MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend

ALI1973

longforgotten wrote: »

OP has mentioned having 'anxiety issues' and, speaking as someone who has also had problems in that department, that admittance sheds light on sooooo many comments that OP has made.


It is going to be very difficult for you OP and I hope you can manage the day OK. From personal experience, you will have to accept that you will need to cope on your own on that day, that your husband cannot look out for you as I suspect he usually does. Understand that the people close to your MIL will be focused on getting through the day themselves, the day will be over with in no time and you will be back home.


You need never see any of them again.


Just keep doing your best to think it's just one day and then you're back home. I wish you all the best, I know it's going to be stressful.

Thank you, I want to be able to just support DH, I have no interest in the rest of them I'm afraid, and I know he can't support me.

I can normally manage my anxiety alone, mainly by being prepared or having a focus, unfortunately I have been known in times of anxiety to pass out, this would be dreadful on the day, and would like to avoid this if possible.

Armorica

If there is no hotel for 45 minutes, I can’t believe there is more than one crematorium locally to pick from! Use google (and the satellite view to familiarise yourself). {if it's only two, plan for both of them!}

The family does sound pretty awful, although I don’t think your anxiety/planning issues are helping. With a family like that, you need a lot of resilience to ignore the nonsense.

At the wake, then be yourself - either stay with your husband or spot someone standing on their own, looking a bit out of place, and go introduce yourself and ask how they knew her and share some happy memories. It’s really one of the easiest situations to find something in common with other attendees….

On timing, tell your friends you hope to be back by 8, but that you’ll call/text if you get caught up in traffic or stay longer at the wake. I agree until 9 would probably be fine; 10 is quite late for the kids. Tell your husband the same - in relaxed way - you think ‘we’ll need to leave around 4 in order to pick up the kids, but if you want to take a little longer, I’ll get in touch with friends to let them know..does that sound ok?’ You might also want to plan a stop for dinner on the way home (even 30 mins so you can have a break and a chat as a couple before getting the kids).

And try to keep letting the anxious side out here first

ALI1973

Armorica wrote: »

If there is no hotel for 45 minutes, I can’t believe there is more than one crematorium locally to pick from! Use google (and the satellite view to familiarise yourself). {if it's only two, plan for both of them!}

The family does sound pretty awful, although I don’t think your anxiety/planning issues are helping. With a family like that, you need a lot of resilience to ignore the nonsense.

At the wake, then be yourself - either stay with your husband or spot someone standing on their own, looking a bit out of place, and go introduce yourself and ask how they knew her and share some happy memories. It’s really one of the easiest situations to find something in common with other attendees….

On timing, tell your friends you hope to be back by 8, but that you’ll call/text if you get caught up in traffic or stay longer at the wake. I agree until 9 would probably be fine; 10 is quite late for the kids. Tell your husband the same - in relaxed way - you think ‘we’ll need to leave around 4 in order to pick up the kids, but if you want to take a little longer, I’ll get in touch with friends to let them know..does that sound ok?’ You might also want to plan a stop for dinner on the way home (even 30 mins so you can have a break and a chat as a couple before getting the kids).

And try to keep letting the anxious side out here first

Planning for both is a good idea (again hadn't thought of this). The travel lodge we used was 45 mins away, there were b&bs but we chose not to use these for various reasons.

I did ask him what time he felt we should leave, his initial response was we would stay for 30 minutes or so (he does know I don't want to be at the wake really), but after his siblings call, he has got snappy when I said I would let our friends (there are two different ones helping us) know.

Fen1

Your anxiety issues sound very debilitating. Have you had counseling? It might be hugely beneficial both for you and your family. Being able to deal with situations confidently will be a massive relief for you and less worry for your family.
You will have to deal with many stressful situations in the future: more funerals, children leaving home, their weddings etc. It is one thing to be panicked now at an in-laws funeral, but spoiling your daughters wedding days would be unforgivable.

ALI1973

Fen1 wrote: »

Your anxiety issues sound very debilitating. Have you had counseling? It might be hugely beneficial both for you and your family. Being able to deal with situations confidently will be a massive relief for you and less worry for your family.
You will have to deal with many stressful situations in the future: more funerals, children leaving home, their weddings etc. It is one thing to be panicked now at an in-laws funeral, but spoiling your daughters wedding days would be unforgivable.

I have had counselling and CBT and have had anti-depressants (not currently). My planning is part of my coping strategy that was set up with my counsellor, by understanding the environment I am going to be in I can usually cope. I don't think that it causes issues for me, but others may think otherwise.

I am not prevented from doing anything as long as I have planned properly first. DH is usually happy with this as he doesn't have to do anything.

littleredhen

Don't know if I am allowed to post this but I am sure someone will remove it if not, i use rescue remedy to help in stressful stiuations

ALI1973

littleredhen wrote: »

Don't know if I am allowed to post this but I am sure someone will remove it if not, i use rescue remedy to help in stressful stiuations

Me too, always have a spray in my bag.

Armorica

It sounds like its just broadening the planning strategy to go beyond one plan... multiple plans and allow for a little contingency time too

cte1111

I think you're doing really well Ali, you've made lots of difficult arrangements and taken on board other people's comments.

Is there a friend or relative that you can call or text on the day? I find my in laws difficult and find being able to go outside and send a text to a friend helps me vent a little, particularly if I've talked to them in advance to explain why I find the visits hard.

Maybe try and break the day down into sections and tick them off mentally as you get through them. When your OH is engaged with other people, take some time to yourself and if there are other nice people there, spend time with them rather than your relatives.

Fen1

It may be a good time to go back into counselling. Grief on its own can be exhausting and confusing, but it will almost certainly be exacerbating your other issues.
The fact that you are currently unable to cope with the logistics of the crematorium demonstrates this.
Please, please understand that I am not being critical, but trying to put things in a factual and dispassionate way. At this point in time your OH is going through hell. He is grieving. He is getting it on the neck from his family. And then you are also needing support. It is not fair on him. It is not enough to be able to plan, you must also be able to stand on your own two feet and deal with things as they happen. Perhaps a different counsellor or treatment system would be of benefit.