Gay relationship advice

awolo1

Vikipollard wrote: »

No, it's not normal. It's controlling and it will not get better.


So he travelled before (apparently) for a previous relationship. So what? Your relationship is far to 'new' - he should be open to sharing travel and each other's homeland. But he isn't.


He won't share (I take it you mean personal information as well as 'his' side of the bed), yet gets diva-strop mardy because you don't tell him all your financial details. Why does he want to know this anyway? Fine if you are saving for a house or looking to live together, but three months in to a long distance relationship?


I would think long and hard about this relationship. At the very least, he'd be travelling up minimum once a week to where I lived if it was me. Inconvenient for him - possibly. But does he value the relationship enough to bother?

He is fairly open with me if I asked him questions, but I don't tend to because like somebody else commented, it has only been three/four months and I have a fairly good summary of his financial position, but at this stage, I want to have fun and a laugh with him and get to know him.

He takes everything literally and is extremely sensitive and will flip at the flick of a switch. I feel like I am often walking on egg shells.

In march we are going to stay with some friends in carlisle (all funded by myself) yet there is no consideration of the hard work that has gone into paying for it. Seems to me like he will pick and choose the right moments to have a go almost.

I feel a mug.

Rambosmum

Get out, get out now.

He is manipulative, controlling, aggressive. GET OUT. This is the slippery slope to domestic abuse. All relationships have the potential for abuse - gay ones, straight ones and even platonic ones.

He's making you do all the running, he isn't listening to your point of view, he's being grumpy/ shouty/ demanding. It doesn't sound good.

Good luck.

dancingfairy

What would you tell your best mate in the same situation? Is that the sort of relationship you would want for them?
It sounds like you are in a relationship because you want to settle down, have kids, etc and fear the clock is ticking and you're settling for what you can rather than because it is the right relationship for you.
After 3 months, it doesn't sound like it has solid foundations. If he's not willing to travel and is rude etc now, when he's still in the getting to you phase, what will he be like in the future when he's not making an effort?
df
p.s He appears to be wanting you for the company/sex but I'm not sure he's long term material. You can do better, I'm sure.

awolo1

Heres another one to throw in the mix:#

In april his friend is having a party for her birthday, she will be 30 something, and i've been invited. i initially agreed to taking off work four days so I could attend because I was in a permanent role.

I have recently started contracting (because of issues with the last job) so two days are unpaid, and two as rest days. I also have to pay to go to her birthday weekend because there is a requirement to stay in accomodation. I explained that the cost to me will be a big hit and I explained this to my partner and he instantly told me that I was messing people around and needed to tell everybody what I was doing as it would affect the price others would have to pay.

This wasn't my fault and is just life, stuff happens and I couldn't help it.
I did in the end manage to get the four days off, still two days are unpaid, but i feel like I have to cowtow to his every need otherwise he will spit out his dummy.

The way he went about it was totally over the top and unreasonable. It made me upset and feel like he wasn't suppportive. I had to beg and explain on numerous occasions how contracting worked (bearing in mind that this is the type of person who will GOOGLE everything if he doesn't know) and has a fairly high IQ.

BigAunty

It's good that you feel enough discomfort to feel something is amiss and to reach out for advice. Trust your instincts. Your relationship is out of balance at the very least. You are not matched in outlook/personality and the distance doesn't help.

Quite a few months or years down the line, your self esteem might be totally shredded and your horizons completely shut-down with him perhaps gaining even more control over your emotions and finances, plus limiting access to friends and family more than he already does in the way he refuses to mix with your family or come to your area.

Can you imagine how your confidence will be eroded after being brought to account for your time, money, actions, and thoughts on multiple occasions every time you meet but, because of smart phones and social media, be pulled up by electronic messages thousands of times, too?

Read up on any domestic abuse site (same sex, against men by women, against women by men) and you will find identical issues. See what they outline as unhealthy behaviour. It includes things like being verbally abusive, controlling, disrespectful, frequent criticism and so on. There is often a financially abusive element, too.

Many people think that domestic abuse is only when a man physically assaults a woman but that's not the legal definition - it's about a pattern of behaviour that undermines the other partner. They are generally manipulative and know how to exploit a person's vulnerabilities.

There is no excuse (not even GAD) - he can choose to be kind, affectionate and respectful but isn't. You will later meet someone much more on your wavelength.

Vikipollard

awolo1 wrote: »

He is fairly open with me if I asked him questions, but I don't tend to because like somebody else commented, it has only been three/four months and I have a fairly good summary of his financial position, but at this stage, I want to have fun and a laugh with him and get to know him.

He takes everything literally and is extremely sensitive and will flip at the flick of a switch. I feel like I am often walking on egg shells.

In march we are going to stay with some friends in carlisle (all funded by myself) yet there is no consideration of the hard work that has gone into paying for it. Seems to me like he will pick and choose the right moments to have a go almost.

I feel a mug.

Rambosmum wrote: »

Get out, get out now.

He is manipulative, controlling, aggressive. GET OUT. This is the slippery slope to domestic abuse. All relationships have the potential for abuse - gay ones, straight ones and even platonic ones.

He's making you do all the running, he isn't listening to your point of view, he's being grumpy/ shouty/ demanding. It doesn't sound good.

Good luck.

^^^ This. Rambosmum has it in a nutshell. I think you know this is true, hence the post in the first place, but would like it not to be the case.


At the very least, let him do the running about for a couple of weeks. If he can't be a*sed, or goes off on one about it, then it should be shrieking louder than Katy Perry at the Superbowl how much - or little - you mean to him.

ognum

OP, all this make me wonder what you think is going on, what the rest of us say is neither here nor there.

You clearly feel uncomfortable, you should go with your gut. What you are looking for I assume is a loving relationship and someone who can also get on with our family and friends.

Just maybe your parents have a feeling about this guy and that is why they don't want home too involved with your home and family.

I think I would reflect long and hard if this is the type o relationship you want?

awolo1

Vikipollard wrote: »

^^^ This. Rambosmum has it in a nutshell. I think you know this is true, hence the post in the first place, but would like it not to be the case.


At the very least, let him do the running about for a couple of weeks. If he can't be a*sed, or goes off on one about it, then it should be shrieking louder than Katy Perry at the Superbowl how much - or little - you mean to him.

he often likes me to give him advance warning of when I will be staying over so he can plan it with his rota, which is fine - but how do I explain to him that I want him to start making the effort to come and see me, because I honestly feel that in doing this

1) he will question why
2) get his back up
3) express concerns with doing so
4) reduce the amount of times we see each other
5) tell me what I already know that he can't stay

Poppie68

Both of you wanting mortgages and adopting kids is great......but there will be others out there that want that too....You are not in a unique relationship by both wanting the same things but you are in an abusive one. .You obviously know this otherwise you wouldn't be on here now.....
He has obviously got issues and so very early in a relationship just think what's yet to come....
If I could give you a good shake I would.....Now go and speak to your parents or a friend and ask them to shake you instead.

BigAunty

awolo1 wrote: »

... we do want the same things from life, such as ... a potential adoption of a child.

.

You want to expose a vulnerable child (because that's what you generally get when you adopt in the UK) to a person who is cruel to you and rips you off? How would a child feel if the parent barely looked up from their Ipad and was constantly put down.

The adoption process interrogates every aspect of your life and can take up to a year. A good social worker would probably identify your toxic relationship.

Why are you discussing huge commitments like mortgages and children with someone who can't be bothered to visit your family or pay towards shared travel costs?

awolo1 wrote: »

Surely we 're financailly sound enough that 6k is only a dip in the option, and he can trust me to pay it off? My word should be enough.

.

Thing is, its none of his business. Your debts are your own. The solution you choose, the rate it is paid back, isn't up to him. If he's as mercenary as you make out, he probably resents that you don't have even more disposable income to splurge on him because of these commitments.

On a practical note, go to the Debt Free wanabee board and the guys there will help you come up with a strategy (one suited to your situation, not your partners!). Debt and a poor credit record can seriously affect your mortgage lending plans.