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ALI1973 wrote: »
I am at loss of what to do, as I feel torn. My much loved MIL passed away last week after years of suffering. They live 4 hrs away. I have 3 children, 14, 13 and 9. Due to the circumstances of her illness, they have not seen her for 4 years, but we have tried to maintain telephone contact with FIL, it has been difficult and he has not wanted to speak with the children. MIL has Alzheimers, so has been unable to speak for over 6 years. DH has visited alone for the past 4 years.
There are brothers and sisters who all have adult children, only mine are younger. Sisters have pretty much estranged themselves from us, I am not totally sure why, as I have always encouraged DH to keep in touch, but I will admit that eventually I left it to him to converse with his family (as I do with mine).
DH was informed before Xmas that MIL was dying, and he travelled as soon as reasonable to the hospital and stayed there for a week before her death.
Everything regarding the funeral has been told to us (no input from us) eg. we have been told we cannot have our won flowers, that they have been purchased and we will just pay our share (as side note: they have flowers in the spray that MIL did not like), sharing of memories had to be ALL family inclusive and not specific to our family (very difficult when very few of our family memories include everyone). Anyway, we have made plans for the funeral, only to be told today by FIL that our children are not welcome because HE cannot cope.
We do not have family local to us, and will have to rely on goodwill of friends to watch our children if we both attend, not to mention how upset our children are that they cannot say goodbye. My DH wants me to be with him at the crematorium and the wake at his sisters house after, BUT, I feel I am betraying my children by "socialising" with his family (whom I am very disappointed and angry with) at the wake.
I know this is not what my MIL would have wanted (we were very close) but quite rightly DH doesn't want to cause a scene, I also though don't want to pretend all is ok when it really is not.
What would you do?
Fen1 wrote: »
Do you know the name of the undertaker? Phone him and ask for directions to to the crematorium. Alternatively, Google all the crems in the local area. Phone each in turn and ask if Mrs.X's service is being held there on Z date and time. There are usually only a few crems per county, so it shouldn't take long.
ALI1973 wrote: »
they wanted to say goodbye to their Gran, but they have been very grown-up and have accepted that their Granddad doesn't want them to attend. They are very upset, and we have tried to explain that Granddad isn't doing so well after Grandma's death
ALI1973 wrote: »
I too feel sorry for my DH, but some of this is his own making, is a call to his family to ask for details really too much?
pathtofreedom wrote: »
I missed lots of my parents friends funerals growing up, as it is just a generational thing that you "protect" children from grief like that.
What I really don't understand is this comment below.
Why would you ever tell your children that the fil didn't want them there? Are you trying to turn them against him for some reason? The children should never have been told something like that. You could have just said there are no children going, and it is a school day and left it at that, not trying to make the fil sound like he was picking on just them for some reason.
Can you just not arrange for the children to stay the night with friends then you're not having to rush back, or even if you do get back early it still gives you both time to recover together from the emotion of the day.
duchy wrote: »
You may not have anything in common with every single one of your siblings in law but would it really be too hard to pick up a phone and say "I just want to check which crem it is so I can put it in the sat nav in advance" (after giving them your condolences first of course) ? Once they tell you which one - google for the postcode then stick it in the satnav.
No fuss, no drama - just one issue resolved if you really can't just ask your husband which one it is or he doesn't know.
No more than expecting you to deal with the trivia leaving him to cope with the stuff he has to. Pick the phone up yourself "is making a call to his family really too much" for you to do for him ?
I'm guessing you have never lost a parent or you wouldn't be behaving this way and making things so much more difficult for your OH.
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