Big age gap in relationship - experiences wanted

Gavin83

rocketqueen wrote: »

Hi everyone.

Incase any one remembers me I'll just give a bit of background, me and my husband split up early last year after I found out he'd been having an affair etc. It's been a rough year but it's all come good in the end.

Though all the bad times a guy at work has been there for me as a shoulder to cry on etc (he'd been there for me before this too purely as a friend NEVER anything more) over time my feelings for him have grown and a few months ago we started to have a relationship. The only problem is he's a "bit" older then me 20 years in fact. This doesn't matter to us at all, but other people don't seem to see it that way. I look young for my age anyway which doesn't help and we quite often get starred at where ever we go etc, his kids didn't take it particulary well as they are same age as me.

My main issue is I haven't told my family about it yet as I know my mum is going to go up the wall, as he is older then she is. I know it's none of her business really and I'm so happy which is the important thing.

Just wondered if anyone had any experiences of this kind of issue that they wanted to share?

How old are you (or he) out of interest?

I've seen first hand the difficulties that age gaps can bring. There's a couple in my family with a large age gap (17 years) and while it was fine in the younger years the age gap is becoming more noticeable. Now in her 50's she has virtually become a carer for her older husband and is living in sheltered housing. Of course, this might not bother some people. However I consider a persons 50's to be enjoyed with the children having left and a new lease of life. Of course an accident could happen but your increasing your chances of being a carer young with an older partner. You'll also have the knowledge that you'll likely end up a young widow.

Of course if this is just a fling enjoy yourself but if your looking at the long term its something to consider. Don't worry about what others think though.

tea_lover

themull1 wrote: »

I didn't know that there was a set period where you couldn't have a life after a breakup? Everyones different. My husband left me in the January, met my next husband in the July after three months on a dating website. Life is far too short to sit around moping!!

Exactly! My best friend met her lovely husband (and father of her two adorable children) a couple of weeks after ending a 6 year relationship.

VestanPance

Judi wrote: »

My sister in law married a man 9 years older than her. Whilst she wants to watch action movies on telly he feasts on cowboys and Indians he's 71 shes 60. I have a friend who is 15 years younger than her husband. He's 55 and gets too tired for sex where she is gagging for it.

I just suppose you have to be super compatible though I wouldn't want to be with anyone older than myself.

Erm...............

AmyTurtle

My grandad is is his mid 80s while his wife is only just 70. He had a severe stroke over a decade ago now and she has been his carer ever since as he is wheeelchair bound and most of the time bed bound. Her life is a drudge really, he is now quite senile too and she is by her own admission pretty miserable (she probably didn't expect this when at 17 she started a relationship with a married man in his 30s with 4 kids!!).

I've had relationships with men older than me and it was fine as I was in my early 20s and they were mid-late 30s, but I don't think I'd want to be 50 with a 70 odd year old husband to be honest! Although the real issue with both relationships was they both had children - I would date an older guy again but I wouldn't date someone with children again, more hassle than it's worth IMO.

Mirno

I am 18 years younger than my girlfriend. We've been going out for a year and a bit. One of her children (5 years younger than me) is a bit put out by it, but the rest are fine. She was nervous about meeting my parents, and how they would react - but it was all fine.

I am planning on being with her for as long as possible, the only way it affects me compared to other relationships is financially. I would like to be able to retire/cut down on work when I'm in my 50s so we can enjoy her retirement properly. So I will be saving a little more than perhaps I would have otherwise.

Things like wanting kids or not could be an issue - but I've never wanted them, and she's had hers already.

System

VestanPance wrote: »

Erm...............

oh yeah silly me. I cant count.:D

dandelionclock30

I cant see people staring to be honest, if they really thought about it they would probably think he was your Dad.
I think in the short term do what you want but don't get lumbered with him because as you get older it will be increasingly like being stuck with an old man whilst your still young.
Really you would be better off with someone your own age. Unless of course hes very, very rich.

bugslet

Mr Bugs was 23 years older than me and we were together 28 years.

Yes he was ill for three years and went into a care home for the last year, but that doesn't take away from the good times.

If you are happy, go with the flow.

marisco_2

rocketqueen wrote: »

My main issue is I haven't told my family about it yet as I know my mum is going to go up the wall, as he is older then she is.

That is your mums issue to deal with. Considering all you have been through, and that you have had the strength to pull yourself through to a happy future, your mums focus should be on how happy and compatible you are with this new guy. Not on his age.

Be who you are and do what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Ozzuk

I've been in relationships with girls 12 and 9 years older than me, and also 9 years the other way a few times. It seems more acceptable for older guy/younger girl as we guys supposedly get better with age but I don't really put much stock in that. My preference is younger, purely because I haven't ruled out a family (I'm 39) and I think I'm quite young 'for my age'.

However, it seems to be bothering you so yes despite what people say it is an issue. You need to think if you are really happy with the difference and if you are then it really doesn't matter what others say. If you have nagging doubts (as I did, both times) then you will be more sensitive to others opinion and more on the look out for issues.

It is just a number, it can work, it can fail, you can meet someone exact same age and it be the relationship from hell. Just be honest with yourself, is it your hang up? Are you happy? Is he forever guy?

Good luck!