We all need to be heard for a little while.

purpleshoes_2

calleyw wrote: »

OMG....

I know that I am average on a good day with the wind blowing in the right direction and I have full slap on :rotfl:

My husband was fab and such a gentleman before the stroke. He would always make me walk on the inside of pavements. He said so if a car mounted the pavement he could push me out the way.

Would open car doors for me and even have a brolly if raining.

I don't expect to ever find someone like that again.

To be truthful all I want is someone who is interested in me and wants to spend time with me and date me properly. Not be a secret. Not make promises they never keep. And be part of their life and it not be hard work. If it never goes further than dating so be it.

Maybe at 42 I am asking for the moon on a stick :rotfl:

Yours

Calley

I scrub up fine, in fact when people look at me they always say, why are you single (which really is a ridiculous question). Not that Im oh look at me because I look ok, we all are who we are and beauty is very subjective.

Its not how I look, its the fact that I am nice. Nothing wrong with nice. But for the guys I have met in the past, nice has meant, I am going to walk all over you.

Its very hard to explain. I have a strong sense of who I am as a person, but Im someone who has strong opinions about certain things, a lot of stuff means something to me and I dont try and force it on other people. But when you have a bit of a spark, my experience has been, people try and crush it. Some people anyway.

I look back to me at 17 before I met my first serious bf (who thought I was an idiot, well at first he was madly in love with me then I could do no right). I had a spark, I liked fashion, I was into politics and music.

By the time my first bf ended the relationship we had, I felt like I was a nothing, because nothing I did was right.

I know it wasnt me, hes on divorce number two now, but when you have someone saying day in and day out, you are just an idiot, you'll never do anything with your life, you are fat, you'll never get your degree. I listened to that year in and year out and even after he dumped me, the scars remain. Even though I know it wasnt true, its really hard when the person who is supposed to be closest to you tells anyone who will listen how awful you are.

30 years on and when I meet someone, I always think they arent going to like me and thats the truth and sad as it sounds, I cant go through that again.

If I had met someone in the years after that who had been nice to me of course I would have given it a go but I havent

If that all sounds too despairing, it really isnt, all I can say is, if I ever did meet someone even in the short term, they would need to like me because I have had it up to here with dating people who make it clear they think Im an idiot.

When I refer to myself as nothing special its now how I look physically, its about how people have made me feel about myself.

Georgiegirl256

I'm a born worrier, and I think sometimes it's only natural to think the worst. Pyxis explained it well, I can't remember exactly what she wrote (sorry!) but it made total sense.

There's a big difference between being a natural worrier and thinking to yourself that the worst will happen, and continually catastophising out loud to your friends and family which is what I think Errata was meaning and what I was agreeing with.

One instance that sticks in my mind about my Mam, was when I was doing a 20 mile walk for the BHF. Instead of being positive and cheering me on, from the very start it was "are you sure you can do this?" "What if this happens, what if this happens?" That is just one of many occasions. Instead of seeing the good and positive things in a situation, she always sees the negative things first. Yes it's only natural to worry, but when your actions start to affect other people, that's when it becomes a problem. It gets me down sometimes, and I know for a fact it got my Dad down.

My DH has the same tendencies too, and I'll be brutally honest, it can be annoying sometimes. He thinks of reasons not to do something, makes things into a big deal. Instead of just giving things ago. I'm encouraging him to just give new things a try by telling him (in the words of Jeremy Clarkson!) "what's the worst that could happen?!"

WaS, you offer very good advice, and explain things well.

calleyw

purpleshoes wrote: »

I scrub up fine, in fact when people look at me they always say, why are you single (which really is a ridiculous question). Not that Im oh look at me because I look ok, we all are who we are and beauty is very subjective.......

I get that why are still single too!!!!

I am sorry to hear what you have been through. I see where you are coming from. Until the last one I must have been very lucky to get my husband.

As to me a relationship is about making the best of yourself and other person. where you support each other to be yourself and the best you, you can be.

I know why my ex is he way he is now. Due to his ex. It finds it hard to let anyone close to him as he thinks that they are going to use him. Thats not me. I am not a user as I am to nice. And always support them in what they wanted to do with there life.

But like yourself where you have had years of being told something thats not true you start to believe it. why people have to be so nasty and horrible to others I never know. And really don't understand how they sleep at night.

I know being on my own for the time being is the best thing for now.

and everyone is special not matter what ever anyone else says.

Yours

Calley

whitewing

I told my martial arts instructor pretty much everything. (All because she was giving me a life home, and was commenting on how well littlewing and I are doing, but she would like to see me having more fun. I have mild Aspergers, major depression, personality disorder, agoraphobic traits. I don't actually know how to have fun. NB she didn't mean I was miserable; she just didn't have a clue about my background (so faking it obviously works on some level).

It was a good conversation at the time, but now I feel really exposed and weird about going back next week. Especially because I don't want it to change anything.

Indie_Kid

Whitewing - so glad you could say something. Take care x

System

Whitewing, (reply penguined as your post is)

You don't have to do or change anything if you're not wanting to or not comfortable with doing so. I understand its scary opening up to someone, and i understand what its like to feel exposed. When i first opened up at work abut my bipolar i just wanted to run aay and hide, i was scared of what they'd think and felt very very vunerable. BUT doing so has been a positive thing, despite how scared i felt at the time. At least your instructoor knows now, and perhaps this means she will understand things better should any issues arise.

jobbingmusician

Whitewing (not penguined as it could apply to lots of things)

Very very understandable. But at the time, you felt you could trust her - it's just a shame that you have to wait between lessons for her to demonstrate that she is worth your trust, and that nothing will change.

Like the Time to Change campaign says - we need to talk more about mental health. You've been very honest with a lovely person, and I'm sure she'll prove worthy of your trust in her xxx

Waves_and_Smiles

It's always difficult when you finally open up to someone a little, I have often done it and then cringed for the next month. However, if we never trust anyone to open up they can never understand so we remain stuck with things how they were. You were very brave to do that, whitewing and it doesn't mean you have to change anything unless you want to, you have just made someone aware of why you choose to do things the way you do. There is nothing wrong with that. Have a hug, that was a big step for you.

Indie_Kid

What you've done, whitewing, is the hardest step.

whitewing

Thank you everyone. I think what has upset me most is how shocking it all sounded even to me now that I have more of an understanding of how different my life was compared to 'normal', and how complicated the whole situation is currently.

There is also family stuff going on. One family member who is under enormous stress at the moment said to me recently: I looked around my room and saw how little I have to show for my life. (This doesn't mean that having few material goods is bad, just that this particular person had trusted someone else to be making rights decisions and they weren't. I have known this for years and have warned about this situation but it is heartbreaking to see them realising).

I do trust the instructor. She is very professional. It was all just so outside her realm of experience. I really hope she doesn't google it. I just feel like walking back into the room is going to be harder now - I'm not only fat, I'm mental as well, lol. I have this sneaking suspicion that paranoia will kick in and anything she does or doesn't do will be wrong by me (although I will churn this up internally). I need to give it time and make my goal the class attendance rather than anything physical fitness-wise.

I watched Sheridan Smith in The Big C tonight on BBC1. And tears have flowed all the way through it. I haven't cried for ages. I hope it is cleansing. But I am headachey now.

I am on a little downer today, but have tomorrow off work and the sun is supposed to be out so hopefully I will feel brighter.

Generally though, life has been going really well for me. I even asked for my anti-d's daily dose to be reduced. All steps in the right direction.