Gay relationship advice

awolo1

I have been seeing somebody since October of last year and we have been enjoying life, spending time with friends, seeing a lot of each other, discussing future plans, what we want from life, planning trips and holidays.

We don't live round the corner from each other it is about 70 mile drive but as I live still at the family home, my parents aren't so keen on him staying because they say they don't know him enough, so we have made the decision that I will stay at his which involves the drive 3/4 times a week.

In his opinion, he doesn't see the point/effort in coming to visit me at my home because he can't stay over which I fully understand, but he misses the point that this may get him brownie points in the longer term enabling him to stay over. However he seems to "forget" about this point. I do find it frustrating because there is a lot to do where I live and because I work shifts, we often get full days off together both in the week and weekend to be able to spend time together.

It's worth mentioning that he also doesn't contribute or ever offer towards the cost of petrol which is about £200 per month, but I never complain about this, I know it's my decision to travel to see him, but If i didn't do the travelling, would he come and see me? His view on the travelling is that he did it with an ex partner (140 miles) and knows all about it. I get the impression that because he did it in a previous relationship and got so fed up with it, he is reluctant to do it for us.

The other issue I have is that we recently started discussing finances and he accuses me of not being open or honest, however I have argued the toss that I have been honest 100%, to which he agrees (so he is saying things wanting a reaction) and says that I haven't been 'OPEN' about my finances. I am about £6k in debt, but I didn't talk about it when we first met because it wasn't relevant. He assumed I was very well to do because of people I know in my industry and line of work -- however this is HIS assumption. He says I am cagey because I can't give granular information such as exact amounts on the cards, interest rates and that the total amount changes every time we talk about my debt.

I'm not 120% confident in discussing my finances with him because I feel that I am still getting to know him, but it seems it's all or nothing with him and that if I don't reveal the information ; he will not want to be with me. I had the ultimatum a few times this morning. He suffers from GAD (Generalised anxiety dissorder) so he tells me so I'm not sure if that can present itself an issue.


There was also an issue the other evening where I was so tired, I fell asleep without texting him good night. And he text me saying "hello?", "who you talking to?". the last message was exactly that: who you talking to. I felt that it was accusational and that he doesn't trust me, I told him I am not talking to anybody.

I am very open / honest with him about my feelings and often express how I care/feel for him, but he never expresses how he feels. It is fustrating because I can never fully understand how he feels about me. He says that I should wait and not prompt him when I've briefly mentioned it in the past.



He shouts in arguments, and can be quite nasty/vicious in the way he says thing. Also, this may be silly, but if I put my leg onto his side of the bed whilst asleep, I can be woken up by him pushing it away from him. He also doesn't like to share things and can be quite selfish.

This is quite the contrary when he wants to know the ins and outs of my finances and life in general (if I keep something a secret, he flips).

I feel that everything with him is going down the gutter, this morning he expressed how unhappy he was about me not disclosing information about my finances. I always keep my cool and have told him that I haven't been in a relationship before so I am learning everyday.

IS This normal?! Please can anybody with experience comment because it would be good to know what others think. What should I be doing?

I don't want to end it, but I feel that he blames me for everything and that I am the problem. It's quite the opposite, I feel like I am a pushover.

Annisele

It doesn't matter if it's normal or not - though FWIW I don't think it is.

What matters is if the pair of you are happy. Although your opening line says you've been "enjoying life", the rest of your post sounds as though this guy is extremely hard work. He's nasty, selfish, shouts at you, says you're dishonest, and "flips" if you don't tell him something. Although you say he "never tells you how he feels", I'm not convinced that's true - it sounds as though he's telling you lots of things about how he feels, they're just not very complimentary things.

Either you've misrepresented things horribly in your post, or you deserve much better.

jaylee3

Agree with Annisele above. ^^^ I cannot even fathom why you are with this guy. He sounds controlling, narcissistic, selfish, and thoroughly unpleasant, and that he is not willing to make any effort with you, because HE has had the dirty done on him before.

I would tell him that from now on, you and he will have to take it in turns to visit each other. If he doesn't agree, then sorry but then that doesn't sound like he cares enough for you.

Vikipollard

No, it's not normal. It's controlling and it will not get better.


So he travelled before (apparently) for a previous relationship. So what? Your relationship is far to 'new' - he should be open to sharing travel and each other's homeland. But he isn't.


He won't share (I take it you mean personal information as well as 'his' side of the bed), yet gets diva-strop mardy because you don't tell him all your financial details. Why does he want to know this anyway? Fine if you are saving for a house or looking to live together, but three months in to a long distance relationship?


I would think long and hard about this relationship. At the very least, he'd be travelling up minimum once a week to where I lived if it was me. Inconvenient for him - possibly. But does he value the relationship enough to bother?

haras_nosirrah

not normal no

make your excuses and detach. He sounds incredibly controlling and that could turn into something sinister

He isn't making any effort to come and see you but expects you to do all the running and then shouts at you and belittles you.

Thank the lord you don't live together and find someone who will treat you better

Poppie68

He sounds abusive and controlling.....Walk away now relationships with people like this don't get better they get worse....
Can you speak to your parents about it, they seem like caring and sensible people...by being open with them it will make it easier to walk away.

haras_nosirrah

and you have only been together 3 months. This is the honeymoon period where it is supposed to be all sunshine and rainbows and enjoying getting to know each other better.

iammumtoone

doesn't sound normal to me, but I am not gay does my opinion matter?

I just wonder why you put gay relationship advise? does it matter -you are in a relationship, I can't see what different it makes how that relationship is formed. Are you only wanting answers from homosexuals?

awolo1

Vikipollard wrote: »

No, it's not normal. It's controlling and it will not get better.


So he travelled before (apparently) for a previous relationship. So what? Your relationship is far to 'new' - he should be open to sharing travel and each other's homeland. But he isn't.


He won't share (I take it you mean personal information as well as 'his' side of the bed), yet gets diva-strop mardy because you don't tell him all your financial details. Why does he want to know this anyway? Fine if you are saving for a house or looking to live together, but three months in to a long distance relationship?


I would think long and hard about this relationship. At the very least, he'd be travelling up minimum once a week to where I lived if it was me. Inconvenient for him - possibly. But does he value the relationship enough to bother?

We have had discussions about living together because in one way, we do want the same things from life, such as having a mortgage and a potential adoption of a child.

Whilst this isn't round the corner, I am now of the age where I want to have my own place and he is of the same opinion. Our finances conjoined are in excess of £90k per annum. I am an entrepreneurial person and have my fingers in a few pies, I know that 6k is actually a very low amount of debt in comparison to other people I know. I have committed myself to paying the debt off in the shortest time possible (end of march) but he accuses me of just saying that to shut him up.

Surely we 're financailly sound enough that 6k is only a dip in the option, and he can trust me to pay it off? My word should be enough.

We have enjoyed things most people would never get the chance to, and I just feel that he is taking me for a ride, takes me for grantid and because we have done those things, that it will continue and that I will continue to bend over backwards to please him (Excuse the pun).



But another example of his personality, I drive 70 miles to see him and when I arrive at his friends (to pick him up) he is sat on his ipad playing a jigsaw game and I had to prompt him to say "hello", or offer some kind of welcome and he shrugs his shoulders. Even his friend agreed with me and thought it was wrong.


I do at times feel that he is very controlling.

awolo1

iammumtoone wrote: »

doesn't sound normal to me, but I am not gay does my opinion matter?

I just wonder why you put gay relationship advise? does it matter -you are in a relationship, I can't see what different it makes how that relationship is formed. Are you only wanting answers from homosexuals?

I put gay relationship advice to perhaps attract people in the same boat, but no sexuality doesn't matter here, like you say, it's a relationship and it happens regardless.

Scottie_dog

Hey OP, you sound like a lovely, geniune person who has met someone who is not quite right for you. Sometimes people can take advantage of a person and it seems that your partner is taking advantage of you. The world is a big place and you will find someone more suited to you.