Gay relationship advice

TBeckett100

Dude, it's time to dump him. It's early days and you are being treated like a doormat. Fast forward to a time when you are shacked up and you will be controlled. When he says he doesn't want to see you for three days, this is obviously the words of a controlled man. God created the earth in 6 days so mulling over your debt shouldn't really take three days

You deserve to be spoilt for your birthday and that didn't happen. My worry is that your self esteem will over rule your brain here and you will just tag along.

Also you like his friends and have made plans. Believe me, the time wasted on this relationship will mean you miss out on building something formidable for yourself

There is a coward less way to end the relationship. It's where you say to him he isn't for you and for just one you exert some authority. Don't bend over for him and be all apologetic. Show him you can be boss.

millysg1

OP, any update?

busiscoming2

Who would call you a coward? You would be in fact very brave in facing up to his nastiness in the light of you dumping him, which, from what you say is how he will probably react. Just remember this is only going to be a tiny part of your life, yes you will probably feel rubbish for a few days but also quite relieved to be rid of him.

It really doesn't sound like you really like him that much TBH.

Just a thought: I know you are in debt a little at the moment but do or are you likely to be a good earner? I only ask because he seems overly interested in your finances.

awolo1

hi guys, sorry I've been away for a couple of days

So the latest is that I have asked him to start making the effort to come and see me. he responded to this with he has bills to pay etc so can't until next month. I was also then told we would not be seeing each for for a few days. turns out, he means all week.

so I have accepted that he wants a break. I've told him that having a break isn't exactly good in a relationship at this point, but he says everything will be fine.

-- this is his idea in my opinion of trying to get his own back

however, the reality is, he is in no position to come and see me this week, or for the next three weeks -- because of the above.

which leaves me in the same position, if I don't go and visit him, we won't see each other. so no matter how reasonable I have been with him about it, and him expressing that it wasn't right that I had to do all the travelling, he is yet to fully commit to the idea - which as far as I am concerned, doesn't help the situation because i'm back to square one....

also, the other day I told him that he isnt' expressive enough about his feelings or emotions, he said this will never change and he will never be open. I told him that he flips with me when I may not be entirely comfortable to talk about my finances (At this stage in the relationship) and said to him - you call me cagey?!


whats funny is I woke up this morning with a "can't be bothered" attitude anymore because I see him for who he really is. his true colours have shown and I think he is stubborn.

he isn't making me happy and talking to each other at the moment is very clinical/formal, although he is showing some humour since I suggested the other day that we need to laugh more rather than being so serious.

awolo1

busiscoming2 wrote: »

Who would call you a coward? You would be in fact very brave in facing up to his nastiness in the light of you dumping him, which, from what you say is how he will probably react. Just remember this is only going to be a tiny part of your life, yes you will probably feel rubbish for a few days but also quite relieved to be rid of him.

It really doesn't sound like you really like him that much TBH.

Just a thought: I know you are in debt a little at the moment but do or are you likely to be a good earner? I only ask because he seems overly interested in your finances.

i think the issue is he has given me things other people in previous dates/relationships have not and that is why I liked him initially. he made me happy to begin with, but not now.

i just find it so frustrating that despite me voicing my concerns with the travelling, he still refuses to come and see me, and thinks of every excuse in the book not to visit.

it's almost as if this week (the break as he refers to it) is some kind of game to get his own back because I have said that I cannot continue to do as much travelling. it feels like a punishment.

he says things will get better, but he is still showing me to that he is trying to control me in every way possible.

DUTR

awolo1 wrote: »

hi guys, sorry I've been away for a couple of days

snip

he isn't making me happy and talking to each other at the moment is very clinical/formal, although he is showing some humour since I suggested the other day that we need to laugh more rather than being so serious.

It's not somebody else's responsibilty to make another happy, you have to find your own happiness (without the need of another) .
As you see your bank balance increase from not travelling, it maybe encouring for you to seek friendship closer to home.

awolo1

DUTR wrote: »

It's not somebody else's responsibilty to make another happy, you have to find your own happiness (without the need of another) .
As you see your bank balance increase from not travelling, it maybe encouring for you to seek friendship closer to home.

i feel happy if the other person is happy, it's a two way thing. likewise if the other person is sad, I am sad. I still reserve my own independence though and can fend for myself. and of course ,if I am not happy about something, I will say how I feel most of the time.

the bank balance isn't the major aspect in this, the issue is that effort in this relationship is not two-way.

awolo1

what else fustrated me was that the other day in a call we had about these issues, I reminded him that I have a small number of friends, compared to him who has a lot. I said I spoke to a group of friendly people I know and he shouted at me at the top of his voice, hung up on me twice (Ringing me back instantly to apologise) and accused me of going on gay chat sites / dating sites , to which I had to remind him that was absolutely not the case and I would never do such a thing whislst in a relationship!

he wanted to know who i spoke to, where I spoke to them, and what they were called. I told him it doesn't matter, I don't want to disclose. His point in this was that any issues should be discussed with him, but can you blame me, why would I want to when he speaks to me like dirt?


he wants to know the ins and outs of everything. and if I don't tell him, he flips.

he isn't expressive / open about his feelings for me, he says actions speak louder than words.
the fact is, he doesn't like me to talking to other people, he will deny it, but it's so true. it makes me worry for the longer term.

DUTR

awolo1 wrote: »

i feel happy if the other person is happy, it's a two way thing. likewise if the other person is sad, I am sad. I still reserve my own independence though and can fend for myself. and of course ,if I am not happy about something, I will say how I feel most of the time.

the bank balance isn't the major aspect in this, the issue is that effort in this relationship is not two-way.

Which I mentioned earlier in the thread, I know it's not always about ££££ but sometimes, one never having enough does become an ache.
When you are with the next person and they are self sufficient and solvent, you will both have the time and the means to enjoy quality time more and worry less about the boring stuff.

awolo1

DUTR wrote: »

Which I mentioned earlier in the thread, I know it's not always about ££££ but sometimes, one never having enough does become an ache.
When you are with the next person and they are self sufficient and solvent, you will both have the time and the means to enjoy quality time more and worry less about the boring stuff.

agreed, and no, money is not an issue. my salary is higher than my debt. It is just I had not paid my debt quicker, so actually the issue of me having what is essentially a small amount of debt (Which I didn't manage properly) is not the bee all and end all.

I feel that it's been taken to a level that it didn't need to be taken to...and as a result...that conversation has created additional stress and arguments in our relationship..which has shown further his personality traits.