MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend 3 January 2015 at 5:01PM edited 7 January 2015 at 7:33PM in Deaths, Funerals & Probate 211 replies 22.6K views

Brighton_belle

Jagraf wrote: »

Sorry is there a reason why the children didn't see their gran for 4 years? Did I miss that?

She developed bad dementia, no longer recognised them and became very distressed by the visits, so usual advice is to stop them.

Spendless

ALI1973 wrote: »

My youngest is normally in bed by 8pm lol!

It maybe be that they have given us consideration. I shall try and think that they have.

It definitely could have been worse. We and other family members live 100 miles from part of DH's side of family. When his grandmother died, I couldn't attend as the funeral was arranged for 9am and we had a baby and a very lively 3 year old, who I didn't think it was a good idea to take with us and I was unable to find a 6am babysitter!

Your IL's sound very controlling. I am not sure of etiquette of wreaths and who gets them and when.

I'm sure your friends will be understanding, about the time of your return.

iammumtoone

duchy wrote: »

You have a Sat Nav - Even if you didn't enter the postcode in until you got to your FIL's house it wouldn't make any difference

I do think she needs to find out the info before then as I suspect nobody will know the postcode of the place (why would they).

iammumtoone

ALI1973 wrote: »

we cannot have our own wreath that it has been chosen and we just have to pay our share.

This is not that unusual in some of our family funerals this is what has happened.

ALI1973

iammumtoone wrote: »

But for one day it will not do him any harm to be up later. These are not normal circumstances. Maybe due to the situation of MIL being ill for a while and the fact you lost contact will her has made you more immune to the situation but try to keep in mind your oh has lost his mother. Whatever happens from now on with his remaining family this does not take away the fact although she was ill it will still be a great shock to him and he has to be allowed to grieve (part of that process is attending the funeral and the wake as he sees fit, not dictated to what he will do - I know his family are dictating to him which is wrong so he doesn't need it from his wife as well)

Would you be happy to drive yourself there? Maybe you could hire a car (finances allowing) and come back early allowing your OH to stay the night with his family, if that's what he wants.

I have said we would travel separately so he can stay as long as he likes, he could even the day before if so wished. But he wants us to go together.

Believe it or not, I don't want to add to his grief (and please remember I too am grieving, I have lost someone I consider as close as my own mother). I believe that his siblings have always been controlling, and haven't liked that we have put our children first on occasion.

ALI1973

iammumtoone wrote: »

But for one day it will not do him any harm to be up later. These are not normal circumstances.

I did not mean that to come across that way, I meant in flippant way.

ALI1973

duchy wrote: »

You have a Sat Nav - Even if you didn't enter the postcode in until you got to your FIL's house it wouldn't make any difference (odds are if you googled the name of the place they live and crematorium only one would show up as they live in such an isolated part of the country anyway though)

There are two that it could be. And I am afraid my anxiety would not allow me to be that unprepared, DH knows this.

Fen1

Do you know the name of the undertaker? Phone him and ask for directions to to the crematorium. Alternatively, Google all the crems in the local area. Phone each in turn and ask if Mrs.X's service is being held there on Z date and time. There are usually only a few crems per county, so it shouldn't take long.

longforgotten

OP has mentioned having 'anxiety issues' and, speaking as someone who has also had problems in that department, that admittance sheds light on sooooo many comments that OP has made.


It is going to be very difficult for you OP and I hope you can manage the day OK. From personal experience, you will have to accept that you will need to cope on your own on that day, that your husband cannot look out for you as I suspect he usually does. Understand that the people close to your MIL will be focused on getting through the day themselves, the day will be over with in no time and you will be back home.


You need never see any of them again.


Just keep doing your best to think it's just one day and then you're back home. I wish you all the best, I know it's going to be stressful.

ALI1973

Fen1 wrote: »

Do you know the name of the undertaker? Phone him and ask for directions to to the crematorium. Alternatively, Google all the crems in the local area. Phone each in turn and ask if Mrs.X's service is being held there on Z date and time. There are usually only a few crems per county, so it shouldn't take long.

Thank you I hadn't thought of that.