MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend

Tigsteroonie

If I were you, I'd try to sit on the row behind your OH, so that you are there to reassure/comfort him if required.

iammumtoone

ALI1973 wrote: »

He feels the children will be ok, and will not think about the imposition we are already putting on friends, and although I do not want to upset him, I feel I need to tell our friends when they can expect us to collect the children.

This is understandable. Can't you just be honest and say you don't know a precise time as it depends on the day / how upset your OH is / how long the wake lasts for. But you will let them know when you leave and keep them updated on the way home. You can tell them that it will be no later than x time but I would let you OH decide what he wants that time to be so he feels he has control and then it is down to him to leave in time to get back for the time he stated.

ALI1973

I guess I believe it is polite when asking a favour to offer as much information as possible, and I am afraid bearing in mind that if my children were attending with us, none of this would matter, I don't think asking him to give me a set off time is that unreasonable? my friends have been very good about having them and have not asked when we will collect, but, after siblings call, I can see that if they *could* pressure DH into staying longer than I would be comfortable imposing on my friends.

Tigsteroonie -Is there any possibility (eg rules) that sitting in the row behind where the immediate family sit (is it on the left?) that his family could be aggrieved by it?

Nobodyschild - I agree, and if it were may family, I would be backing my sibling and telling my dad that he is being unreasonable, but its not my family and we have agreed to abide by FIL wishes. For me, after this event I shall be completely distancing myself from the inlaws, however, I would never expect DH to do so.

iammumtoone

what time do you think it is reasonable to be back to collect your children?

duchy

I was thinking back to when my Dad died .......and then my Mum some eleven years later. If my husband or then partner had made the sort of drama out of the funeral that you are I'd be really angry with them. Both of them essentially said the same thing....I'm here I will deal with the stuff that needs dealing with whilst you focus on your family and your grief. They didn't bother with details or try to start a war (and in fact my Mum's funeral was the first time my ex-husband and my new partner met -and my partner made sure my son was sat with his Dad although he had travelled with us to the funeral with us. He felt it was more seemly and then went and sat further back himself)

There are times you need to put your partner first and just suck up the fact things aren't how you would personally like them to be. They have lost a parent - your job as their (presumably) loving partner is to make the situation as easy as possible for them not make it ten times worse ! You need to stop the drama (demanding he gives you prcise directions to the crem when you have a satnav is simply looking for drama and making it all about you and a funeral isn't about a pecking order about where people sit - those who are mourning aren't even going to notice who is sitting where. Their thoughts will be on their loss)

I'm starting to wonder if the family feel you have a history of making difficult situations all about you rather than those it actually concerns and the insistance on the children not attending is to encourage you to stay at home. Sorry but that is how you are coming across- first about the children and now about how to follow a hearse and where to sit. You seem to be determined to create drama and I'm feeling very sorry for your OH trying to grieve in this environment.

Fen1

Crematorium seating is usually something like this: front row right, immediate family; rows 2 - 5 on the right, rest of the family. Front row left, pall bearers only ( so that they can walk in and sit tidily without faffing ); rows 2- 5 left side, rest of family. The back rows on both sides for more friends and family.
So no, pall bearers and their partners don't usually sit together. If nothing else, most rows do not accommodate 12 people, usually a maximum of 8.

OP. It is becoming more obvious with your posts that your FIL and in-laws are not interested in having a relationship with you, and by extension, your children. It is sad, but something that you must come to accept. Families are not 'automatic'. For your own sake, and that of your OH and children, view your husband's family as 'people who are related to him' rather than the loving family unit you desire. You need to make your own way in the world and not expect others to conform to your ideals - that way lies disappointment, resentment and bitterness.

You already have a family unit. Be happy in what you already have.

ALI1973

iammumtoone wrote: »

what time do you think it is reasonable to be back to collect your children?

I thought about 8pm at the latest, which would mean leaving about 4pm. So about 2 hours at the wake.

ALI1973

duchy wrote: »

There are times you need to put your partner first and just suck up the fact things aren't how you would personally like them to be. They have lost a parent - your job as their (presumably) loving partner is to make the situation as easy as possible for them not make it ten times worse ! You need to stop the drama (demanding he gives you prcise directions to the crem when you have a satnav is simply looking for drama and making it all about you)

I'm starting to wonder if the family feel you have a history of making difficult situations all about you rather than those it actually concerns and the insistance on the children not attending is to encourage you to stay at home. Sorry but that is how you are coming across- first about the children and now about how to follow a hearse and where to sit. You seem to be determined to create drama and I'm feeling very sorry for your OH trying to grieve in this environment.

To know where the crematorium is would be nice, as I do not know, until he tells me where it is, I cannot get the info needed to setup the sat nav.

I generally keep out of anything that goes on with DH's family, I have offered my assistance, should they require it, but haven't imposed upon them one way or another. At functions I usually make myself useful, stay on the sidelines and look after my children, this is how I was taught to behave. MIL and I were very similar in that respect, and probably why we got on so well.

I too feel sorry for my DH, but some of this is his own making, is a call to his family to ask for details really too much?

ALI1973

Fen1 wrote: »

Crematorium seating is usually something like this: front row right, immediate family; rows 2 - 5 on the right, rest of the family. Front row left, pall bearers only ( so that they can walk in and sit tidily without faffing ); rows 2- 5 left side, rest of family. The back rows on both sides for more friends and family.
So no, pall bearers and their partners don't usually sit together. If nothing else, most rows do not accommodate 12 people, usually a maximum of 8.

OP. It is becoming more obvious with your posts that your FIL and in-laws are not interested in having a relationship with you, and by extension, your children. It is sad, but something that you must come to accept. Families are not 'automatic'. For your own sake, and that of your OH and children, view your husband's family as 'people who are related to him' rather than the loving family unit you desire. You need to make your own way in the world and not expect others to conform to your ideals - that way lies disappointment, resentment and bitterness.

You already have a family unit. Be happy in what you already have.

Thank you that is very useful information. I am resigned that there will be no relationship for me and my children with the inlaws. DH though will have make his own mind up in time.

iammumtoone

ALI1973 wrote: »

I thought about 8pm at the latest, which would mean leaving about 4pm. So about 2 hours at the wake.

2 hours at the wake seems reasonable but it is still unfair to put a set time limit on it.

8pm seems early to me in this situation as your friend knows you have a long drive I think they would be expecting it would be later than that (i would be). If the kids are going for tea after school then 8pm is around the time they would be collected on a 'normal' night not in exceptional circumstances like this. I think you could safety get away with collecting them at 9pm leaving an extra hour for the wake, considering your drive home I don't think anyone would be expecting you to stay more than 3 hours.

I would say in the defense of the family it is clear with those timings that the funeral has been arranged at a time to allow you and you OH convenient times each way for travel. You will not have to leave to early and will not be home to late, so it is clear they have made accommodations for you in some areas.