Brother in Law is Upset with Us

Domayne

Jagraf wrote: »

I don't think anyone has said that.

Pretty much everyone that has posted has said that without actually saying it

System

My daughter received 4 Christmassy decorated cupcakes for Christmas from her friend. They were homemade and my daughter and I thought it was a lovely idea. The thought behind the decoration and the gift box was much appreciated.

lostinrates

Domayne wrote: »

Pretty much everyone that has posted has said that without actually saying it

I think a lot have, But its not true that every one has.

I stand by the point I prefer to have No gifts, and certainly not gifts of obligation. Time, memories, laughter yes. Gifts of real thought.....certainly. One of the best gifts I received was a leaf. I couldn't go out side much at the time and and some one visiting had walked past some gingko trees the day before that had falling leaves and brought one for me to see because he knew I'd love to see it because it was so beautiful and perfect.

Domayne

lostinrates wrote: »

I think a lot have, But its not true that every one has.

I stand by the point I prefer to have No gifts, and certainly not gifts of obligation. Time, memories, laughter yes. Gifts of real thought.....certainly. One of the best gifts I received was a leaf. I couldn't go out side much at the time and and some one visiting had walked past some gingko trees the day before that had falling leaves and brought one for me to see because he knew I'd love to see it because it was so beautiful and perfect.

No...not everyone, but I'd say at least 95% of the people that have posted. There may be so many reasons why people give dud gifts like this one....they have no money, they forgot and didn't have time for a more 'thoughtful' gift, they genuinely didn't know what to get the person (This is me, I suck at picking out gifts so you either tell me what you want or you get a gift card...which has no thought really)
I think the majority of people have been really harsh to the OP,
Ok so a terry chocolate orange isn't the best gift in the world, it wasn't the most thoughtful gift in the world but she also mentioned that her and her family don't really do the gifting thing, so maybe she didn't want too and felt 'obliged' to at least give him something and that was the only thing she had, who knows...
The BIL over reacted imo, he's 30 - shouldn't expect gifts anyway and should just be grateful he got anything!

notanewuser

Domayne wrote: »

she also mentioned that her and her family don't really do the gifting thing, so maybe she didn't want too and felt 'obliged' to at least give him something and that was the only thing she had, who knows...
The BIL over reacted imo, he's 30 - shouldn't expect gifts anyway and should just be grateful he got anything!

Has she? I only saw mention of the fact that in her family they spend £20-30 per person........

Birthdays are a very big deal to our family. Several members never made it to 10, never mind 30. We're grateful for every year.

It was my DH's birthday this weekend. DD (4) and I made him breakfast in bed and spent the afternoon before making him a chocolate cake which DD decorated. DD had a fiver and decided to spend £4 on something for her daddy. He was over the moon. It's not about money, it's about thought and love.

I suspect the OP's been totally spoiled by her parents and can actually justify her behaviour to herself. The world owes her and nothing is her fault.

purpleshoes_2

Again. You can spend very little on someone and just put some thought and effort into it. I've just spent 3 pounds posting some stuff to someone that's no use to me anymore but cost me around 20 quid a month over a few years.

She was thrilled and offered to pay postage but I was happy to pay it.

Second hand stuff can have value to other people. I wouldn't care if someone was flat broke and took me out for a glass of wine and a packet of crisps.

The thought is there. Handing someone a choc orange for their 30th and then telling them at a later date is just thoughtless.

The OP and her hubby haven't had a spare penny in the last few years to put aside? I don't believe that.

There's a difference between being skint and being downright tight. I wonder if they gave him a card? If not why not? Because it might have involved spending?

sulphate

Domayne wrote: »

No...not everyone, but I'd say at least 95% of the people that have posted. There may be so many reasons why people give dud gifts like this one....they have no money, they forgot and didn't have time for a more 'thoughtful' gift, they genuinely didn't know what to get the person (This is me, I suck at picking out gifts so you either tell me what you want or you get a gift card...which has no thought really)
I think the majority of people have been really harsh to the OP,
Ok so a terry chocolate orange isn't the best gift in the world, it wasn't the most thoughtful gift in the world but she also mentioned that her and her family don't really do the gifting thing, so maybe she didn't want too and felt 'obliged' to at least give him something and that was the only thing she had, who knows...
The BIL over reacted imo, he's 30 - shouldn't expect gifts anyway and should just be grateful he got anything!

Exactly, she even mentioned in her first post that her & her brother no longer exchange gifts and growing up her family only spent around £10 on each other. Evidently, birthdays aren't a big deal in the OP's immediate family.

BIL is 30 not 10. A birthday is only significant if you choose to make it so. What's the real difference between being 30 and 31, not much really. I'm not 30 yet but couldn't figure out what the fuss was about when I hit 21.

Attitudes on this forum can be a bit bizarre sometimes, there are probably 328784363726 threads on wedding gifts and how a couple shouldn't expect them (which I agree with) but it's OK to expect birthday presents? Now I realise that the divorce rate is high these days but most people don't have a wedding every year like they do a birthday.

Domayne

notanewuser wrote: »

Has she? I only saw mention of the fact that in her family they spend £20-30 per person........

Birthdays are a very big deal to our family. Several members never made it to 10, never mind 30. We're grateful for every year.

It was my DH's birthday this weekend. DD (4) and I made him breakfast in bed and spent the afternoon before making him a chocolate cake which DD decorated. DD had a fiver and decided to spend £4 on something for her daddy. He was over the moon. It's not about money, it's about thought and love.

I suspect the OP's been totally spoiled by her parents and can actually justify her behaviour to herself. The world owes her and nothing is her fault.

Well re-reading, she said they spend £10 per person...if that....
I appreciate it's not about money....but like I said some people don't know how to be thoughtful, I don't.......It's not because I don't care about them or because I think the world owes me anything.
I just don't really get people or what they want and feel anxious buying gifts...what if they don't like it? what if I've spent too much? Not enough? etc

purpleshoes_2

I've never gone to a wedding without taking a gift. I've never not bought a family member a birthday present either. I didn't have any fuss for any of my birthdays, no big parties. My brother was exactly the same. For my 40th he bought me an iPod touch. He had never spent that amount on me any other year because there were times when he was out of work or a student and when I had more money I helped him out when he was at uni for example and I knew he appreciated it. Last year he got me a couple of bottles of wine and some chocs, probably cost him a tenner tops.

It's not about the money. I'd never expect someone to spend a pile of cash on me. If someone goes to poundland or a charity shop there's thought. Handing a regifted choc orange. Nil thought.

Person_one

sulphate wrote: »

Attitudes on this forum can be a bit bizarre sometimes, there are probably 328784363726 threads on wedding gifts and how a couple shouldn't expect them (which I agree with) but it's OK to expect birthday presents? Now I realise that the divorce rate is high these days but most people don't have a wedding every year like they do a birthday.

The thing about gifts is, you're never supposed to expect them, ask for them or try to dictate what you're given but equally you're supposed to know on what occasions a gift is appropriate and what level of thought/effort is required (note, not what amount of cash!).

Yes, I admit, its a bit subtle for some and might seem contradictory to others, but its the kind of stuff that helps relationships flow smoothly for years or decades and it can really make the receiver feel happy and cared about and leave the giver with a lovely warm fuzzy glow when it goes right.

Its the sort of thing your parents are supposed to teach you, but it does seem to be slipping a bit in recent years.