Gay relationship advice

busiscoming2

GET RID OF HIM! Do it now otherwise you will probably regret it. Do you want to be treading on eggshells for the rest of your life?

System

As i have realised tonight (after ending a LDR neither of us were happy in), life is far too short to be unhappy. We'd only been together 3 month but we were facing insurmountable issues and it was never going to get any better. Its not easy, i know, but you have to put yourself first cos he sure as hell isn't.

DUTR

awolo1 wrote: »

70 miles is about a 1.5 hour drive, the distance hasn't been an issue per se.

What has been the issue is that because of recent heated discussions/arguments with him accusing me of not being open and honest (which is completely not the case) it has made me realise that he takes me for grantid of turning up at his door step.


In my opinion, if I drive 70 miles to see him, he should be happy to see me and should make every effort within his power to show me that he respects me for doing that and he doesn't.

so I have told him today that i will not be able to do all the driving now, to which he has spat out his dummy and he has been 'off' with me all day, this morning he tried to make me feel guilty about it because he said I had changed from wanting to do the driving to not.

He called me and I expressed the fuel costs and time and effort and he said that he had bills to pay like tax, new wheels and car insurance - I said I have debts to pay AND petrol?!? Only then did he offer something towards the petrol for the first time ever.

Fact is, I give 120% effort and didn't complain about the driving until I realised what kind of person he was, now I have started to become firmer if you like and he doesn't like it.

Oh, and If I am late by 15 minutes, he will flip and accuse me of being a liar for being late. We have had arguments (initiated by him) because I have been late. He doesn't understand that the m6 has traffic, particularly towards stafford with the average speed limit of 50mp/h

Sounds like your man is from Manchester, anyways I agree the M6 is not the most predicatable to travel along (I got caught up in that delay on the M42 yesterday) , I really think you should just let this guy go.
The way I run LDR is if they visit, I treat and If I visit then they treat.
We see from other threads that people don't always react the way we would hope for our efforts, I'm of the attitude 'why do something for nothing when I can do nothing for nothing', a rubbish relationship is always worse than not having one at all, especially when the other person can be unreliable and you cannot depend on their presence. Trying to please someone else is often a fast way for your own confidence to be dented badly.

awolo1

Mojisola wrote: »

Why would you go round the corner to meet up with this man- let alone drive 70 miles to see him?:(

because like bigaunty rightly guessed, it's difficult to find somebody as it is, and i did feel at one point that he could give me what I want, and i thought he was the best I could get. it's only now I am realising what he is like.

I am seriously considering whether to end it.

awolo1

he has today advised me that he doesn't want to see me for three days. this is after I have made it clear to him that I want him to start making an effort to come and visit me.

his point in all of this is that everytime we have discussed my debts, I have given him a different figure. however, I have always tried to be honest and open and the figure has changed by POUNDS, not hundreds of pounds.

I assured him and I wouldn't do this for most people, that I would pay it off by march, but he seems to be so het up over what is essentially a small amount of debt that was born before he even came on the scene.


he wanted to see my method in managing my finances because he somehow came to the assumption that I could not manage my finances. This is a very steep assumption to make given that we have only known each other for three months.

So the latest is...he wants space...he is being quiet/off with me...and yeah, it's all my fault basically.

purpleshoes_2

awolo1 wrote: »

70 miles is about a 1.5 hour drive, the distance hasn't been an issue per se.

What has been the issue is that because of recent heated discussions/arguments with him accusing me of not being open and honest (which is completely not the case) it has made me realise that he takes me for grantid of turning up at his door step.


In my opinion, if I drive 70 miles to see him, he should be happy to see me and should make every effort within his power to show me that he respects me for doing that and he doesn't.

so I have told him today that i will not be able to do all the driving now, to which he has spat out his dummy and he has been 'off' with me all day, this morning he tried to make me feel guilty about it because he said I had changed from wanting to do the driving to not.

He called me and I expressed the fuel costs and time and effort and he said that he had bills to pay like tax, new wheels and car insurance - I said I have debts to pay AND petrol?!? Only then did he offer something towards the petrol for the first time ever.

Fact is, I give 120% effort and didn't complain about the driving until I realised what kind of person he was, now I have started to become firmer if you like and he doesn't like it.

Oh, and If I am late by 15 minutes, he will flip and accuse me of being a liar for being late. We have had arguments (initiated by him) because I have been late. He doesn't understand that the m6 has traffic, particularly towards stafford with the average speed limit of 50mp/h

As I said before, stay with this man and you'll have a miserable life, you might as well get a t shirt with doormat printed on it, because that is exactly how he's treating you.

Relationships should not be this miserable a few months in, take the advice of everyone on this thread and give him his marching orders and find someone who will treat you with respect.

System

awolo1 wrote: »

he has today advised me that he doesn't want to see me for three days. this is after I have made it clear to him that I want him to start making an effort to come and visit me.

his point in all of this is that everytime we have discussed my debts, I have given him a different figure. however, I have always tried to be honest and open and the figure has changed by POUNDS, not hundreds of pounds.

I assured him and I wouldn't do this for most people, that I would pay it off by march, but he seems to be so het up over what is essentially a small amount of debt that was born before he even came on the scene.


he wanted to see my method in managing my finances because he somehow came to the assumption that I could not manage my finances. This is a very steep assumption to make given that we have only known each other for three months.

So the latest is...he wants space...he is being quiet/off with me...and yeah, it's all my fault basically.

I really do feel for you you;re in a difficult position. But can you hinestly say you happy? If you're not you need to think about that.

DUTR

awolo1 wrote: »

he has today advised me that he doesn't want to see me for three days. this is after I have made it clear to him that I want him to start making an effort to come and visit me.

his point in all of this is that everytime we have discussed my debts, I have given him a different figure. however, I have always tried to be honest and open and the figure has changed by POUNDS, not hundreds of pounds.

I assured him and I wouldn't do this for most people, that I would pay it off by march, but he seems to be so het up over what is essentially a small amount of debt that was born before he even came on the scene.


he wanted to see my method in managing my finances because he somehow came to the assumption that I could not manage my finances. This is a very steep assumption to make given that we have only known each other for three months.

So the latest is...he wants space...he is being quiet/off with me...and yeah, it's all my fault basically.

Let him have his 3 days, and then you have your 365+ days for yourself, it does seem odd that finances are discussed so early on in a relationship, why is he so concerned about your finances?

awolo1

busiscoming2 wrote: »

GET RID OF HIM! Do it now otherwise you will probably regret it. Do you want to be treading on eggshells for the rest of your life?

I often feel like I'm treading on egg shells

worrying that if I am late, I will be subject to irrational and sarcastic comments

He does it in front of his family members which I find somewhat belittling (he lives in a separate part of the house, but there is shared space where they can be together).

if I talk to somebody else or look at somebody, he will think that I am not interested in him


I am very affectionate with him and very open about my feelings and do wonderful and lovely things for him and work my !!!!!!!! off to make it happen...and he is just so..lardy dar....he just expects things to be put on a plate for him.


in december we went to a 5* star hotel in london, which cost a few bob, it was part of his xmas pressie and to get away from the usual crowd, and all he was interested in was : how I funded it, how much it cost.

During this weekend break away, I wasplaying a spotify playlist, he said he liked it and wanted to share it to him. so he went to my phone, (which I unlocked) and he shared the link to himself. In my phone, was a message (it was WEEKS old) from somebody who I used to talk to and he read the message. I have nothing on my phone to hide from him and I explained who this person was (bearing in mind we had only been seeing each other for two months at this stage), he said why was i talking to somebody else. This other person was somebody I used to talk to before my current partner (nothing ever happened) it was friends, if that.

He is so suspicious of me..constantly trying to find issues..over analysing every little thing..

I have few friends and told him if I got a new friend would he approve of it, he says yes, but I doubt it very much. If I sat there messaging this person he would FLIP.

purpleshoes_2

awolo1 wrote: »

I have been seeing somebody since October of last year and we have been enjoying life, spending time with friends, seeing a lot of each other, discussing future plans, what we want from life, planning trips and holidays.

We don't live round the corner from each other it is about 70 mile drive but as I live still at the family home, my parents aren't so keen on him staying because they say they don't know him enough, so we have made the decision that I will stay at his which involves the drive 3/4 times a week.

In his opinion, he doesn't see the point/effort in coming to visit me at my home because he can't stay over which I fully understand, but he misses the point that this may get him brownie points in the longer term enabling him to stay over. However he seems to "forget" about this point. I do find it frustrating because there is a lot to do where I live and because I work shifts, we often get full days off together both in the week and weekend to be able to spend time together.

It's worth mentioning that he also doesn't contribute or ever offer towards the cost of petrol which is about £200 per month, but I never complain about this, I know it's my decision to travel to see him, but If i didn't do the travelling, would he come and see me? His view on the travelling is that he did it with an ex partner (140 miles) and knows all about it. I get the impression that because he did it in a previous relationship and got so fed up with it, he is reluctant to do it for us.

The other issue I have is that we recently started discussing finances and he accuses me of not being open or honest, however I have argued the toss that I have been honest 100%, to which he agrees (so he is saying things wanting a reaction) and says that I haven't been 'OPEN' about my finances. I am about £6k in debt, but I didn't talk about it when we first met because it wasn't relevant. He assumed I was very well to do because of people I know in my industry and line of work -- however this is HIS assumption. He says I am cagey because I can't give granular information such as exact amounts on the cards, interest rates and that the total amount changes every time we talk about my debt.

I'm not 120% confident in discussing my finances with him because I feel that I am still getting to know him, but it seems it's all or nothing with him and that if I don't reveal the information ; he will not want to be with me. I had the ultimatum a few times this morning. He suffers from GAD (Generalised anxiety dissorder) so he tells me so I'm not sure if that can present itself an issue.


There was also an issue the other evening where I was so tired, I fell asleep without texting him good night. And he text me saying "hello?", "who you talking to?". the last message was exactly that: who you talking to. I felt that it was accusational and that he doesn't trust me, I told him I am not talking to anybody.

I am very open / honest with him about my feelings and often express how I care/feel for him, but he never expresses how he feels. It is fustrating because I can never fully understand how he feels about me. He says that I should wait and not prompt him when I've briefly mentioned it in the past.



He shouts in arguments, and can be quite nasty/vicious in the way he says thing. Also, this may be silly, but if I put my leg onto his side of the bed whilst asleep, I can be woken up by him pushing it away from him. He also doesn't like to share things and can be quite selfish.

This is quite the contrary when he wants to know the ins and outs of my finances and life in general (if I keep something a secret, he flips).

I feel that everything with him is going down the gutter, this morning he expressed how unhappy he was about me not disclosing information about my finances. I always keep my cool and have told him that I haven't been in a relationship before so I am learning everyday.

IS This normal?! Please can anybody with experience comment because it would be good to know what others think. What should I be doing?

I don't want to end it, but I feel that he blames me for everything and that I am the problem. It's quite the opposite, I feel like I am a pushover.

It's none of his bloody business the exact amount of money you owe and the interest on your credit cards.

You owe 6k and you are spending £200 a month on petrol to see him 3/4 times a week

Thats over 2 grand a year you could be putting to your debt, please get rid of this chancer and find someone else who doesn't treat you like something he wants to wipe his shoes on.