4yo sleeping in our bed - advice please

vroombroom

Everything JP said is spot on.

jetplane

notanewuser wrote: »

No effects now. But it's possible that exceeds cortisol affected processes and structures in his brain that will affect him as he goes through the hormonal changes of his teens or as an adult. He may struggle to deal with stress. He may be more likely to develop depression. It may affect the way he forms and maintains relationships. That the point. Many parents can't see beyond the "must get child to go to sleep when and how I say" thing.

I have a colleague who is genuinely concerned about the cortisol effect of baby's crying, a few colleagues actually. This one in particular though has a child who won't sleep, she has recently started school and will not go into her own bed. In my opinion the child has learned that her mother will not allow her to become distressed and uses this to manipulate her mother, not all children will do this.

My colleague is permanently exhausted, she struggles to deal with stress, she has developed depression and it certainly affects her relationship. Surely an exhausted, stressed mother us not healthy for a child and may affect all of the development you have referred to?

I am pro co-sleeping if it suits the family, I am pro controlled crying if it is done in a comforting manner, I would never advocate allowing a baby or child to cry themselves to sleep.

I co slept and bought an extra bed to join on to ours so that we could sleep with starfish toddlers, that was in the day when your child sleeping with you was an absolute no no. But I would never suggest that a parent who didn't was potentially damaging their child.

notanewuser

One more quick point from me (I don't disagree with what others have said by the way, but my point is that people get given advice left right and centre that they follow without thinking about, which when it doesn't make biological sense is worrying.)

I read an article recently about it being rare to hear an African baby cry. They just don't. They cosleep, and aren't put down much! My head is firmly in a neuropsychology place at the moment but I'll dif that out soon as this essay is submitted!

shell_girl

I've enjoyed this thread, partly because we're in co sleeping no man's land at the moment! 2yo has been in with us from day one to make night time feeding easier, I've loved it. Now starting to feel like we would all benefit from a bit more sleep (sometimes he wakes when I join him and I suspect he may have slept on if I hadn't gone in).

He and I have just moved into 'his' room now, him in bed and me on a mattress. When he wakes I am there, if he needs me I can cuddle in with him. Hopefully night weaning and learning to sleep alone will be a gentle process at his pace, I want him to associate going to sleep with happy contented feelings. He's still so little

notanewuser

I wanted to address the "never letting them cry" point yesterday but had to prioritise other things. Typically with sleep came a brain wipe, but this article pretty much covers it (and serendipitously flashed on my FB feed this morning. )

It's not the crying that's the issue - it's the empathy (or lack of it).

http://sarahockwell-smith.com/2015/01/13/why-its-ok-to-let-your-baby-or-child-cry-sometimes/

Blindsided_2

notanewuser wrote: »

I wanted to address the "never letting them cry" point yesterday but had to prioritise other things. Typically with sleep came a brain wipe, but this article pretty much covers it (and serendipitously flashed on my FB feed this morning. )

It's not the crying that's the issue - it's the empathy (or lack of it).

http://sarahockwell-smith.com/2015/01/13/why-its-ok-to-let-your-baby-or-child-cry-sometimes/

This article sums up how I feel perfectly!
If only it were a stand point that was given as an option. Less than an hour after my first was born I was being told to put her down and let her fuss, otherwise I would regret spoiling her! A newborn! And this was a midwife!
We seem preoccupied with fitting kids into a neat little drawer where they cause us the least amount of trouble.

notanewuser

Blindsided wrote: »

This article sums up how I feel perfectly!
If only it were a stand point that was given as an option. Less than an hour after my first was born I was being told to put her down and let her fuss, otherwise I would regret spoiling her! A newborn! And this was a midwife!
We seem preoccupied with fitting kids into a neat little drawer where they cause us the least amount of trouble.

Ideally, that newborn would have been still inside you for another 3 months! Being held snug, fed on demand, hearing your heartbeat and voice gently around them as they snuggled in their bubble. That's what should be replicated as closely as possible for at least 3 months. The suggestion that a newborn is "ready for the world" is appalling!

My neighbour became a grandad a year or so ago. Baby was a couple months old when he came to ask if he could borrow a playpen so that they could "keep the dogs from sniffing and licking the baby". I explained that we didn't have one and that surely they could stop the dogs while baby was on their laps. "Oh no, he's in his bouncy chair. We can't pick him up because that doesn't do them any good, does it?"

MrsSippi

Thank you for all the replies (I was surprised by the amount - clearly I have unwittingly sparked a bit of a debate!). Personally co-sleeping is not something I am keen on but that is just my personal opinion, I don't think there is a right or wrong way of raising your own child(ren). I also find that the three of us sleep better when she stays in her own bed as there is less fidgeting and more room.

Anyway, 2 nights ago she got up about 4-5 times and each time I happened to hear her so I walked her back to her own bed and she got back in without a murmur and went straight to sleep. Then last night she slept straight through without any problems so although I can't see that happening very often I feel we have got off to a good start. I made a big fuss of her this morning about how she was such a big girl sleeping all night in her own bed so she was as pleased as punch with herself. I also said that when she has done this for 4 times (because of her age) she can have a treat which she was pleased about (I suspect that I will only need to do this once and she will quickly forget).

georgie262

Well done LittleSippi! Sorry to put a dampener on your news though but DS ended up in our bed again last night! Neither me or my husband heard him come in just woke up this morning and he was snuggled between us both, nevermind I do feel like we are getting there just not as quickly as I'd like. I think it may get worse when we move house (6th feb) as he'll be in unfamiliar territory so I might sleep with him in his room for the first week if he seems unsettled.

lavandergirl_2

Excessive stress disrupts the architecture of the developing brain.

http://developingchild.harvard.edu/index.php/download_file/-/view/469/

The keypoints are excessive and/or prolonged stress. Moreover, each child is unique and will have his own way of dealing with stress.