4yo sleeping in our bed - advice please

notanewuser

ringo_24601 wrote: »

It suits my boys to get a good 12 hour sleep. If they messed around at bedtime for ages they wouldn't get that. We do most things in our lives for the betterment of our children and not just for ourselves. We don't treat them identically because they're different little people with their own personalities; but when they have done something wrong they will certainly know it and learn from it.

I don't have girls so i have no idea how they are disciplined or what they respond to. If it was my boys, i'd be having stern talks with them in the morning, and in the night I'd be waking them up enough so they can walk back to bed. I wouldn't be carrying them.

Get back to that essay ;-)

I'm processing the neuroscience subconsciously.

My 4 year old is naturally an owl like me. Night before schools went back she was awake till 10pm because she just couldn't switch off. We did nothing to add to the stimulus and there are no toys in her room, but she wasn't ignored. Telling her she'll be tired in the morning doesn't magically flick the switch. So we woke her at 7:45am the next morning, and yes, she was tired but she went to school and then next night was tired enough to fall asleep easily come 9pm. The next night 8:20pm and the 8pm. Stomping about, being stern and trying to "force" her to sleep would have done nothing of benefit. She knows that bedtime means bedtime, but I can't fall asleep on demand so I don't expect her to!

[Deleted User]

It's not like it is every night...! It's a once in a while method that works for our kids. It's not like we shout at them for everything - but we will when deemed necessary.

Since my little boys are both polite, well mannered, loving and fun to be around I'm going to say we've done ok so far. Ok, we royally screwed up the weaning but otherwise I'd say we've done ok (3 and 5 yrs olds).

We've given them a pavlovian attachment to having a bath. Bathtime => Story + sleep time next. Every damn day since they were born they've had a bath.

z.n

Having tried various ways of keeping DS in his own bed, by the time DD came along we gave up and just bought a bigger bed. Lovely snuggly! It did help that DD was able to ninja sneak into the bed in the middle inbetween so we only knew she'd come though when we woke the next morning. It doesn't last long so make the most of it.

ciderwithrosie_2

ringo_24601 wrote: »

We've given them a pavlovian attachment to having a bath. Bathtime => Story + sleep time next. Every damn day since they were born they've had a bath.

I did this with my 3 boys too. There was no way I was going to end up with grungy teenagers stinking the house up and I know of other people's children refusing to wash/bathe for days so they were 'habitualised' to have at least one bath/shower a day from birth. It worked a treat!

notanewuser

ringo_24601 wrote: »

We've given them a pavlovian attachment to having a bath. Bathtime => Story + sleep time next. Every damn day since they were born they've had a bath.

Not an approach I've taken but my SIL takes it to an extreme. She'll drive 40 miles home with 2 deeply-sleeping children, then wake them up to give them a bath (and proper scrub) before putting them back to bed. Littlest can't even escape by being covered in excema. If they wake up early enough in the morning they get chucked in the bath then as well.

Baths wake my DD up, so she gets one when she needs one. A shower before school a couple of times a week is preferable to a bath after dinner in this house.

Here's to the polite, well mannered, loving and fun to be around 3, 4 and 5 year olds we've managed to turn out. :beer:

jp1964

We always had a routine before bed, wash/bath, into pyjamas, story then bed, books were always on hand in their rooms for them to freely look at before they went to sleep if they wanted to.

I did do the controlled crying with my eldest daughter when she was about 19/20 months, on the advice of the health visitor, of all our children she was the only one who insisted on coming out of her room continually once she had figured out how to get out of her cot, didn't take her long to figure that one out!

At the time, we just put a stair gate over her door and left her, then after a few minutes of crying simply went back in calmly, put her back to bed and covered her up, said goodnight and went out, however many times it took our response was the same, she knew she hadn't been abandoned, it was just not playtime any more.

The crying only continued for a couple more nights after that, then she just started going to bed quite happily with no fuss at all, I very much doubt that the few days that she was left to cry for ten minutes at a time did any harm at all, and our calm manner and matter of fact returning her to her bed was consistent although tough (!) and funnily enough just after that she gave up a daytime sleep completely, think it was just the transition to that which had made her unsettled at night, so it worked well.

We never did co sleeping, not read up on it tbh, but parents do need their own space in my view, we only ever had them in with us if they were ill.

We found starting as you mean to go on worked for us, after the initial stage of newborn babyhood was over, at least.

notanewuser

jp1964 wrote: »

We always had a routine before bed, wash/bath, into pyjamas, story then bed, books were always on hand in their rooms for them to freely look at before they went to sleep if they wanted to.

I did do the controlled crying with my eldest daughter when she was about 19/20 months, on the advice of the health visitor, of all our children she was the only one who insisted on coming out of her room continually once she had figured out how to get out of her cot, didn't take her long to figure that one out!

At the time, we just put a stair gate over her door and left her, then after a few minutes of crying simply went back in calmly, put her back to bed and covered her up, said goodnight and went out, however many times it took our response was the same, she knew she hadn't been abandoned, it was just not playtime any more.

The crying only continued for a couple more nights after that, then she just started going to bed quite happily with no fuss at all, I very much doubt that the few days that she was left to cry for ten minutes at a time did any harm at all, and our calm manner and matter of fact returning her to her bed was consistent although tough (!) and funnily enough just after that she gave up a daytime sleep completely, think it was just the transition to that which had made her unsettled at night, so it worked well.

We never did co sleeping, not read up on it tbh, but parents do need their own space in my view, we only ever had them in with us if they were ill.

We found starting as you mean to go on worked for us, after the initial stage of newborn babyhood was over, at least.

We've evolved little biologically since we lived in caves. We didn't tend to erect stud walls to separate our young from us. Hence the biological need they have for connection. (Society may have changed but the basic needs are still there.) Look at tribes that don't live in the societies we do. They have entire families in one room in one hut. Children in the UK are some of the unhappiest in Europe/the world. I wonder how much of that is down to the encouragement parents face to go against the biological imperative pretty much from birth.

mumps

I have 4, all grown up. They all had, and have, different personalities. I had good sleepers, restless sleepers, larks and night owls. The worst combination was a lark and an owl 2 years apart. The tag team gave me about 6 hrs a night. I liked cosleeping as much as they did. They grow out of it, I promise, none of mine want to get into bed with me now.

Janepig

notanewuser wrote: »

Wow. I chewed my 4 year old's teacher out for telling her only babies sucked their thumbs. You just took heartless to a whole new level.

I seem to remember a thread on Christmas Eve about the ISS going over and you were hoping that your next door neighbour's children were going to be out so that your DD could "put them right" if they were going to be told it was Santa. That, imo, "took heartless to a new level". I didn't actually reply on that thread because sometimes you read something that makes you so incensed that it's best just not to say anything. Good job you're not my neighbour because if you're DD ruined my children's Christmas fun then I'd be putting you right!!

So there's no need for the smug judgement just because someone does something different with their kids than you do, you're not perfect!! Neither am I. And I'd far rather spend time with someone who actually tells their kids off than someone who doesn't.

Jx

LotsToDo

I have two, my daughter is the same age as yours. The first thing I would do, would be to monitor her drinks during the day. No drinks after dinner time. Then hopefully she won't have to get up during the night and that may make her sleep through.

Also, I have always found, that when I want to change a pattern of behaviour I have to devote a good week, possibly ten days (if junior is feeling stubborn) to change that behaviour. Tell her before bed that she is a big girl now and is too big to come into bed with you. When she comes in, keep returning her to her own bed. No matter how many times you have to do it. It is better that you have sleepless nights just now than when the new baby arrives.

Start a star chart that she can fill in, in the morning. A bit of bribery wouldn't go amiss. A little treat after a few days and so on.

Good luck.