Gay relationship advice

BigAunty

awolo1 wrote: »

he often likes me to give him advance warning of when I will be staying over so he can plan it with his rota, which is fine - but how do I explain to him that I want him to start making the effort to come and see me, because I honestly feel that in doing this

1) he will question why
2) get his back up
3) express concerns with doing so
4) reduce the amount of times we see each other
5) tell me what I already know that he can't stay

He prefers to get his own way, he knows how to get his own way, he is dedicated to getting his own way, he know every trick in the book to ensure he puts himself first.. It doesn't matter what subject you try to discuss, he is the King of Getting What he Wants.

He will have an enormous repetoire of tactics - pressure, sulking, abuse (even flattery and remorse if that gets him a good enough result). You will never win an argument because he is always right.

This is why you're only barely realising how selfish and insulting he is towards you, the way your time and money is seen as expendable while his is precious beyond all measure.

He's managed to actually get you to plan buying a house and having a child despite showing enormous warning signs about his poor relationship and social skills....

Go and cast your mind back to all the times he has humiliated you, all the times you've had to subsidise him and all the times he's rejected your suggestions. Then consider all the times you've been kind to him.

easilydistracted

I share everyone's views about the relationship. As an additional point, adopting a child involves parenting traumatised children who need parents with extreme amounts of resilience and endless healthy coping skills. It also thankfully involves an in depth assessment process. I would sincerely hope that your boyfriend would not get through even initial checks. Perhaps it's healthier to see that being with a man like this is holding you back from adoption one day in the future rather than getting you closer.

I would also suggest that he would a complete nightmare to try and share financial responsibilites such as a credit rating and mortgage with.

And no, it's not normal. However also what is really important is that you sound distressed, confused and rejected by his behaviour. That's enough reason to not be with someone, rather than focusing on comparing yourself to imaginary other couples.

I would think about trying to spend time with people that make you happy and treat you decently. (And as a side note spend the fuel money on paying off your debt before it spirals! )

Very well summed up by the previous poster I cross-posted with.

bagpussbear

Gay relationship or non-gay relationship, this isn't normal behaviour.

It sounds controlling.

When I met my now hubby, we lived 70miles apart, and although he did do more travelling to see me (more really because he drove and I didn't) I did come to see him on the train twice a month, and then helped him out a little on the petrol when he was coming more. It's only fair when there is a distance involved.

The needing to know the intimate details of your finance, when you have only been seeing each other for such little time, would irritate me.

What is it about him that makes you happy?

I wonder if it might be worth backing off a little, and seeing if he makes the effort to come and see you more.

I'm not sensing this is going to be a happy ending for you OP, unless there are some compromises on his part, sorry.

awolo1

bagpussbear wrote: »

Gay relationship or non-gay relationship, this isn't normal behaviour.

It sounds controlling.

When I met my now hubby, we lived 70miles apart, and although he did do more travelling to see me (more really because he drove and I didn't) I did come to see him on the train twice a month, and then helped him out a little on the petrol when he was coming more. It's only fair when there is a distance involved.

The needing to know the intimate details of your finance, when you have only been seeing each other for such little time, would irritate me.

What is it about him that makes you happy?

I wonder if it might be worth backing off a little, and seeing if he makes the effort to come and see you more.

I'm not sensing this is going to be a happy ending for you OP, unless there are some compromises on his part, sorry.

You're right. I am going to back off. I am going to be a lot firmer and see how he reacts. If it doesn't change or.stop then I will end it.

I like him because he makes me feel a part of his life but equally he is at the same time controlling and all the other things mentioned previously

I don't have many friends and I think this is something he takes advantage of

If I spoke to a friend on WhatsApp in his company I couldn't dream of the way he would react...

krlyr

awolo1 wrote: »

If I spoke to a friend on WhatsApp in his company I couldn't dream of the way he would react...

Don't back off, run away, fast!

If it's any help, my OH has anxiety and a lot of this manifests in terms of finances. However, he was the one doing most of the driving to see me when we were dating (I own two dogs - made it difficult to stay at his too often), he was always buying groceries as a way to contribute to staying over wtith me, and even now we live together and own our house together, he doesn't make me do anything about my finances. We both choose to overpay the mortgage but if I ever said I wanted to spend my excess money on something else this month, he'd have no problem with it.

Even just one of your points about him would have be worried, let alone all of them combined.

Errata

Stop tiptoeing around him on eggshells and start walking away.

Kynthia

3-6 months into a new relationship is when you should take stock and think about how things are going now that you know the person a little better and whether they are someone you really want a relationship with. If not then you either discuss it if the issues are small and fixable or end it. There's no need to continue a relationship that has massive flaws this early on.


Being with someone should make both of your lives better. Both of you should be looking to put the other first many times and make them happy, which means that because both of you are doing this you are both prioritised and made to feel special. Does he ever do this?

FBaby

I think he just isn't that much into and I think you are giving each other quite contradicting message. From your perspective, you are clearly making it clear you are looking for commitment, yet seem to get a bit cagey when he starts asking more detailed information. Personally, if I was starting to discuss long term commitment with someone (whatever the stage of the relationship), I would also want to know asap if there are issues with them managing their money as this would be a big no no from the start (whether in debts or not).

As for him, I think he is giving you wrong vibes, letting you believe he wants more from the relationship when his behaviour clearly shows he isn't that committed.

It's worth mentioning that he also doesn't contribute or ever offer towards the cost of petrol which is about £200 per month

I think these two lines say it all. If he enjoyed your company that much, he would make the effort to come to you too, regardless of arrangements. If he really cared, he would also show his appreciation for you making all the efforts to get together and would as a minimum be the one suggesting that he paid half.

I really think you should think about moving on as indeed, this doesn't sound like what you would expect of a developing 3 months relationship.

Pollycat

I would sit down and have a read through your first post.

Then read it again.

Then ask yourself what advice you would give to a friend in your situation.

Then say 'Bye' to him.

awolo1

Thanks to everybody has given input

Update.

Last night I told him that I wanted him to.come and see me. Since saying this he has done exactly what I thought he would do.

Questioned it and been very short with me

He did say he respects my decision

I was nice about the way I said things but worded it that the debts need paying so I will.have to.be careful with the money.

He asked why and I explained again, to which he said he was going to sleep during the conversation