MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend

DianneB

I'd take them. Not read all 5 pages but surely no one will actually stop you going in? They are old enough to behave, your husband wants you there, that's it, you're a family you don't need to palm them off on strangers for the day. Hope all goes well for you.

Andypandyboy

I also think you are blowing this "angst" way out of proportion. Your children have not had a relationship with your MIL for years, nor have you either it seems. I am at a loss to understand how you can say you were very close. I am afraid your nose is out of joint and you are feeding this situtation and creating drama by purporting to have to "choose" between your husband, who is grieving for his mother and your children whose upset stems from how you have handled it given the circumstances.

This easily solved, you take a step back and arrange for your children to spend the day happily with friends, you take a deep breath and tell them yes, it is sad, but that they need not be overly upset as they didn't really have a close relationship with her due to the nature of her illness. Then you support your husband and put your own feelings aside. Nothing should prevent you doing that, and frankly, I can see why your husband is upset.

You are adding to his sorrow and engineering situation where he is being asked to feel annoyance, cause more family rifts, take sides, appease you, etc, etc. This is really not what he needs right now. Put yourself in his shoes with one of your parents and ask yourself how you would hope he would behave. This is one of the very few times when children do not come first provided their needs are taken care of.

iammumtoone

I am sorry but see can't how children of that age will be upset about not attending a funeral. Funerals are not a fun event. At that age I also don't see how they themselves would put together the connection you are so worried about of them paying their respects, unless they have been told (by you?) that it is bad manners they are not going to pay their respects they would not think anything about it, especially for a person they have not seen/spoken to for four years. They will be much better off staying with friends for the day and visiting the grave afterwards if they really want to.

You mention you have been told not to take them but everyone else can take their children? I can't see what you mean by this it seems as family members like yourselves have been told no children, the only other people likely to attend are distant friends who read of the date in the local paper - people attending in those circumstances will not be taking children with them, that would be rude and disrespectful. The only funerals I have been to where children are present are family members and invited guests, non invited guests who attend do not bring children along with them.

longforgotten

Sorry OP I think you need to suck it up as you yourself mentioned earlier. Funerals come in many shapes and forms, just go with the flow.


Your children must have been aware that their Gran's illness would only get worse, and you would have prepared them for the inevitable. If they are really that grief stricken after not seeing her for four years, and you feel you can't leave them then I would be very concerned, about them now and indeed about them in later life. You should be explaining how it is a 'happy release' , as they say, and to celebrate the life your MIL led before being poorly.


I'm not a fan of children at funerals , they'll be going to enough of them when they get older.


I think you should go with your husband, stay overnight up there and as a couple do all you need to help your husband and yourself deal with the MIL's passing.


Can't your children go and stay with the friends that they usually have sleepovers with.........

lostinrates

ALI1973 wrote: »

I do to, but I am really struggling with my own conscience about my children. They have had no grandparents really for the last 6 years, no family who can step in to help support them in my absence only friends, whom I love dearly, but it's no substitute for family. I feel so damn guilty that they only really have me and DH, I can't bear the thought that they will feel abandoned by me.

Your children are incredibly lucky.

They have parents who are still together ( increasingly rare) and it looks like you are going to support your husband through this, and I believe like the majority this is the right course of action and that you are not seeing wood for trees here and somewhat making this a personal crisis.

So, two parents, who loved their parents dearly. Surviving aunts with whom hopefully there is lots of contCt, and if not, greater network can be made. Perhaps that's something valuable you can do while up there, make some plans for family meet ups?

Extended family is indeed a tremendous and wonderful thing, much devalued in society. But the funeral is NOT that extended network, nor are histrionics or guilt the valuable parts of it.


Many children lose contact with not only grandparents, but have no aunts, uncles, cousins, and even one parent, not too unusually. . While grieving the loss of your mil maybe the opportunity to look at and celebrTe what opportunities your children have and whether you are making the best of them is also something to consider and whether reaffirming these connections is a benefit of looking outward rather than inward at this point in time.

lika_86

ALI1973 wrote: »

I am at loss of what to do, as I feel torn. My much loved MIL passed away last week after years of suffering. They live 4 hrs away. I have 3 children, 14, 13 and 9. Due to the circumstances of her illness, they have not seen her for 4 years, but we have tried to maintain telephone contact with FIL, it has been difficult and he has not wanted to speak with the children. MIL has Alzheimers, so has been unable to speak for over 6 years. DH has visited alone for the past 4 years.

It sounds to me like your children are practically strangers to your FIL. It sounds like you feel put out that your FIL, who is currently grieving for his wife and struggling to cope, doesn't want children he doesn't know there. Respect his wishes and don't take them.

cte1111

I think that teenage girls can tend to be drama queens and really they are taking the opportunity to indulge themselves, rather than being overcome with grief. You've acknowledged that your youngest daughter is picking up on the older girls' behaviour rather than grieving herself.

I don't think they will suffer unduly from 1 day without their parents, albeit a difficult day. The teachers at school will look after them and I'm sure have procedures to support children on days like this. Talk to their form teachers when they are back at school and hopefully they will reassure you. I do understand that it can be difficult to arrange childcare for occasions like this, however if it were one of my daughter's friends in this situation, I wouldn't think twice about helping out and I'm sure some of your friends would be happy to help, if you give them the chance.

Newly_retired

Would you keep your children off school to stay at home and grieve, if you didn't go? I hope not, in the circumstances. As they are not going, they need to be at school, in a normal routine, with friends around. Maybe a note to their form tutor, but tbh the less fuss the better.
Presumably with such a long journey you will have arranged for a sleepover for them at various friends's homes, so they will be fine.

Unless you labour the point, it is just another day really. I guess they were sad when they heard their Grandma had died, but actually after four years of not seeing her it is not so hard. I don't believe they need you around "to support them in their grief that day", anywhere near as much as your husband needs you. He is probably dreading the day, with his grief, his memories, and the strife between family members making things worse.

I think the idea of you having your own family time of remembering and celebrating her life is a good one.

Armorica

ALI1973 wrote: »

Thank you for the suggestion, where they live is large enough for a cinema or such, and tbh I wouldn't be comfortable leaving them unsupervised. I do appreciate the suggestion though.

Is or isn't? If you're not willing to leave them at a friend, it's probably one of the more practical ones. I'd pick a public cinema over a random babysitter. Unless they are very sheltered for their age, your 13 and 14 year olds are clearly old enough to see a film without adult supervision. The 9 year not by themselves, but potentially with the older two. Or perhaps arrange a sleepover with a friend for the 9 year old and do this with the older two.

For example, the hobbit is three hours - practically long enough for you to drop the kids off, get them seated, attend one, possibly both committments, and be waiting for them as the film finishes.

ALI1973

Thank you all, your input is most valuable.

Armorica - isn't - sorry typing too fast and not reading before posting.

You are all right, that I do feel that my family has been disrespected and I have taken it personally. I do believe that children have a place in the funeral/grieving process should they and their parents wish for it to be. But as you have all stated, FIL has made that decision and I have to live with that - and I shall.

I can see now that my not wanting to attend the wake, is because I do not feel welcome in the family, and this is probably because of the choice we made for the children to stop visiting (please bear in mind when judging me that we were not offered shelter at the siblings homes and there is no hotels locally, and staying with MIL in her state was a no-go) that we have somewhat alienated ourselves.

And I shall suck it up and go with DH and support him as best I can. I can see reading through, how selfish I may appear, I am not generally this way.

I thank each and everyone who has posted, it really has helped clarify for me, and although I shall never view DH's family favourably again, it has made me see that I need to offer more support to DH.