MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend

duchy

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

BTW I find it incredible that there are NO hotels where you could have stayed on visits. Nowhere you can get to and from in a day is that isolated. I can appreciate that a hotel might not have been a practical / convenient / cost-effective solution on visits, especially with the ages of the children when MIL was first diagnosed.

And I can understand that not being offered accommodation by SILs was annoying, but if you didn't discuss it at the time you don't know why that was.

And I can believe that there isn't a convenient cinema now.

But not that there wasn't anywhere to stay.

Maybe 45 mins by public transport ? The OP didn't mention if either of them drive.......although I did assume they do as they were travelling there and back the same day at one point.

Savvy_Sue

duchy wrote: »

Maybe 45 mins by public transport ? The OP didn't mention if either of them drive.......although I did assume they do as they were travelling there and back the same day at one point.

Yes, it's clear they do drive from another post.

The thing is, even if it WAS 45 minutes (by public transport or any other means), in the context of a weekend, would it have been such a big deal? Head off Saturday morning, make the journey as fun as possible, Dad drops family somewhere fun, goes to see Grandma, comes back to join family, head to hotel, sleep, eat breakfast, repeat some variation of the previous day, go home. Not something you'd want to do every weekend, but a possibility at least once every school holiday, IMO.

However, what's done is done. I only mention it because it may help others facing similar difficulties.

[I'm also going to acknowledge that when my three were still at primary school, finding 'fun' things to do was next to impossible, because of DS1's aspie tendencies. By definition, everything he didn't want to do was 'boring', and we were all going to know that throughout the entire trip. But eventually we drilled some resilience into him about that too, especially when going to see the grandparents: yes darling we KNOW you're going to find this boring, but that's tough, it's what's happening, deal with it without telling us how boring it is! And mine were also car-sick most journeys. Hey ho!]

ALI1973

lostinrates wrote: »

Sometimes the best thing you can do is go along and say nothing, but just hold his hand.

This is what I shall do.

ALI1973

bossymoo wrote: »

I think OP said they were step-grandparents, although I might have misread that.

Only FIL is a step-parent, married MIL when DH was 10.

ALI1973

Just to answer some questions raised:

MIL was a very well loved person. Many of DH's friends (and siblings friends) considered her a second mum - so yes there is a possibility that they may come with their children.

There was more than one reason why we chose not to visit as a family. MIL's illness took hold and rapidly declined. FIL was extremely distressed and we did all we could to help him come to terms, he refused any outside help, and DH managed to get him to accept some assistance. Siblings were getting cross, but as we had some distance, we were so overwhelmed. The offer was always there should they need us, but as is sometimes, they preferred just to resent that we weren't there.

FIL made it clear that he didn't think our children should be visiting, he was the one telling us that she was distressed after we visited, all these visits we stayed at the hotel which was 45 min drive away - for cost, and practicality of us all being together, it was for us the best compromise. We would visit siblings when they were available, and they were fully aware of what we had to do to be there. Other than a cup of tea, no other hospitality was offered, and it was not expected, but it would have helped make things easier for us.

On the final visit in 2011, we spoke with all of them individually to say that we thought we should stop going with the children and that DH would visit alone, they agreed. Since then we have tried to keep phone contact with them all. FIL won't speak to my children, and he also feels that the siblings don't do enough either, and DH has always defended them. On some occasions when DH has visited, despite informing FIL he was coming several times, DH has arrived to only the carers being home, he has found these times very distressing.

I felt that it was DH's place to keep contact with his family, and have encouraged him to do so, but it seems it was not enough. We genuinely thought we were doing the right thing, and at no point has anyone asked for more visits/help, other than FIL odd comments of no one phones or visits (DH phoned every week same day/time - but sometimes he wouldn't answer) and we know that siblings were in contact other than one sister who he had banned from the house so in 2/3 years only saw MIL when she was taken out of the house.

I hope that gives a bit of background.

Vikipollard

FIL sounds a real charmer....has nothing to do with his own children and would appear to resent his step children. The cynic in me says the refusal of (your) children at the funeral is spite, not grief, but the angel on my other shoulder says to give the benefit of the doubt...


I think you have made the right decision to go with DH. The children will be okay . Try to keep an open mind on the siblings if you can, but you can only try so hard. They also need to put some effort in to rebuilding the relationship.


I don't buy in to the whole extended family thing. Family is something you inherit (or create), and you don't choose the components for the former! It's a nice to have, if it works for you, but as they say, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.


Hope it goes well for you and DH.

gettingtheresometime

I have to admit that I sort of see where the OP is coming from; when MIL was in hospital I was told that only FIL,SIL and OH could see her - after she died I found out that the world and his wife had visited her.

Yes I was upset and annoyed but I kept my feelings to myself - after all what good would it do to cause an argument? I never mentioned it to OH either as he had more important things to think about

As for the OP's situation I do have to say that I think you're over dramatising the situation. Your children haven't seen their nan for 4 years and whilst I've no doubt they're upset I doubt that by not going to the funeral they will need counselling in the future.

katsclaws

irrelevant

ALI1973

Well, I have sorted the children going to friends after school, have emailed their schools to explain what is happening and asking for their help should anyone become upset.

His sibling called to "remind" him that the children can't go, and DH said they wouldn't be, but that we are not happy they are being excluded. Sibling then started about DH going to the wake, DH said that he will not stay for long as we will need to get back for the children, Sibling then proceeds to TELL DH that he HAS to stay for the wake and that 30 minutes isn't enough and that "he needs to sort his priorities out"

I have spoken to DH and said that I will go and be quiet for him, but that, as he is pall bearer, that I would like proper directions to the Crematorium (he said just follow the hearse!), that I need to know where I am to sit in the Chapel as I do not know if he will be expected to sit with his siblings and I will then be alone, and what time we will be leaving the wake.

He has said (since siblings call) I am asking too much of him to put a time limit on the wake, and that I should sit with with his nieces and nephews in the chapel. I am not comfortable at all with this, so will have to try and find a coping strategy to deal with it (I suffer with anxiety issues). I can see now how families can cause divorces.

PennyForThem_2

Probably too late. However I regret soooo much not being allowed to go to my great aunt's funeral or my grandfather's because it was seen as least upsetting option.


(In my best interests......)