4yo sleeping in our bed - advice please

vroombroom

I'm a mean mum as well

Aware of the benefits of co-sleeping but this was definitely NOT for us. Our boy had awful sleep patterns and in the early days we gave in through sheer tiredness and brought him in with us.
However at just over a year old, we did the controlled crying method. People might not agree with this but done properly, it can be very effective. It worked after 3 weeks and since then - apart from when ill - our son has slept around 10/11 hours a night.

If he messes around at night, we put him back in bed without saying anything to him. He never comes in our bed either x

notanewuser

vroombroom wrote: »

I'm a mean mum as well

Aware of the benefits of co-sleeping but this was definitely NOT for us. Our boy had awful sleep patterns and in the early days we gave in through sheer tiredness and brought him in with us.
However at just over a year old, we did the controlled crying method. People might not agree with this but done properly, it can be very effective. It worked after 3 weeks and since then - apart from when ill - our son has slept around 10/11 hours a night.

If he messes around at night, we put him back in bed without saying anything to him. He never comes in our bed either x

I'm in the middle of writing an essay on biological psychology. I'd volunteer to have my brain cut in half before doing anything like CIO to a young child. In practical terms it may well be "effective" but at what (potential) cost?!

[Deleted User]

notanewuser wrote: »

Poor wee boys. They're humans, not dogs.

Nah, they're puppies at this age. Too much attention is bad, too little is bad. Don't tell them off strongly enough and it's not reinforced. Tell them off badly (e.g. hit, really terrify them) and you've obviously reinforced it badly.

Softly softly cuddly monkey might be 'nice' but it doesn't change their behaviour very quickly

GwylimT

Why can't your partner carry them to bed?

notanewuser

ringo_24601 wrote: »

Nah, they're puppies at this age. Too much attention is bad, too little is bad. Don't tell them off strongly enough and it's not reinforced. Tell them off badly (e.g. hit, really terrify them) and you've obviously reinforced it badly.

Softly softly cuddly monkey might be 'nice' but it doesn't change their behaviour very quickly

It's not about being "nice". You're choosing to modify their behaviour because it doest suit you, not because it's what's actually best for them. But by all means carry on banging them into that square hole you've cut out for them.

[Deleted User]

notanewuser wrote: »

It's not about being "nice". You're choosing to modify their behaviour because it doest suit you, not because it's what's actually best for them. But by all means carry on banging them into that square hole you've cut out for them.

It suits my boys to get a good 12 hour sleep. If they messed around at bedtime for ages they wouldn't get that. We do most things in our lives for the betterment of our children and not just for ourselves. We don't treat them identically because they're different little people with their own personalities; but when they have done something wrong they will certainly know it and learn from it.

I don't have girls so i have no idea how they are disciplined or what they respond to. If it was my boys, i'd be having stern talks with them in the morning, and in the night I'd be waking them up enough so they can walk back to bed. I wouldn't be carrying them.

Get back to that essay ;-)

rach_k

Can you or your partner go back to her room and climb into her bed with her for a quick cuddle? It's natural for humans to sleep together so she probably just wants a quick cuddle to help her go back to sleep (and it's natural to wake in the night too). After a minute or two you can go back to your own bed. If she does get into your bed with you and you don't realise, when you do realise either walk her back or get your partner to carry her and then get in with her for a minute. That way it's not nearly so harsh but you are putting her where you want her to be.

georgie262

No one KNOWS the best way to raise a child. No one knows for sure if something is the best thing to do. People do what suits them and their families and I highly doubt most adults would purposefully 'harm' their child by picking one method of doing something over the other. Lets stop criticising each others choices. Parenthood is hard enough as it is!

rach_k

ringo_24601 wrote: »

It suits my boys to get a good 12 hour sleep. If they messed around at bedtime for ages they wouldn't get that. We do most things in our lives for the betterment of our children and not just for ourselves. We don't treat them identically because they're different little people with their own personalities; but when they have done something wrong they will certainly know it and learn from it.

I don't have girls so i have no idea how they are disciplined or what they respond to. If it was my boys, i'd be having stern talks with them in the morning, and in the night I'd be waking them up enough so they can walk back to bed. I wouldn't be carrying them.

Get back to that essay ;-)

It's quite sad if you really think telling a child off is the only way to reinforce a behaviour. My girls sleep for 13 hours and have since they dropped their day time naps and I've never had to shout at them to get them to do it although they haven't always been terribly willing! My youngest co-slept till she was 2 - to 'change that behaviour' it took three nights of gentle and respectful parenting, not a cross word. I doubt very much that boys are much different, if at all.

notanewuser

georgie262 wrote: »

No one KNOWS the best way to raise a child. No one knows for sure if something is the best thing to do. People do what suits them and their families and I highly doubt most adults would purposefully 'harm' their child by picking one method of doing something over the other. Lets stop criticising each others choices. Parenthood is hard enough as it is!

We know the effects that certain hormones and chemicals have on adult brains. We know that children and babies left to cry have raised levels of those (stress) hormones. It's not inconceivable that raised levels during an intense time of brain development (neural pathways forming, impression of the world and other humans being wired) would cause problems that could be hard to reverse later on.

Do you learn best when stressed? Does it affect the quality of your sleep? If you're upset do you feel better after a hug from your partner? What would happen if they shut the door and walked away and left you upset instead?

I'm not judging, but I'm yet to read a single study of CIO being beneficial to babies and young children. It's not ultimately done for their benefit though.