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MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend

edited 7 January 2015 at 7:33PM in Deaths, Funerals & Probate
211 replies 22.6K views
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  • MojisolaMojisola Forumite
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    ALI1973 wrote: »
    I am afraid despite the comments that suggest my children's nor my feelings should bear any consideration in this situation, I respectfully disagree. I believe we are all permitted to feel and grieve, and especially at this moment it is harder to switch those feelings off.

    No-one can stop you grieving and I can't see how anyone was trying to do that.

    I hope the day goes as well as it can and that it isn't too upsetting for your husband.
  • ALI1973 wrote: »
    I am afraid despite the comments that suggest my children's nor my feelings should bear any consideration in this situation, I respectfully disagree. I believe we are all permitted to feel and grieve, and especially at this moment it is harder to switch those feelings off.

    No, that is not what most people who posted were saying. They were saying that your DH's feelings, and the wishes of your FIL are, in this instance, more important than those of you and your children.

    Whatever has happened in a family a funeral is not an occasion to throw a hissy fit as to who is invited, or not, and what is the wreath to be etc.

    I am very pleased that you have decided to honour FIL wishes regarding the children.

    The justification of ignoring specific wishes of the closely bereaved that it is for the 'sake of the children' just doesn't cut it, and is I think cruel and unecessary.

    Although your FIL sounds controlling - you are too OP, but I do understand that it may be in part due to your anxiety.

    What has happened has happened. It can't be changed. What you can change is how you respond. You can go for drama and angst, or you can accept the situation, support your DH and move on. I can understand that you are angry, but if you dwell on your anger and carry it with you in the future it will do you a lot more harm than those you are angry with.

    On the whole you have taken the feedback you have been given very well (which is more can be said on other threads ;)).
    It is a good idea to be alone in a garden at dawn or dark so that all its shy presences may haunt you and possess you in a reverie of suspended thought.
    James Douglas
  • Fen1Fen1 Forumite
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    OP, just to give you some background on my situation and hoping it helps a little.
    I've had periods of severe ill health, both mental and physical. I've been suicidally depressed. I've had such deep anxiety that even getting dressed has sent me into a complete panic as the complexity of dressing was utterly overwhelming. I have, quite simply, gone through hell.
    I know that external stresses make my depression or anxiety worse. This is why I suggested going back into counselling: to deal with the grief and the other issues that it has exacerbated.
    I know that some programs work for a while, but they need to evolve, just as I have evolved. Sticking to the same coping mechanisms forevermore is being stuck in a rut. There is always progress that can be made, but that means moving forward and trying new things. Trying new approaches works.
    I also know that physical health can have a profound impact on emotional and mental wellbeing. I have been physically and mentally lethargic for several years, trying to do everyday tasks have been overwhelming, life has been gruelling. It turns out that I have a rare form of hypothyroidism. Now that I am being treated properly for the hypothyroidism my world has markedly improved. I am now a functioning, intelligent adult, not a gibbering idiot.
    Anything can profoundly impact on cognitive abilities: thyroid and adrenal imbalances ( unfortunately, the NHS is beyond carp with endocrinology); diabetes; intestinal parasites; epilepsy etc etc etc.Getting a full physical medical may reveal something that affects your mental and emotional systems.
    There was another poster on MSE whose young daughter was a nightmare. Dreadful behaviour. Disruptive. It turned out that the poor child was epileptic. Once she was properly treated her behaviour markedly improved.
  • ALI1973ALI1973 Forumite
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    Fen1 wrote: »
    OP, just to give you some background on my situation and hoping it helps a little.
    I've had periods of severe ill health, both mental and physical. I've been suicidally depressed. I've had such deep anxiety that even getting dressed has sent me into a complete panic as the complexity of dressing was utterly overwhelming. I have, quite simply, gone through hell.
    I know that external stresses make my depression or anxiety worse. This is why I suggested going back into counselling: to deal with the grief and the other issues that it has exacerbated.
    I know that some programs work for a while, but they need to evolve, just as I have evolved. Sticking to the same coping mechanisms forevermore is being stuck in a rut. There is always progress that can be made, but that means moving forward and trying new things. Trying new approaches works.
    I also know that physical health can have a profound impact on emotional and mental wellbeing. I have been physically and mentally lethargic for several years, trying to do everyday tasks have been overwhelming, life has been gruelling. It turns out that I have a rare form of hypothyroidism. Now that I am being treated properly for the hypothyroidism my world has markedly improved. I am now a functioning, intelligent adult, not a gibbering idiot.
    Anything can profoundly impact on cognitive abilities: thyroid and adrenal imbalances ( unfortunately, the NHS is beyond carp with endocrinology); diabetes; intestinal parasites; epilepsy etc etc etc.Getting a full physical medical may reveal something that affects your mental and emotional systems.
    There was another poster on MSE whose young daughter was a nightmare. Dreadful behaviour. Disruptive. It turned out that the poor child was epileptic. Once she was properly treated her behaviour markedly improved.

    Thank you Fen1, I am glad you are on track to being well. I am due a check up with the Dr soon (had planned to go over Christmas whilst off work, but other events took over). I have been tested for hypothyroidism before but I was borderline, so will ask to be retested. I shall also ask about further counselling. I hadn't considered that I had a problem until this thread.
  • OP, I'd certainly pursue re the hypothyroidism. As Fen1 remarks the NHS can be pants when it comes to endocrinology. Added to that the 'normal' range is, for the NHS is wider than in other countries and the NHS doesn't test for the whole of the 'thyroxine' cycle. My sister was on the border of the 'normal' range but insisted on seeing an endocrinologist and was prescribed thyroxine which did help. She did have to be persistent though.
    It is a good idea to be alone in a garden at dawn or dark so that all its shy presences may haunt you and possess you in a reverie of suspended thought.
    James Douglas
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  • seven-day-weekendseven-day-weekend Forumite
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    Of course you and your children have a right to grieve, but your role and duty at the funeral, imho, is to support your OH and your F-i-L.

    Having the ceremony with the balloons is a good idea, I hope it goes well for you all.
    (AKA HRH_MUngo)
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  • lostinrateslostinrates Forumite
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    Having the ceremony with the balloons is a good idea, I hope it goes well for you all.

    Having a ceremony is, but may I disagree about the balloons.

    They essentially become non biodegradable litter that someone else has to deal with. Like those lateens people like, in many cases no damage is done, and in other cases it is.

    Perhaps you could say, burn a candle and share all the nice things you remember about her together until the candle burns out?
  • iammumtooneiammumtoone Forumite
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    ALI1973 wrote: »
    I hadn't considered that I had a problem until this thread.

    By all means go to the doctor it is a good idea but I'm not sure that from reading this thread you are not coping. No one can tell you this apart from the doctors, I just don't want you to think you are giving that impression to everyone reading.

    I think you have been very respectful of all comments and taken on board what posters have said (whether you agree or not) which is refreshing on this board - plenty have their own opinions and will not listen to anything said against them.

    I also suffer from anxiety and can sympathise with your need to know whats happening on the day. If I was told just to follow the hearse in a strange town, I would freak :eek: but I would be able to manage to find this information without the need to ask anyone, as I know you have done now. I also think you are extremely brave offering to drive 4 hours on your own, this is something I could never do, however there will be things I can do but you would find difficult, everyone is different. I do also totally understand how it is to be in a room making small talk with strangers and people who you don't think like you very much, It would be one of my worse nightmares and I wouldn't do it except in these circumstance where there is no choice you just have to get on with it and count down the minutes until its over.

    You might find it is not that bad the best of people tend to come out in funerals as no one wants to cause a fuss and everyone will be respectful to the deceased.
  • ALI1973ALI1973 Forumite
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    By all means go to the doctor it is a good idea but I'm not sure that from reading this thread you are not coping. No one can tell you this apart from the doctors, I just don't want you to think you are giving that impression to everyone reading.

    I think you have been very respectful of all comments and taken on board what posters have said (whether you agree or not) which is refreshing on this board - plenty have their own opinions and will not listen to anything said against them.

    I also suffer from anxiety and can sympathise with your need to know whats happening on the day. If I was told just to follow the hearse in a strange town, I would freak :eek: but I would be able to manage to find this information without the need to ask anyone, as I know you have done now. I also think you are extremely brave offering to drive 4 hours on your own, this is something I could never do, however there will be things I can do but you would find difficult, everyone is different. I do also totally understand how it is to be in a room making small talk with strangers and people who you don't think like you very much, It would be one of my worse nightmares and I wouldn't do it except in these circumstance where there is no choice you just have to get on with it and count down the minutes until its over.

    You might find it is not that bad the best of people tend to come out in funerals as no one wants to cause a fuss and everyone will be respectful to the deceased.

    Thank you for the depth of your understanding, it can be difficult to explain on the net the full details of things, it has brought a tear to my eye that at least someone can see that actually I am a nice person, as many of my friends and family would tell you.

    Thank you again.
  • ALI1973 wrote: »
    Thank you for the depth of your understanding, it can be difficult to explain on the net the full details of things, it has brought a tear to my eye that at least someone can see that actually I am a nice person, as many of my friends and family would tell you.

    Thank you again.

    OP, I think the tone of some of the comments was more down to frustration with your perspective rather than a judgement on you as a person. Respondents can only comment based on what you have posted, and inevitably the focus is narrow.

    Nuance can easily be lost in a forum such as this, but do bear in mind that those who have responded genuinely want to help. And at a time when emotions are running high it can be difficult when in the midst of the situation to take a deep breath and step back. Reading through the thread there has been a level of consistency of responses which I hope has given you alternative ways forward to consider.

    Have you read any Susan Jeffers books? I am especially thinking of 'End the struggle and dance with life' http://www.amazon.co.uk/Struggle-Dance-Life-Susan-Jeffers/dp/0340897600
    Whatever the method, the purpose of quieting the mind is always the same - to step out of our own way and touch a universal oneness with all things
    It is a good idea to be alone in a garden at dawn or dark so that all its shy presences may haunt you and possess you in a reverie of suspended thought.
    James Douglas
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