a home for 7 years while his wife is reduced to visiting and he no longer recognises her most of the time which is heartbreaking.

Doesn't happen all the time, but think how you would feel to still be active and in your prime and be in a similar situation which in my opinion is worse than being widowed. Reason I say this is because you no longer have the man you love, but still have a responsibility to care for his shell.

This all sounds very negative but I do hope that you are enjoying the relationship you currently have and make an informed decision about the future.

Mojisola

scubaqueen wrote: »

Note of caution about the future though, as I know a couple where there is a significant age gap(one is 15 years). The husband has been in a home for 7 years while his wife is reduced to visiting and he no longer recognises her most of the time which is heartbreaking.

My Mum worked with a woman who was in a similar situation - she was complaining that her elderly husband was practically housebound while she was still relatively young and active and was regretting marrying him.

My wise Mum pointed out to her that another colleague had a husband the same age as her who had MS - his life was also very restricted and his wife was a carer as well as a wife - so it wasn't a situation restricted to age.

tattycath

My ex is over 20 years older than me. He was twice my age when we met. We got stared at sometimes too. Some people are like that. One man even asked if we were father and daughter!
We were together for 10 years. The problem for us was that I grew up and he was set in his ways. He didn't have any children before we met.
We split up after 10 years.
I'm of the opinion that life is too short and if you make each other happy-go for it. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. If you try it and it doesn't work put it down to experience-better to try than to regret not going for it if it is what you both want.

January20

I fear the problems mentioned in the above posts could happen even if you married somebody the same age: they could still grow fat, lose interest in the bedroom and end up in a home for many years!

I think you are very sensitive to the age gap OP and therefore are seeing a problem where there isn't one ie people staring at you in the street. As for his children and your mother, it's none of their business really but you could speak to your respective relative, discuss their fear and allay their concerns.