Gay relationship advice

purpleshoes_2

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

In fairness to the OP, sometimes it is difficult to see and accept. I was in a very difficult relationship with someone who was horrible yet i stayed with him. i made excuses and overlooked the bad stuff. Personally that was because i was scared of being alone. I wonder if the OP feels that way himself. He said it was difficult to find a relationship, maybe this is in turn fuelling a fear of finding someone else?

I get this. Ive been in an emotionally abusive relationship as well. I don't think I was scared of being alone, I was just in love with the person and by the time things were rubbish, well according to that other person, it was my fault.

As soon as someone comes the everything is your fault line, run like hell, there are so many people out there who have major issues and project them onto the other person in the relationship and by the time it's over your head is royally messed up and your self esteem is in your shoes.

If the OP is having penny dropping moments like they seem to be, as in, this happened, this was rubbish, that happened, also rubbish, now is the time to think, well 6 months or a year down the line what is this relationship going to be like? Probably terrible.

The longer it goes on, the harder it can be to get out because you end up so ground down and your self esteem plummets that you think it is all your fault and no one else would want you.

Before the OP ends up feeling crap about themselves 24/7, get out, you can write off money if it means you have some emotional peace and quiet.

Being single is better than being in a relationship like this. Every single time.

awolo1

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

Oh hun, i admit my plans i made weren't probably as serious (a gig that ive already oaud for and a festival), but i've effectively cancelled them. I didn;t want to be single either, but equally i didn't want to be unhappy.

I've never actually ended a relationship before, and what happened tonight was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do, but i did it for myself (and in part for him i guess). To begin with, like with you things were great. But there were issues. When he was actually here with me things were great, but outside of that, he shut me out. And i felt very alone. I don't know if you feel that too, but it shouldn't feel like that. I felt like i was the only one actually making any effort. He'd known for weeks i have 2 weeks off work coming (including valentines day) and i wanted to see him, but he just wouldn't commit to it, it felt like he just wasn't bothered. I felt like i was fighting a losing battle. Likewise ive always shown affection but he's always been quite emotionally distant. And that didn't make me feel good.

at the risk of reapeting myself, I often feel the same as you. it's hard not to know how somebody feels about you and to almost think it is a big guessing game, knowing that you will never get any compliments.

the fact is , I get no compliments (Ever). i know it's not me because other people compliement me when I' mnot in his company and it reminds me what I am missing (it's normal for a human to want affection and to give it?)

He has blown it. Now I need to work out the best way on how to end this without being called a coward.

DUTR

awolo1 wrote: »

at the risk of reapeting myself, I often feel the same as you. it's hard not to know how somebody feels about you and to almost think it is a big guessing game, knowing that you will never get any compliments.

the fact is , I get no compliments (Ever). i know it's not me because other people compliement me when I' mnot in his company and it reminds me what I am missing (it's normal for a human to want affection and to give it?)

He has blown it. Now I need to work out the best way on how to end this without being called a coward.

You just cease contact, you don't have to explain, or you could just say to him (when he asks) that he cannot afford to see you.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Eggshells? Doesn't matter if it's gay, straight, exclusive, polyamorous or transgender. Bail out now, cut contact and have a life where you have a chance of being happy - and, in time, meeting the person who rocks your world.

System

awolo1 wrote: »

at the risk of reapeting myself, I often feel the same as you. it's hard not to know how somebody feels about you and to almost think it is a big guessing game, knowing that you will never get any compliments.

the fact is , I get no compliments (Ever). i know it's not me because other people compliement me when I' mnot in his company and it reminds me what I am missing (it's normal for a human to want affection and to give it?)

He has blown it. Now I need to work out the best way on how to end this without being called a coward.

You're not a coward for ending it.

Do it in whatever way is easiest for you. You tell him you're not happy. You tell him its not working. And you tell him it's over.

I've made that sound a lot more simple than it was in my expereince (mine was more like 3 hours of hysterical crying over skype whilst trying to find the words, but i got there in the end)

Pollycat

awolo1 wrote: »

My issue with my finances is that I have had savings and not used them to pay off my debts. Thats the only issue. Looking back, I would have done things differently but as far as I am concerned we all make mistakes and learn from them. I think I have made some good steps in the relationship to pay my debt off as quickly as march.

Just a comment about this ('cos I'm bored with reading about how awful this bloke is):

Those with debts AND savings are seriously overspending but the solution is simple. Pay the debts off before you save and maybe even your mortgage. Forget the old ‘must have an emergency savings fund' logic as getting rid of debts beats that too.

http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/savings/pay-off-debts

Wise up regarding this relationship & wise up regarding your finances.

Birdie85

Just cut your losses and dump him. You're only 3/4 months into the relationship and he's started to show his true colours. This does not mean that you have to stick it out and work at it because you don't want a 'failed' relationship, it means you've gotten to know him and he's not right for you! Don't waste any more time and effort on him. Why on earth would you be a coward for getting out of a relationship that wasn't working for you? After ONLY 3 months, not 3 years!!!

So what about cancelling some plans if you break up, you may lose a couple of deposits, but it will still cost you less than staying with him!

As another poster has already said, no boyfriend is better than a bad boyfriend! Freeing yourself some this toxic person will leave you open to meet someone new too.

Good luck, do the right thing, chalk it up to experience and enjoy living your life on your terms.

Melonade

You've had some good advice so far which is why I haven't posted yet. BUT you say you have a few friends, what if one of them told you this is how their relationship was going?

You aren't a coward for wanting to end it. You need to think of your future happiness. Yes sometimes it doesn't work out for whatever reason but that's life. Don't settle for anything when there are doubts like the ones you've listed.

There's someone out there that wants the same things as you, that'll treat and respect you properly. Don't let yourself be controlled.

Good luck

Mojisola

awolo1 wrote: »

he has today advised me that he doesn't want to see me for three days. this is after I have made it clear to him that I want him to start making an effort to come and visit me.

his point in all of this is that everytime we have discussed my debts, I have given him a different figure. however, I have always tried to be honest and open and the figure has changed by POUNDS, not hundreds of pounds.

Absolutely classic abusive behaviour - everything is your fault.

Don't justify anything you do - every time you try to explain to him, you're giving him power over you and your life.

Edwardia

OP bottom line is that in order to have any chance of a real relationship, you have to love yourself first and believe that you deserve to be treated well. Then you have to make sure that others treat you with courtesy and respect. You seem like however this guy treats you, you will go back for more because being in a relationship is preferable to you than being on your own.

You can look at The Lesbian & Gay Foundation https://www.lgf.org.uk website which has a pop-in centre in Manchester, phone and email helpline etc. Any advice you want on anything, they can help. I'm bi and tho I don't live in the North, we mutual follow on Twitter and they are great people whom I have respect for.

Don't be miserable because of this idiot, please !