MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend
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Fen1 - of course I am not taking it critically, any advise is worth looking at, hence why I posted, already there have been things suggested that hadn't occurred to me.
I am not sure counselling could do any more for me, after all when it started in 2005 I was virtually agoraphobic. And planning strategies have worked all this time for me.
cte1111 - thank you for your positive response. Yes I have friends who after 3.30pm will be available for me to bombard with text messages.
There were very few formal seating arrangements. 'Family' was at the front. That meant that the widow/widower and any unmarried children were in the front pew/row of seating.
If there was enough room, then other children + spouses + (their) children sat alongside them. If there wasn't enough room, then other children + spouses + (their) children sat in the pews/rows behind, or in the front pews/rows on the other side. Always in their own individual family groups. And always without any nonsense about who was sitting where.
Pall bearers sat with their own spouses/families.
There was no difficulty in organising the pall bearers either on entering or leaving. They brought the coffin into the church, then joined their families. At the end of the service, they simply stepped forward, into the clear space around the coffin, when the funeral director asked for them.
I have never yet been in a crematorium, funeral parlour, church, chapel or other funeral venue where everyone was so crowded round the coffin that it was impossible for this to happen.
All of the above is absolutely clear to me right now, as I am not currently grieving for a loved one, or trying to help organise a funeral.
In the throes of that kind of grief, I simply would not be able to deal with a question like "Where should I sit?" from another sentient adult.
So, all of my sympathies are with the man who slowly and agonisingly watched his mother 'die' over the past four years and more - on his lone trips to see her. Who is now dealing with the grief, and regrets, brought down by her actual physical death.
But who is being distracted from all of that by the apparently insurmountable grief of his wife and three children - who had no contact with his mother in the four years prior to her death. Not to mention little or no contact with (or liking for) his father or the rest of his family in the four years or more prior to this point.
He must love you very much if, despite your behaviour at this time, he wants you by his side when he bids farewell to his mother - both at the formal funeral and the informal wake.
Do you love him enough to accompany him unconditionally, uncomplainingly and undramatically?
As for coping strategies, is it worth spending a few minutes (not too many!) thinking about the worst that can happen, and how likely it is.
eg, at the crem, someone thinks you've sat in the 'wrong' place: what's the worst that can happen? Is it terribly likely that they'd shout at you? But if they did, you'd just smile sweetly, gather your coat and bag, and walk out, telling your DH on the way "I'm sorry dear, I'll wait in the car for you."
And if they just give you a 'look'? You smile sweetly, say how sorry you about MIL, and move away if you're met with anything untoward.
At the wake, someone starts a rant, you move away. If it's too awful, you smile sweetly, gather your coat and bag, and walk out, saying you'll wait in the car. You don't increase the drama by flouncing or responding, you just remove yourself.
If the family is as controlling as it sounds, they will have worked out where everyone is to sit and no doubt discussed this with the undertakers. You may or may not get a chance to ask if there's a seating plan. But if in doubt, ask someone if it's OK to sit there or should you be somewhere else?
If you cause offence, remember it's them being offended, not you deliberately giving it.
At my mother's (recent) funeral, we all bundled into the crem fairly randomly. There weren't many of us, but we had cousins, spouses and grandchildren all mixed up together. The church was packed for the service we had after that, and we just arranged for family who were doing anything to sit where they could get out easily. One of the grandchildren (young adult) ended up in the gallery because a latecomer (not family) pinched his seat, but we didn't even take offence at that.
Completed: TWO adult cardigans, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees, 2 sets of handwarmers, 1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 3 balaclavas, multiple hats and poppies, 3 peony flowers, 4 butterflies ...
Current projects: pink balaclava (for myself), seaman's hat, about to start another cardigan!
What I really don't understand is this comment below.
Why would you ever tell your children that the fil didn't want them there? Are you trying to turn them against him for some reason? The children should never have been told something like that. You could have just said there are no children going, and it is a school day and left it at that, not trying to make the fil sound like he was picking on just them for some reason.
Can you just not arrange for the children to stay the night with friends then you're not having to rush back, or even if you do get back early it still gives you both time to recover together from the emotion of the day.
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No fuss, no drama - just one issue resolved if you really can't just ask your husband which one it is or he doesn't know.
No more than expecting you to deal with the trivia leaving him to cope with the stuff he has to. Pick the phone up yourself "is making a call to his family really too much" for you to do for him ?
I'm guessing you have never lost a parent or you wouldn't be behaving this way and making things so much more difficult for your OH.
MSE Florida wedding .....no problem
Because we had already arranged with them that they would go, and what would happen. It wasn't a case that FIL had declared that NO children could go go only that family children couldn't go (and we are the only ones with children under 18), so it was the truth that FIL had said that no children could go. We had even asked if they could just come to the wake, and was flatly refused, he doesn't want them (specific) there.
No we do not have any family nearby (or further afield that could) have our children overnight, and we would not want them staying overnight at friends on this night, the older two are well aware of what is happening even if the younger isn't, I wouldn't be comfortable with it.
I have now googled both as advised, and have the details, thank you.
My father died suddenly 10 years ago, so yes I have had to deal with grief, at the time I had two small children, an hour travelling, and a husband who worked 7-7 (and who also happened to be having an affair I later found). I made no demands of him, he was free to deal with his grief as he saw fit, he accompanied me to the funeral and looked after the children, as were all the rest of my family, communication was very free flowing and we support each other including our inlaws and children. There was a person my mother didn't want attending, but after discussing and talking things through, she knew it was the right thing to allow them to attend the funeral but not the wake, there was no drama.
I am very hurt at how my children have been treated by them, and although I will support my DH on the day and do as he wishes, I do not wish to speak with them unless it is absolutely necessary. So no, I still don't think asking him to speak with HIS family about whether there is a set seating plan is too much to ask.