4yo sleeping in our bed - advice please

georgie262

CathG78 wrote: »

And here, ladies and gentlemen, is the exact reason we have children these days who think they are more important than life itself. Badly behaved children coming from homes where Little Billy gets treated like a snowflake.

"Little Billy gets treated like a snowflake" just made me laugh:rotfl:

Blindsided_2

This thread has been interesting, I have never considered anything other than co sleeping..and in fact my only experience with those who disagree are the "your making a rod for your own back" brigade.
Talked with my soon to be 5 year old about sleeping in her own bed, but she's happy in mine apparently, when she goes to school she says she will sleep in her own bed, or as a compromise will sleep in her sisters bed, my 12 year old is having. None of that!

georgie262

Blindsided wrote: »

This thread has been interesting, I have never considered anything other than co sleeping..and in fact my only experience with those who disagree are the "your making a rod for your own back" brigade.
Talked with my soon to be 5 year old about sleeping in her own bed, but she's happy in mine apparently, when she goes to school she says she will sleep in her own bed, or as a compromise will sleep in her sisters bed, my 12 year old is having. None of that!

I WANTED DS to sleep in his own bed I felt like we all got a better nights sleep on the times he did. I don't have strong feeling either way. DS gets in our bed sometimes and I've never really fought it because I work full time and we all just need to get a decent nights sleep whether that means all in one bed or not - the bigger he has got the harder it is for anyone to get a good nights sleep with 3 in a bed. I'm certainly not in the "rod for your own back" brigade (which calling them a brigade sounds quite judgemental) I am a more 'go with the flow and do whats suits your family' Brigade

notanewuser

That's what superking beds are for.

vroombroom

notanewuser wrote: »

I'm in the middle of writing an essay on biological psychology. I'd volunteer to have my brain cut in half before doing anything like CIO to a young child. In practical terms it may well be "effective" but at what (potential) cost?!

At what cost? Well my son is almost 4 and has no lasting issues with our method in getting him to sleep. He can't remember it, we never mention.
There is a myth that controlled crying is leaving the baby crying/screaming for prolonged periods of time on their own. It's actually the opposite. As I say it was effective for us - it made us happier and healthier after having a good nights' sleep - all of us.

hngrymummy

There's a big difference between CIO and controlled crying, not that either method works with our youngest. She'll cry herself sick in a very short space of time. Every child is different and every child responds differently. It's a case of finding out what works for your family. Take all the suggestions on board, but don't feel that you HAVE to do someting just because other people have done it.

Our eldest used to come in to our bed until recently. OH was all for putting up a baby gate, until I watched him closely one week and realised that he was sleepwalking. He's much better now and doesn't do it nearly so often, but for a while we just had to live with it.

Blindsided_2

georgie262 wrote: »

I WANTED DS to sleep in his own bed I felt like we all got a better nights sleep on the times he did. I don't have strong feeling either way. DS gets in our bed sometimes and I've never really fought it because I work full time and we all just need to get a decent nights sleep whether that means all in one bed or not - the bigger he has got the harder it is for anyone to get a good nights sleep with 3 in a bed. I'm certainly not in the "rod for your own back" brigade (which calling them a brigade sounds quite judgemental) I am a more 'go with the flow and do whats suits your family' Brigade

I call them the brigade and it does sound judgemental..probably because of the awful experiences I had from people making me feel like some sort of failure or soft touch because I choose not to let my child be upset or distressed at bedtime. I'm sure controlled crying does work for some, for me it was at too high a cost..I could never listen to my baby cry for any length of time and not tend to her, and yes that includes when I'm in the bath or eating a meal, I fully expect this is what people mean by "treating little Johnny like a snowflake" however my children are both happy healthy girls and that's what matters. We do what we have to do as parents.what suits some wouldn't suit me and vice versa.

vroombroom wrote: »

At what cost? Well my son is almost 4 and has no lasting issues with our method in getting him to sleep. He can't remember it, we never mention.
There is a myth that controlled crying is leaving the baby crying/screaming for prolonged periods of time on their own. It's actually the opposite. As I say it was effective for us - it made us happier and healthier after having a good nights' sleep - all of us.

I have had friends who tried controlled crying, and it seemed to work for them, that's great, they needed their space and their beds back.
Personally, it seems unnatural to me not to have my babies near me, granted my now 5 year old is no longer a baby, but I have no doubt soon she won't be in my bed. And I will miss that

It seems now everyone encourages you to get a baby sleeping away from you asap. My HV thought co sleeping was the work of the devil and in fact told my gp of my plans?? Like it was a crime
Happily he told me he was currently having to share his and his wives bed with their three year old twins so saw no problem! :rotfl:

jp1964

I think the main issue seems to be people wading in and criticising parents' choices, just because something works for some people does not mean that its right for everyone.

I did not do co-sleeping with my children, does not mean I am right and others are wrong, just different. its only when our choices become a problem to us and simply aren't right that looking at a different approach might be a good idea.

I don't think the 'making a rod for your own back' approach is very helpful.

A friend of mine had her children share their bed (no one called it co-sleeping then!) and then later on had terrible trouble getting her then seven year old to use her own bed, it was really stressful and upsetting for all of them and went on for a long time before they eventually resolved it, and she has since told me that she wishes they had not chosen to let her child sleep in her bed, but equally I am sure that for others this has not been the case.

Our children sleeping separately and a consistently calm, firm but loving 'back into bed now, goodnight' did not do any harm at all to our eldest as a toddler or any of the others to sleep in their own rooms. Crying for ten minutes at a time with regular settling by parents does no harm at all in my view if that works for any family.

notanewuser

vroombroom wrote: »

At what cost? Well my son is almost 4 and has no lasting issues with our method in getting him to sleep. He can't remember it, we never mention.
There is a myth that controlled crying is leaving the baby crying/screaming for prolonged periods of time on their own. It's actually the opposite. As I say it was effective for us - it made us happier and healthier after having a good nights' sleep - all of us.

No effects now. But it's possible that exceeds cortisol affected processes and structures in his brain that will affect him as he goes through the hormonal changes of his teens or as an adult. He may struggle to deal with stress. He may be more likely to develop depression. It may affect the way he forms and maintains relationships. That the point. Many parents can't see beyond the "must get child to go to sleep when and how I say" thing.

jp1964

notanewuser wrote: »

No effects now. But it's possible that exceeds cortisol affected processes and structures in his brain that will affect him as he goes through the hormonal changes of his teens or as an adult. He may struggle to deal with stress. He may be more likely to develop depression. It may affect the way he forms and maintains relationships. That the point. Many parents can't see beyond the "must get child to go to sleep when and how I say" thing.

If that was true, then ignoring a toddler's tantrum and letting them get on with it would also have the same effect, as would letting a nurse give a baby their injections, or having to learn the word no when doing something unacceptable or dangerous, having to share when they don't want to, or hearing an adult being angry or cry, you can't get kids through every stage of being a baby and toddler without any stress, its not realistic or even advisable.

If children learn to understand that even when things are frightening or sad, or they can't always do everything they want to, that is ok and not the end of the world, even if its upsetting and that ultimately their parents love and care for them and are there for them, that is actually going to give them a far better chance of becoming a happier person in later life and able to form good relationships with others.

It most certainly stands them in good stead for the teenage years and adulthood if they have firm and clear boundaries, there is a huge difference between strict and rigid 'do as I say' and firm loving guidance right from the word go, and of course plenty of love, encouragement and praise when appropriate.

I dread to think what sort of teenager and adult would be the product of a 'no stress, no boundaries' approach where the child is protected from the slightest stress or negative feeling, hardly going to make for a well behaved person who is accepting of others points of view, and able to cope with failure, disappointment and any kind of upset. Imagine how stressful it would be for a teenager or adult to have to cope with things not going their way if they had not experienced it before.

The poster who the above response was made was saying that there were no adverse effects on her child, and that it helped their family to be healthier and happier, that was our experience too, and I agree with them taking the approach that was right for them.

I get that you are talking about a baby or toddler becoming upset, but as the poster pointed out, controlled crying is not about leaving them to scream for hours on end.

Sometimes its very hard to be a parent, I have certainly learned that, no one wants their child to be upset but equally no one wants a child to grow up thinking the whole world revolves around them, at which point does that kick in, surely start as you mean to go on (after the first few months, that is) is going to be the most sensible option and will make the child feel far more secure and loved.