MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend

Brighton_belle

It does seem strange that long term partners/ husbands/wives are not 'allowed' to sit with their OH's: how bizarre. At my parents funerals, I will want my DH at my side and I would expect my s-in-laws to feel the same. To that end I really wouldn't care if that meant they sat in the front with my brothers and I sat in the second row.


I think it is hard to judge beforehand when it will be right to leave the wake of your parent, but 30 mins just isn't long enough though: it's all part of successfully processing the loss of his mother.
Your friends really won't mind - that what being a friend means on occasions like these. Talk to them, explain the situation, otherwise worse than everyone making their own assumptions. Good clear honest upfront explaining goes a long way.

ALI1973

iammumtoone wrote: »

2 hours at the wake seems reasonable but it is still unfair to put a set time limit on it.

8pm seems early to me in this situation as your friend knows you have a long drive I think they would be expecting it would be later than that (i would be). If the kids are going for tea after school then 8pm is around the time they would be collected on a 'normal' night not in exceptional circumstances like this. I think you could safety get away with collecting them at 9pm leaving an extra hour for the wake, considering your drive home I don't think anyone would be expecting you to stay more than 3 hours.

I would say in the defense of the family it is clear with those timings that the funeral has been arranged at a time to allow you and you OH convenient times each way for travel. You will not have to leave to early and will not be home to late, so it is clear they have made accommodations for you in some areas.

My youngest is normally in bed by 8pm lol!

It maybe be that they have given us consideration. I shall try and think that they have.

ALI1973

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Good clear honest upfront explaining goes a long way.

I totally agree, but no information seems to be flowing at all, other than instruction on what is not to happen.

seven-day-weekend

I haven't read all the thread, so forgive me if I repeat anything.

My m-i-l did not want my son to come to the funeral when my f-i-l died. She thought he was too young. We would have liked him to go, and he would have liked to have gone, , but we felt the occasion of her husband's funeral was not the best time to disrespect her wishes. So he didn't go. There should not be a dilemma here, even if it is something you don't agree with, the bereaved person's wishes should be respected.

As to the friend who is looking after the children, I don't think she'll expect you to give a time, just say you will ring her when you are on your way.

iammumtoone

ALI1973 wrote: »

To know where the crematorium is would be nice, as I do not know, until he tells me where it is, I cannot get the info needed to setup the sat nav.

I didn't realise you didn't know where it is :eek: I think you worded the question wrong in the first place, to ask for directions is not needed but to ask the name so you can plan you own route is perfect acceptable. The only option now is to apologise for going over the top by asking for directions and just ask for the name so you can sort yourself out. I completely understand I would also be panicking at this stage, I hate driving and hate it even more if I am in a strange place with no idea where I am going :eek:

Brighton_belle

ALI1973 wrote: »

I totally agree, but no information seems to be flowing at all, other than instruction on what is not to happen.

I meant with your friends - explain your concerns and the lack of info from family and the pressure you are under and how you are unable at this point to be clear on what time you will return..

ALI1973

He has told me the date and time, that he is pall bearer, that the obituary is being put in the local paper which is family flowers only and friends to meet at the crematorium (I asked whether it was invite only), wake after.

The only other info is not to bring the children and that we cannot have our own wreath that it has been chosen and we just have to pay our share.

duchy

ALI1973 wrote: »

To know where the crematorium is would be nice, as I do not know, until he tells me where it is, I cannot get the info needed to setup the sat nav.

I generally keep out of anything that goes on with DH's family, I have offered my assistance, should they require it, but haven't imposed upon them one way or another. At functions I usually make myself useful, stay on the sidelines and look after my children, this is how I was taught to behave. MIL and I were very similar in that respect, and probably why we got on so well.

I too feel sorry for my DH, but some of this is his own making, is a call to his family to ask for details really too much?

You have a Sat Nav - Even if you didn't enter the postcode in until you got to your FIL's house it wouldn't make any difference (odds are if you googled the name of the place they live and crematorium only one would show up as they live in such an isolated part of the country anyway though)

Jagraf

Sorry is there a reason why the children didn't see their gran for 4 years? Did I miss that?

iammumtoone

ALI1973 wrote: »

My youngest is normally in bed by 8pm lol!

But for one day it will not do him any harm to be up later. These are not normal circumstances. Maybe due to the situation of MIL being ill for a while and the fact you lost contact will her has made you more immune to the situation but try to keep in mind your oh has lost his mother. Whatever happens from now on with his remaining family this does not take away the fact although she was ill it will still be a great shock to him and he has to be allowed to grieve (part of that process is attending the funeral and the wake as he sees fit, not dictated to what he will do - I know his family are dictating to him which is wrong so he doesn't need it from his wife as well)

Would you be happy to drive yourself there? Maybe you could hire a car (finances allowing) and come back early allowing your OH to stay the night with his family, if thats what he wants.